Like dragons? Have unrealistic expectations? Sign up for FedCom!

[Faisul]

DO YOU FEEL DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR MUNDANE HUMAN EXISTENCE?

DO YOU DREAM OF AN ESCAPE FROM THE DRUDGERY OF DAILY LIVING?

DO YOU SECRETLY FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING A TWELVE-FOOT TALL CYBERNETIC DRAGON WITH MULTIPLE CYBERDONGS?

LOOK NO FURTHER! TAYGON HAS THE ANSWER!!!*¹

Or actually, he doesn't. Well, not by the standards of the sane anyway.

You see, quite a few months ago there was a bit of bluster on the interwebs about a new grand project being in development, namely, Terra Malatora, or as it is formally known, the Federated Commonwealth of Malatora - well, that's quite a mouthful you might say, and you'd be right... a mouthful of yiffy slaves bound to service your every debauched whim. A disclaimer: if at any point this stuff begins to sound appealing to you, please get out.

FedCom, as the long-ass name is often abbreviated, is perhaps the most perplexing exercise of collective delusion carried out on the internet in recent years, and it's only now I've managed to sit down and process the insanity enough to actually be able to describe it in any meaningful way that doesn't look like the scrawlings of a madman that has just discovered a terrible government conspiracy in his kitchen sink. To put it bluntly, FedCom is a project *in development* in which a group of somewhat odd individuals have come together to design their vision of utopia with every intention of carrying it out. Admirable, you might say! There are a number of relatively successful micronations out there, and while their inhabitants may be called quirky they're not doing anybody any harm! Well, I would be heartily inclined to agree, however, there is only one problem.

A majority of these people are so fed up with humanity that they want nothing else but to squat on an island off the coast of Africa, dig out an enormous subterranean dome, move into it, build an entirely functional ecosystem from scratch, develop technologies that will turn them into dragons (WIF LAZOR BEEMS OUT DA BUTT) and they are prepared to defend this quite possibly astonishingly illegal and environmentally disastrous operation with deadly force. Because hyoomans suck, you see. And we all deserve to die. Well, if we come anywhere near Malatora without the express purpose of worshipping and slaving for the clearly superior cyberdragons with their majestically swaying cyberdongs, anyway. Who could resist???

But before I go any further with my rambling nonsense, why don't we see what the founders of Malatora have to say about their grand project, replete with links aimed to educate you about their fascinating ideas for the future:

"Some may call FedCom a micronation — and as far as the fact that our society has a comparitively small population and limited resources, that is accurate. However, FedCom also stands notably distinct from any other micronation, with our revolutionary social policies, unique system of government, heavy integration with a major transhumanist project that will alter the course of history forever, and many other factors. The vast majority of micronations exist to stroke the ego of their creator/leader, but FedCom is a direct democracy, and lacks that issue entirely. Also, many micronations have little or no real interest in evolving into anything greater than a hobby, and even if they do, virtually none have a solid plan to achieve such wishes. In sharp contrast, FedCom is firmly on the path to establishing real de facto sovereignty, and has extensive planning and a roadmap for successfully reaching that goal."

Well! Aside from the transhumanist bit, whatever that means, this sounds pretty interesting, if not a bit... well, hugely ambitious. Suitable for a future dystopian fall-of-Rome society, isn't it? Why don't we go and examine their arguments more close-

"FedCom will be a nation apart from all others, and the world will once again have that "city on a hill" — an example of how a society should live. If you are interested in learning more, feel free to examine the contents of this website, and contact us via our forums. Our citizens will be happy to help you with any questions you may have."

-oh.

Apparently, for these guys, Utopia will be populated by these:

Eh, okay then. Who else to police the wondrous righteousness of a future perfect society than a gaggle of oversized flying lizards? Marmots, maybe, but I digress.

So, how will they go about shaping the policy of their society? Well, Glorious Dragon Leader and Holder of the Cyberdongs has thought it out already! Behold! The Constitution of the Free Commonwealth of Whatever;

• Do be polite and courteous — a smile and a friendly attitude go a long way!
  
• Don't bare your teeth when smiling — this gesture is generally regarded as a threat display, so keep your teeth mostly hidden with your lips, to avoid misunderstandings and mixed messages.
  
• Do keep an open mind, and refrain from judgmental comments about Malatoran society until you have spent some reasonable time among our people, as you would anywhere else.
  
• Do take the time to get to know the locals. Friendships can be easily made and last a long time.
  
• Don't refer to cytrans as "it" or other neuter terms — they have genders too, so use the correct pronouns.
  
• Do treat cytrans with the same common courtesy and respect that you would like them to give you.
  
• Do speak directly to a cytran you wish to converse with — they are people too.
  
• Don't automatically assume that every cytran shares the same ethical values as you, or otherwise anthropomorphize them — each species is unique, and must be judged by their own values.
  
• Do feel free to give service staff an enthusiastic "thank you" in lieu of a tip for good service — the Malatoran economy has no use for money, so honest praise is regarded as considerably more valuable.
  
• Don't attempt to bribe anyone for anything — this is regarded as a serious insult that questions their honesty and integrity, and will make you extremely unpopular.
  

"This is a constitution?" you might be thinking right about now, and yes, apparently it is! Notice this wondrous bit of nation-building forethought: "Don't bare your teeth when smiling — this gesture is generally regarded as a threat display." Oh, God save us from the teeth! Not the teeth!! Not to mention that smiling generally involves some toothiness in our species and have for the better part of the last million years or so, give or take - apparently, the Perfect Society of Tomorrow will have dentophobia or whatever it is, whatever. Teeth. God help us.

Another word you might be scratching your head about unless you clicked some links you maybe shouldn't in the text above, cytrans is basically the Malatoran equivalent of Nazi Germany's Ubermensch. You know, the superior race. It's the product of TOTALLY FEASIBLE technology that will ENHANCE YOUR FORM to resemble A MAJESTIC REPRESENTATION of whatever you want your body to look like. It's like a magic potion of *~science~* that is just around the corner, I SWEAR WE JUST NEED TO -APPROPRIATE- THE RIGHT RESEARCH DOCUMENTS (spoiler: it's basically a cybernetic fursuit or something). But I'm getting ahead of myself. There's a lot of juicy stuff in the Constitution of Malatora I've passed over. Notice the bit about the economy? That's right! This society will operate on a gifting system! Oh, how wonderful, your nation's entire economic sector is basically Christmas, every day! Nevermind that a packet of crisps may not be worth a week of hard labour, or any labour beside that of eating the packet of crisps for that matter - or the question of where that advanced industrial machinery required to, you know, provide the essentials of every day living as we humans have come to know it (not to mention the essentials of huge cyberdragons which we all know isn't electric power, but copious amounts of catnip and anime, APPARENTLY) comes from. Haha, foolish hyooman, Taygon has the answer:

"Although we strive for self-sufficiency, there will always be certain resources we will need to obtain from the rest of the world. In order to obtain these, we will sell certain products from our nation to the highest bidder outside our nation, and use the money we gain from this to stock up on vital resources."

Certain products, like... Rocks? Interestingly shaped macaroni crafts? WHAT IS THIS AND WHAT AM I READING hey wait I thought you said you wouldn't be using money

So, eh, okay. Moving on.

How about the architecture of the so-called Citadel itself, eh? What grand, original, artistic visions await us, because after so much insanity there must be a shred of independent genius about the whole th-

"Presidium:

The Presidium is a ring-shaped chamber 1,000 meters in diameter, and is the central hub for access to all the major sections of the Citadel. In addition to the sections devoted to residential housing, food production, power generation, science, manufacturing, and medical needs, the Presidium features areas devoted to entertainment, sports and fitness, dining, a trade market, and even a temple for religious activities. The Citadel's primary command center and central computer core are also located as branches off the Presidium."

It's called the Citadel and has a ring-shaped thing called the Presidium and... I can't believe I'm typing this right now, wow. It gets better!

"Tatsu Eyrie:

Tatsu Eyrie is the central focus and residence of the dragon population within the Citadel. It is located adjacent to the Arboretum, and the front entrance opens directly into that indoor park.

Originally designed as a barryd that would have been located on the surface near the Citadel's entrance, it has recently been reconfigured to become a major expansion to the subterranean Citadel, where the Citadel's defenses will provide superior protection and preserve the Eyrie from external threats."

So an especially engineered dwelling for a certain sub-class of the entire population from which its inhabitants can gaze upon the verdant fields and the serfs who toil below - sounds like a vision of equity to me! Holy crap the comedy writes itself at this point. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SERVE YOUR DRAGON OVERLORDS?? OH HOW THE LIFE OF A PEASANT IS BLESSED except for when your livestock gets eaten by those greedy lizard bastards I tell you what

Actually, I don't know what else to say. If you feel brave enough you might want to peruse their website here: http://fedcom-online.webs.com/index.htm - you might be able to add some more observations I am frankly unable to, because at this point I just want to go back to my bottle of whiskey,

*this topic shamelessly ripped from http://forums.someth...hreadid=3427893 go and read it it's much better

^{1 Taygon is the Grand Generalissimo of this particular fun bunch, most enlightened leader and visionary and worthy of all praise - why, he even hit 18 holes in one in his first nine-hole game of golf!!!}

[Arashikage]

Aww geez XD

This is too funny, I can see a few people I know who'd just love that idea. It's like Soviet Russia with huge CYBERDRAGONS

NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG!

[Faisul]

Damn, if you only knew - anybody voicing concern about the soundness of their plan has, historically, been swiftly banned from their forums - kind of like... eradication of dissenters???

[ballisticwaffles]

Guys.

I want to troll them.

Really badly.

So much it Hurts.

other kin make me laugh. I cant wait until they try something and BAAAAAW as they get invaded by France or some other country that needs a pick-me-up.

"imma dragon, i shoot fire!"

"Imma human, i shoot ARMOR PIERCING DEPLETED URANIUM ROUNDS"

[Scourge]

When this thing turns into a mind-changing zombifying pathogen, let it be known that I fucking called it.

[Faisul]

They're surprisingly inundated from trolling by now, actually; as expected, the goons of something awful sallied forth and let slip a barrage of slightly uncomfortable questions which resulted in a lock-down of all membership applications at the FedCom forums. Well, not entirely; inside sources revealed a treasure trove of factional drama within FedCom - almost ending in a suicide, of all things. I have no idea what's happened since September or so in the most estimable nation of Malatora other than Taygon being slightly more paranoid than usual about people coming in and asking... questions. Remember: if you ask questions, you're a dissenting hyooman, and you should be killed by the millions.

[Thu'um]

This seems so mucha joke i don't even think it to be worth my time >_>. Call me when they actualy be come dragons or even establish them selves as a nation......on seconed thought i am just gonna asume you'll never call me

[Faisul]

Well, statistically it is more probable that your atoms will spontaneously disassemble and then reassemble themselves on the surface of Titan than these loons ever actually reaching one of their stated goals, so... However incredible it may seem, these guys are goddamn serious about this, though. Listen to this:

"For any nation or alliance of nations, the bloody cost of capturing or destroying the Citadel would be absolutely staggering, and the bodycount could easily rise to tens of millions... and that's not counting the Navy's support and retaliation on the surface."

With what? Goddamn cyberdragons, that's what. Beware, or the strategic stockpile of dragon dongs will be aimed... at you.

[Ala1n-J]

*head-desking numerous times*

I can't believe some people are entitled to this...

When this thing turns into a mind-changing zombifying pathogen, let it be known that I fucking called it.

Scientific designation FTW!

other kin make me laugh. I cant wait until they try something and BAAAAAW as they get invaded by France or some other country that needs a pick-me-up.

LEAVE THE JOB TO US, IT WILL BE FLAWLESS AND HANDSOME!

[ballisticwaffles]

so im reading the something aweful thread and i came across a PDF of a collection of realistic oneshots of wahdevathehellthenationiscalled and subsequent action. If yall want it, its at teh bottom of the first post on the thread.

Its called aluminum sky

[Faisul]

Holy crap, yes. Aluminum Sky. A collection of short stories detailing the rise and fall of Malatora as well as the exploits of the legendary Dargon Slayurs - a must read. Thanks for the heads up!

EDIT: Here's a goddamned download link because goddamn: http://www.mediafire...lyciuvnbttckzu3

EDIT II: Jesus Christ

Prisoners of War

TAYGON 30 May 2009

If another nation forces FedCom into a war, and we capture a number of foreign soldiers, what do we do with them?

We’re not signatories to the Geneva or Hague Conventions, so we’re not technically bound by anything those documents say. We respect the spirit of those documents though, but there are still many moral and practical issues to contend with on this subject.

The biggest issue is the matter of supporting POWs throughout the war effort. We’re not bound by the Geneva Conventions, so we can put them to work in our factories. But what about housing, food, and clothing? We have a tiny population, and probably will for a long time: what if we capture more enemy troops than we have citizens or soldiers to guard them? What if we can’t house, feed, or clothe them?

Too many POWs would put an enormous burden on our agriculture, and could easily overwhelm our food production. That leaves us with two options: either we all starve together as guards and guarded, or we cull the herd of prisoners. If we send them home, they’ll just be recycled back into the war effort. If we execute them, we have the bodies to dispose of, and we’ll be branded war criminals. We can try to send them to a neutral nation, which under the so-called “laws of war†would be required to detain them and prevent them from returning to the war effort. We can beg the International Red Cross to help support our prisoners, but if we’re blockaded, that would quickly break down.

We could adopt a policy like the North Vietnamese Army: “kill all they send, and they will stop coming†(this is a fairly common policy in that part of the world). This would free our society of the burden of supporting masses of POWs, but most would consider it very immoral. If our enemies cross some sort of line in the way they treat us, and we judge that they have escalated things to the point of total war, then the execution of enemy prisoners might be justified, or even desirable.

It might become necessary to set our morality aside, for a moment, to ensure our own survival. Under such circumstances, morality could be a luxury that we simply can’t afford…

[Fedora]

I refuse to believe this was real at all. It's positively fantastic! And yet, I think there's too much info floating around for it to be just a big joke. Well. I'll just say this. The cytrans would've made it in any Sci Fi novel. On the other hand, were we really expected to believe they'd actually make them? The site even treated them as if they were real.

[ballisticwaffles]

according to this dude's deviant art, he wrote a fanfiction of dis here bullshit.

For some reason the deviant art links are broken.

CAn yall work your intahnet magic so i can read it plzkthx?

DER EDIT DER NIBELUNGAN

NVM found it after a breif archive binge

[LoneWolf]

You can't explain these people, therefore

[CrypticQuery]

You can't explain these people, therefore

This seems so incredibly insane that it doesn't seem to be real. That being said, try not to bash, people are entitled to their [unreasonable] opinions. :lol:

[Nope.]

Then, they'll try to destroy everything we know and love, and humanity's last hope will be a 15-to-20 year old boy with an oversized energy sword, his magic cat and a party of strange characters.

Yeah.

[Vy'drach]

I look forward to the eventual reverse engineering of this process.

[Faisul]

try not to bash, people are entitled to their [unreasonable] opinions.

Usually I would agree wholeheartedly, but by the fact that their (apparently a few dozens strong) community have all sucked themselves into the delusions that yes, building malatora is 'right around the corner WE JUST GOTTA POOL OUR MONEY' and that, I quote, their flagship project of making magical dragon bodies for yiffy fun is 'under research' like there was even any chance in hell that they would have access to the proper research materials and facilities to research such a thing in the first place. Not to mention that their research division seem to operate on the rule of cool, like this; 'would chainsaw hands be cool? okay here's a chainsaw-hand dragon I drew, let's see what other *research* we can do next.'

What makes these people instantly mockable and free game in my book isn't the above, by the way, as this all just makes them a somewhat eccentric and goofy bunch with unrealistic expectations (and dragons are kind of cool, amirite) but also that they have absolutely reprehensible opinions about other people and have openly supported mass murder, theft, anime, and other recipies for success. Not to mention that they're absorbing a whole lot of anti-social people and reinforcing their anti-social behaviour by patting them on the back and giving them skritches whenever they agree that humans are scum and that Malatora is the shangri-la of internet shut-ins everywhere.

That's not to say that I support running around them in circles and trying to 'troll' them, because as I have said, they're on total lockdown and are tight like some kind of internet cult about this stuff now and any trolling is just not gonna get to them and is going to make us look stupid, and also that they've long since been trolled for what they're worth trolling for by others already.

But yes, people are entitled to their opinions, but when they're almost laughably stupid and also a bunch of anti-social garbage, I feel it's totally reasonable to have a chuckle at their expense.

[ballisticwaffles]

ANd as a collerary to that, i do believe that his fanfiction Reborn (DO not read unless properly inebriated, deus knows i wasnt)

Should be closely examined and picked apart by a team of

Experts. Gentlemen, i say we RIFF REBORN.

WHO IS WITH ME?

[Faisul]

You'll note that while it's written by Taygon, he's changed his name to Tigerstripes or somesuch. Anyway, here's the literature in question, someone far more competent at dealing with this insanity, please look it over and let us know what you think.

http://taygon.webs.com/books/Reborn.htm

[Xortberg]

You'll note that while it's written by Taygon, he's changed his name to Tigerstripes or somesuch. Anyway, here's the literature in question, someone far more competent at dealing with this insanity, please look it over and let us know what you think.

http://taygon.webs.c...ooks/Reborn.htm

[ballisticwaffles]

too late, i read it last night.

My opinion is that it blows.

Terrably. Both as a piece of literature and of fantasy.

His main charecter is a blatent mary sue, in a race of mary sues, capeable of surviving (i jest not) A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION AND LIVES.

I need bleaprin.

[Faisul]

Yeah, that sort of thing is fairly prevalent in the Malatoran mindset. I'm all for exciting, forward thinking and not exactly conventional scientific musing but what they're doing is essentially wishing really hard that the technology to make robo-fursuits to dump their brains in will just stumble into their hands overnight. You should've heard some of their ideas for getting this technology, their game plan was simply to steal research from other nations. Well, good luck; as far as I know there's absolutely nothing going on that will even stumble into that direction. Maybe prosthetics, but that's beside the point.

There's a slew of uncomfortable and frankly ridiculous ideas going on too - that by virtue of thinking 'yeah I'm a hermaphroditic tiger-centaur in a flabby nerd's body' they're already better than the vast majority of humans in the first place. It's this entirely unwarranted arrogance I don't like - simply because you have a wildly unrealistic pipe dream doesn't mean you can put yourself above anybody else. Well, since Tigerstripes is practically on the streets for lack of money it'll be hard for him to claim that presently.