Ratchet Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Go easy on me please, this is my very first ever fan fiction on anything. after reading some fan fic around here I decided I would make my own revolving around the relationships between his friends and especially his father. I'm all up for the father and son thing, and I can't say how much I love family relationships. Well enjoy, I might edit this someday. If you see anything wrong just let me know, and feel free to lend me a helping hand or a few tips on what you think. Any ideas that would help further this is always acceptable. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was bright, and the air still, humming with silence. Whiteness covered the vast area, expanding in all directions to where it seemed to go on forever, creating this immense space of nothingness. In the midst of this space stood Fox McCloud. Glancing around his surroundings, he begins to wonder. "Where..Where am I?" Seeing nothing of interest, Fox brings his hands together, lifting them up to examine himself. Staring at his small furry paws, Fox slowly begins to narrow down his view to his overall appearance to the ground. Fox, with his face a few feet from the ground, realizes that he is a younger version of himself. In that instant a hand lightly pats him on the head in an caring gesture. A black shadow of what it look like to be another Fox passes by walking off into the distance which slowly fades to darkness Fox looks up to at the shadowy figure from behind, and mutters in surprise. "Dad...?" Fox wavered in astonishment before taking a step. "Da...Dad is that you?" Suddenly he excitedly starts to pace after him. "Hey, wait! Where are you going? Dad!?" The dark figure did not reply, nor did he stop walking. With each step he took, the dark figure became smaller and smaller, fading off into the darkness. Fox knew it was his father, Fox's eyes began to water ,bursting into tears into a helpless cry, desperately trying to catch up with his father, yelling at the top of his lungs! "Wait! Dad! don't leave me here! I have so many things I want to say before you go! Dad! Dad!! DAAAAAaaadd!!!" Fox holding up his hands in effort to reach his father, could see his father walking away through his fingertips as a tiny speck.It was no use, James was already too far to reach. Fox half-heartily slows down, and eventually stops running. Squatting down, a puddle of tears could be see forming around foxes feet. "Dad...Dad..." His voice, repeating this same word, quietly fades. The words shifting into a different sound.. ... (to be continued..) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjakob42 Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 I am intrigued so far... Your grammar and spelling are just fine, so I've no comments on that. In order for me to give legitimate criticism, I'm one of those people who needs to see the rest of the story... Keep at it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratchet Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 I am intrigued so far... Your grammar and spelling are just fine, so I've no comments on that. In order for me to give legitimate criticism, I'm one of those people who needs to see the rest of the story... Keep at it! Awesome! Finally, I've been waiting for a response since 1am.. So you like it, huh? That's a relief, I'm not very good at writing, but I'll try my best to at least finish some of the story. And thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjakob42 Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Like I said, it's well-written (I especially admire that for a beginning writer), but for me to actually know if I like it or not, I have to see the story in it's entirety. I'm just weird like that But I will go ahead and say it right now, this chapter reminds me a bit of this deleted scene from Terminator 2. I'm not saying you ripped it off or anything, but I thought I'd show you if you hadn't seen it yet (I'm a big film-buff, by the way) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 I really like this. You've got everything how it should be. Except, you want to make the chapters longer than a few hundred words. I'd say for your first chapters, you're going to want to shoot for 1500-2000 words. When you're more experienced, you'll want 4500-5000 words. Again, good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sroberson Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Found one grammatical issue: "The dark figure did not reply, nor did he stopped walking." = "The dark figure did not replay, nor did he stop walking" Other than that the spelling and grammar seems fine. Not too much to work with as far as story goes so I can't quite tell what to expect, but you did a good job of invoking my imagination in filling out what the scene looked like that you wrote about. I always like being able to create the scene in my mind using the descriptions authors give. I have seen a couple where they only give dialogue and no set up for the setting - makes a lot of difference in the length of the story but also sets the mood for conversations to occur. Anyways, I will be following this story as you update it, and look forward to reading more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luminous-red Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 The way you write is really good; because you give enough descriptions in your story to make the reader have enough knowledge to imagine the scene, the emotions, and the events of the story, adding to it a little mystery as to keep the reader intrigued, Also; talking objectively, you write with a lot of coherence in your story and hardly any grammatical mistakes, that’s a really good way to start; as for the story, I cannot give yet an overall opinion since I don’t know the whole plot , yet from the fragment you wrote, I can say that it certainly has enough potential to be a really good story, I can only recommend you to clarify how fox is saying the last sentence of your story, because I don’t know if he’s whispering, or talking normally . Hope my opinion had helped you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCPeppyTc Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 Love it so far. Too little to really judge in terms of story though. Keep it up however, just write even if you think ti sounds stupid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 By the way, one more thing. You're going to want to lay out what happens in the story before just writing it. What I mean is have a brief overview of what you're going to write before you write it. I just started writing my fanfiction, and now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I'm out of ideas. Just make sure to keep that in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratchet Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 By the way, one more thing. You're going to want to lay out what happens in the story before just writing it. What I mean is have a brief overview of what you're going to write before you write it. I just started writing my fanfiction, and now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I'm out of ideas. Just make sure to keep that in mind. Yeah, good idea, I'll get to that when I have time. Thanks for the tip! I need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BlueRaccoon Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Like where this story is going. It is kinda short to completely judge, but everyone else has pretty much said that. One thing I do like about the story so far is you give just the right amount of environmental description. I hate when people use too much, so thank you for not doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hidi Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Premise is great! Grammer, had a few minor mistakes, but they're passable. I'll take this into inspiration for my own work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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