StarFox: Insurrection

[sroberson]

Alright, so I started this whole thing off based on a RP character I had fun creating and it eventually led me down this story line that I thought would be pretty neat to create. I have never done any form of creative writing before, and sadly suffer from reading too many tech manuals and computer spec worksheets so I will not suggest I am the next Shakespeare or anything. But I got pretty enthusiastic about the direction the story was taking and thought I would contribute to the world of StarFox fanfiction by trying to continue with what I started a few days ago.

I present to you StarFox:Insurrection...in its quickly written, possibly scatterbrained headcanoning that I could think of.

At the time I can only suggest that it is all a pretty serious draft. I haven't really settled wholly upon characters, their entire background, their future, etc, etc...but I figured allowing some peer review might help me get an idea of whether I am going down the right track!

This story takes place after the events of StarFox Command 'Dash Makes a Choice' - where Dash stays behind on Venom to rebuild it and turn it into an Empire that rivals the strength and cultural influence it retains on the rest of the Lylat system.

Without further ado! I shall submit myself and the world I do to peer review now

[sroberson]

Times have changed in the Lylat System. No longer is Corneria the epicenter it once was; a new superplanet has risen from the ashes to compete in ideological and cultural supremacy of the galaxy. Venom, the once battle scarred and uninhabitable land it once was, was now home to trillions of citizens to the Lylat System. True to its history, it quickly became the center of breakthrough scientific research and established a society that matched, if not surpassed that of its ally – Corneria. Corneria, in its attempts to retain its superplanetary status over the rest of the system attempted to systematically undermine the alarming progress Venom had made within the few years since the Anglar War. Taxes were levied, pirates were hired, trade routes shut down.

Citizens of Venom, inflamed by the oppression that was being placed upon them by the Cornerian government, struck back after tensions escalated beyond a point of reconciliation, when It was found that a renegade band of pirates assaulted a small Venom military outpost in Zonness. Pirates carrying contracts authorized by the highest authorities in Corneria. Mediators from around the galaxy poured in to resolve the conflict and loosen tensions between the two planets – but it wasn’t enough. Venom’s de-facto leader, Dash Bowman, angrily declared their independence from the Cornerian government and demanded Corneria step down in the galaxy to allow Venom to take its place as the capitol of the galaxy. The Second Lylatian Wars had begun.

Initial conflicts were resolved quickly and brutally. Hundreds of millions of soldiers from both sides were KIA in the outposts scattered across the planets separating the two rivals. Mercenaries were contracted by the governments to assist in protecting the outposts from raids as military leaders on both sides began an arms race to deter larger scale assaults on key planets. Unfortunately for the Cornerian government, their stance on mercenaries leading up to the Second Lylatian War left a bad taste in the mouths of their once most successful contracts as support flooded toward the seeming underdog they found in Venom. Few were found defending the skies above Corneria’s military outposts. Even the legendary StarFox team was nowhere to be found.

Falco Lombardi disappeared into the criminal underworld from where he came from, picking up subcontracted jobs from other gang members and seldom communicated with the rest of the galaxy – making the few leads he gave impossibly hard to track.

Slippy Toad, last heard, had started a new life and disengaged himself from his former life as a fighter pilot – retiring to focus on the scientific research he always wanted to do.

Krystal left the StarFox team shortly before the Anglar War after a falling out with Fox, her presumed suitor since her rescue from the planet Sauria. She eventually joined the StarWolf team and was seldom heard of ever since.

Peppy Hare, the only original StarFox member, had retired from active duty and replaced General Pepper in command of the Cornerian military – utilizing his many years of experience in StarFox to lead.

Fox McCloud, the leader of StarFox, was never quite the same after Krystal left the team. After disbanding the team, the erratic commander of a now lonely mothership rarely communicated the Cornerian government, seldom completed any contracts, and was assumed to be patrolling a section of deep space not far from the Sargasso Region. Though he briefly was accompanied by ace pilot and friend Falco during the Anglar War, their reunion proved short lived. Shortly after the war, it was found that the Great Fox II, a somewhat antiquated Cornerian Assault Carrier purchased and used by Fox during the Anglar War, was found abandoned floating in Corneria’s orbit.

Nobody knows what happened to Fox…

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Deep in Lylat space, out of range of planetary systems and sensor arrays, a lone fox leans back in his constructed fighter – pondering the neutral positioning he was precariously maintaining between the Venom and Cornerian headhunters searching for mercenaries. Steel, a silver furred fox with just a tinge of blue undercoat, weighed the upcoming decision to accept a mission offered by the Cornerian government with great consideration and regret for allowing himself to be put in this position.

“They specifically asked for me to perform the recon.†Steel thought to himself. “Why would they specifically hail me? Is Corneria trying to put me in a corner to support them?†He knew picking a side was suicide at this point. Corneria’s de-facto military might grant them well fortified outposts that put them at the advantage of providing many thorns in the side for the Venom army, but Venom had become a technological terror and commanded almost all mercenary groups in the system to defend their outposts.

“Not like it matters,†mumbled Steel to himself – considering the amateur status of most of the contracted killers. While their numbers kept them relatively safe for the moment, their combined might never could rival the skill of the mercenary groups that once commanded the space of Lylat during the Aparoidian and Anglar conflicts. He had lived through and saw the events unfold surrounding those conflicts, and the key efforts made by the legendary StarFox team and the outlaws StarWolf in resolving the conflicts.

Steel himself didn’t have much of a history in the Lylat system. After awaking on the planet Sauria after an apparent crash landing that left him with a severe case of memory loss – he had to slowly stitch together a new life in the system without the slightest clue of who he was or where he came from, carrying only a name he recovered from the wreckage of the passenger ship he assumed was his own - 'Steel'. He lived life as a renegade, only held down long enough to scrap together a living through the Cornerian military training he underwent after being picked up by the reconnaissance troops sent to investigate Sauria after the supposed reappearance of Dr. Andross. When the Aparoid invasion of Corneria resulted in the destruction of the military base which Steel dwelt in, he went AWOL – resorting to his survival tactics mastered by his time spent in isolation on Sauria and his recon skills honed through his training. He was never the most skilled fighter, but knew what it took to survive – even in the prisons of Corneria when he turned himself in after the War. It was grit and determination that guided Steel through confinement, and back into freedom when he was pardoned and remunerated for his time to the military and imprisonment. He would find the truth behind who he was…

Peering back into the emptiness of space, Steel felt a familiar tug at his gut – it was the same feeling that propelled him to approach the Cornerian reconnaissance troops when they landed on Sauria, that allowed him to submit to imprisonment…yet here he sat in the serene freedom of the galaxy, feeling the expanses of space open to him in all of its grace and horror. War never was kind to the Lylat system. It always destroyed everything and left the painful rebuilding process. Yet, just as peace ever returned to the Lylatians, War was soon to follow. This time was different. This time there were no heroes to save the galaxy. No heroes to see through the political and egotistical clout that bogged down the simplicity of this war. And worst of all, there was no villain to unite the combined forces of the galaxy and provide the inner strength and confidence it needed to protect it from themselves. It was terrifying.

Steel felt darkness consume the cabin of his ship, the Skyhook. Diagnostic lights blinked calmly as it entered a low energy consumption state. He had remained in his state of deliberation for several hours.

“Funny,†Steel darkly contemplated his dim cabin, “This could very well be the fate of many cities that dot the Lylat system when the Cornerians and Venom are done.â€

But who was right? The stealthy and oppressive tactics of the Cornerians to assert their historic power over the galaxy? Or the aggressive nature of the Venomians who actively sought war with Corneria? Steel had his allegiances to Corneria, who provided him with a home and a second life – but knew this war was not a battle between good and evil, right versus wrong, it was that of ideology and revenge.

Vengeance was never a sufficient reason to cost millions of lives…

Ideology was never a sufficient reason to abuse the beauty of the system that had so much grace to spare…

The transmission line to Steel’s ship flashed slowly, its light dancing off the glass of the canopy illuminating the cabin. His gaze slowly rolled from the expanses of space to his console to stare at the light. Who could it be? he thought cynically. Opening up the feed, it revealed a follow up message to the initial request to investigate planet Sauria for Venom troop movement – requesting an immediate reply.

Vengeance never accomplished the goals of one man…

Vengeance and wanton desire never was the source of happiness. Only suffering…

Steel felt that tug again, pulling him to accept the mission. The hand of fate had dealt him a strange set of cards thus far…but would they see him through one of the biggest conflicts Lylat had ever seen?

“This is Steel. Recon and scouting mission to Sauria accepted. Will report any and all suspicious activity directly to the Cornerian army outpost on nearby Aquas.â€

And with that, Steel rammed the acceleration of his Skyhook to the floor, programmed his navigation computer to his former home, his former prison.

Sauria.

[mjakob42]

You had told me last night that this is your first stab at any form of creative writing, and I have to say that for a first-timer, I'm impressed. I don't think I saw a single spelling error, your grammar is spot-on (though the frequent use of ellipses is a little excessive - it's addicting, I know). As for the story itself, it's hard to judge something from the first chapter - I'd need to see the rest to criticize the story itself.

My primary criticism (and this is something you NEED to improve on as a writer) is that this sounds way too textbook-ish; there's little to no emotional involvement, and for any form of literature like this, there needs to be some sort of connection between the reader and the story. My advice from here is to read other people's work (not necessarily Star Fox fanfics, just literature in general) and look at other writers' techniques.

[sroberson]

Yeah ive got a bad habit of using ellipsis a lot. You can see me using it a lot even in the posts I make. I feel like it adds more dramatic pause than a comma does, but ill keep in mind to refrain from using it too much and ill clean up some of them in the foreward and first chapter (the formatting I used then copy and pasted removed the seperator between the two).

I guess i should have seen the lack of feeling part coming at me... (ah! Ellipse!) Especially when i suggested that most things I read these days are tech manuals. I personally felt like I succeeded in developing the scene and tone of a rather darker story, but just out of honest curiosity were there particular spots that stick out badly as far as lack of emotion? Or sections where it just felt like a text book? I tried to add emotion to it but I guess it wasn't quite enough.

I hope to settle on a direction to take for the next part before too long

EDIT: Cleaned up the number of ellipsis that appears in the section and added a rule to separate the foreword and first chapter.

[Peter]

I like this and I look forward to reading more. You've got quite a few options with this story and pretty much anywhere you take it, it'll be a good choice. Good job! :)

[sroberson]

Thanks Peter! I think I got a bit lost in the possibilities of the story lol - I am having a hard time settling on a direction to go now and contemplating how to add more 'feeling' to it. Only have the vaguest goal in the story but so many things between the beginning and end.

After looking over the story a few times I can't help but feel that maybe it is a little short? I feel like I am going to have to start putting other characters in soon which worries me a little as far as writing technique and interaction goes.

[sroberson]

Felt it was adequate to post an update here. I have gotten back into writing up the story lately after coming up with some cool thoughts and plot twists. Glad to be back writing it again - I just couldn't get myself into it for a while due to initial suggestions that it lacked emotion and I just couldn't come up with a direction I was happy with. Here's to hoping i'll come up with another chapter, or maybe some updates to the original work I posted.

[Mellow Walrus]

I see a fair amount of effort in the world building, which is good. The details are interesting, though info dumps in the beginning are a problem that many new writers have. That's not to say that the passage is useless, because it's giving you a good grasp on the universe you're writing with. I'd say it would be a good idea to keep these facts in mind and spread them out wherever needed. For example, if the characters are arriving in Venom, you can insert descriptions about the political and economic situation at that time. Another way to grasp a reader's attention is to open the fic in the midst of things. It's a bit gimmicky, but it works. Once you get farther down the road of writing, you'll experiment enough to find out what type of pacing you like best.

I'll try to be keeping up to see how you make process, take care and good luck :-)

[sroberson]

Thanks for the advice Mellow, I am starting to feel the same way regarding the Prologue - A lot of info dumping to set the scene and missing a lot of opportunities to cushion the story with more updates and details. I haven't figured out if I want to take apart the prologue and slim it down so that the readers are given an idea of the setting but not as many details or what. If I slim it down it would be to allow some story telling to occur throughout the rest of the story. Let it be kind of like the inside jacket to a hardcover book having a really vague summary of what the story is...or kind of how Star Wars opens with a quick recap over what has happened and let the future unfold.

Here's an update to the story, if it seems rushed, short, and poorly worded in places...that's because the parts were written in a few hours or so just running with a thought and a feeling and figured I would let it 'stew' on the thread while I think more on redoing the prologue. Might consider it just notes on the drawing board for later, but I rather like the direction I have set up for the short term. Let me know if I am guilty of doing another 'info' dump when it came to the description of the ship. I am realizing its probably a bit much for now. I just haven't figured out how to deal with the length of the sections I am working on as they are getting a bit criminally short and feel the need to get technical.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The original draft

Silence seemed to echo off the halls of the temple. Silence that seemed so encapsulating, yet liberating. A silence that deafened one’s ears, but spoke with clarity louder than words. The Ancient Ones who occupied this temple created the only means of survival on the planet, and guaranteed the safety of nearby systems. A safety that at one point had been compromised and risked the well being of Lylat itself. But the powers of the Krazoa Spirits not only reverberated through their sanctum, they extended their reach to the rest of the system – creating a life force that helped bind living beings in every planet, creating a force of unity and harmony to contrast the ever advancing force of chaos and destruction. They served as the guiding forces in peacetime, and war.

Deep in the many wandering passages of the Krazoa Palace, set in stone sat images of the ancient ones who once occupied this planet, Sauria. The spirits whose combined power helped to create the peace and beauty of the planet that had remained relatively unnoticed and unscathed by the many wars and disputes to occur across the galaxy. In time, they allowed life to occupy their planet, images of perfection to the spirits, the dinosaurs; a simple collective race with little taste for real war and destruction. But the planet was no longer the safe haven it had been in the many generations that the Krazoa had been guardians of it. In the wake of the powerful and hateful Doctor Andross attempting to harness the power of the spirits to revive himself came the onslaught of the Aparoids and even the Anglars. Only by the grace of luck did the planet escape complete destruction, luck that could not be counted upon. The spirits had to create a soldier to defend them...

Gazing into the rippling effect of the soul well that was occupied by one of the Krazoa Spirits sat a lean and pensive fox, sitting cross legged and trancelike. The silvery waters that were held in the well, as pure as the temple itself, rippled gently and slowly, allowing the fox to peer into the mirror like refraction cast by the liquid, seeing an unfamiliar face gazing back as intently. His gaze fell upon the eyes in particular; they seemed so unfamiliar, so far away. His consciousness wandered the cluttered corridors of the mind that those eyes possessed, attempting to find who it was he was looking at; what secrets his mind harbored, what joys he experienced, what fear did he have that it consumed the very being of its existence. Time slipped by since he first came to this place, day and night seemed inconsequential being sheltered by the high walls that he occupied. Minutes turned to hours, hours to days, days into weeks. Months.

Yeeeaaarrssss… came a drawn out and whispered response that reverberated through the stone walls. It rattled the foundations around the fox and caused the rippling of the waters to oscillate violently. The fox’s concentration broke only momentarily to find that his mind was being inspected in return by the figure in the waters. Years of memories flashed before his eyes as he was thrown through the depths of war, grief, and suffering experienced in part by himself but also of the galaxy around him. His time spent in the palace largely consisted of being consumed by the omniscience of the spirits, and as a result, he was haunted by the suffering and fears of not only himself, but of the system surrounding him. He sat there in stoic poise, accepting the visions that passed before his eyes with the same bitter complacency he had come to accept. He had seen these visions many times, they never failed to pain and even cripple him – but he never learned to overcome them. A single tear fell from his eyes, tracing his muzzle before landing on the disheveled jacket he wore. A water stain appeared on the surface where it fell - it had seen many tears before.

Suddenly, the fox felt an image enter his mind; not of the past, but of the present. The vision was of a small bared claw veiled in shadow reaching towards the planet, attempting to grasp it. His eyes came to life; pupils dilated and swiftly glanced at the stone figure at the center of the well – an animal made tribute to the spirits that occupied them. The shadowy hand grew and slowly gripped Sauria, compressing it till pieces of it fell into the atmosphere. Cries of pain and terror rang through his ears and down the corridor he sat in. The fox slowly stood, wiped the vision from his mind, and after taking another look at the eyes that reflected in the pool, he began his march toward the warpstone.

It didn't take long to reach the pedestal that would transport him to the lush and beautiful Thorntail Hollow. Taking a step on the platform it produced a beam of light that illuminated the hallways and cast his silhouette against the stone floor behind. Peering into the familiar source of light in the ceiling, the fox felt his muscles relax - a sense of weightlessness entered him as he closed his eyes slowly. Soon all he felt was his consciousness drifting through space as the light consumed him. All grew cold for an instant as he was transported back to civilization. The warm sweet air hit his nostrils before it occurred to him he hadn't left the temple in many days. Eyelids slowly rising to reveal his cloudy violet eyes, they surveyed the land. Not much had changed since his arrival, though it had become more lively as the local tribes of dinosaurs brokered peace amongst each other. But the usual banter that the dinosaurs shared on a typical day was disturbed - a thick but narrow plume of smog billowed from the vegetation in the distance. A sight not often seen by the natives. A grave expression crossed the fox's face as he gazed at the smog for a moment before bolting in the direction where it originated.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Mission Status: In Progress

Reconnaissance of Sauria

Briefing: Suspicious activity in Sauria’s atmosphere has been noted by Cornerian Intelligence. Long distance scanners indicated a high density anomaly entering orbit and maintaining low altitude trajectories across the planet’s surface twenty-three standard hours ago. Contact was eventually lost due to a brief termination of the line of sight needed by the triangulating scanners – it is presumed the anomaly made a landing on planet side and its signature/location is now masked by its close proximity to the surface.

Recon, Steel, will complete reconnaissance surveillance of the planet and report the existence of suspicious craft that could have landed on the planet.

While Sauria is generally considered an insignificant threat and occupation of the planet has little value to the Venomians, forces have been seen in the nearby systems and have been moving unpredictably.

Expect enemy contacts.

Contract price: 20,000 credits

“Hell.†Steel gritted through his teeth as the holographic readout faded from his console. He leaned forward analyzing the planet surface and coordinates that were attached to the dossier. “Cornerian Intelligence may have been playing it safe in calling this ‘object’ an anomaly,†Steel mused as he glanced through the pages of technical data. “The estimated size of it and density suggest one of two things, an asteroid or a fighter.†He paused, suggesting a reluctance to admit the danger he was preparing to enter. “No asteroid could maintain an even trajectory across the surface of a planet, leaving only one option.†The contract price was modest enough, but Steel prayed this mission resulted in a friendly encounter.

Feeling cautious as ever, Steel began to activate his ship’s long range scanners and directed them at the just out of sight planet – dialing the sensors to locate heat signatures that would give away the movement on any craft in the system. As the scanners ran multiple sweeps across the system, Steel began to cycle through the diagnostic functions on the Skyhook, ensuring that every component was ready in the event of an exchange. His craft was a highly customized but old Katina scout vessel that hadn’t been seen in the skies, let alone space, since long before his time on Sauria. Purchased using the money he collected after being pardoned from imprisonment he slowly modified the antiquated ship making it his own. While Steel, true to his strengths, spent a considerable amount of money on the reconnaissance capacity of his ship, he took pains to make it one of the most maneuverable yet dangerous fighters to pilot. Modified stabilizers that mottled the length of the ship allowed for incredible agility and evasive maneuvers in close quarters, also putting incredible strain on the pilot – constantly having to monitor the gravitational force that affected their body. Complementing the high maneuverability of the ship, was the short range turbo lasers mounted to the sides of the cabin. The hairpin turns the Skyhook was capable of and the armaments made it an extremely formidable craft.

Data analysis of the scanners returned and was fed across the screen just as Steel finished the last of his diagnostic tests.

“Hmmm, no sign of active vessels in orbit,†said Steel, taking note that the only signs of heat signatures were probably related to quickly revolving earthen satellites left over from when the planet was broken up. Firing up his thrusters again, and projecting his plasma shields to the bow of the ship, he began his approach on Sauria.

“This is Steel reporting. Investigation and recon of suspicious activity on planet Sauria in progress. Making my approach now.†He reported to his private com feed with Cornerian dispatchers.

After a brief pause, a female responded, “Roger that, Steel. We are tracking your coordinates.â€

“Over and outâ€

The approach was slow going. The silence surrounding the planet was deafening and seemed almost unusual. “What set Sauria apart from the rest of the sparsely populated planets in the system?†Directing his voice to the ship’s log he recorded: “Approach to Sauria is strangely quiet, there were no signs of craft in orbit when running scanners bu-†Steel paused for a second, getting a strange feeling when looking over the halo of meteors surrounding the planet that was looming ahead. “But something doesn’t feel right…â€

[Mellow Walrus]

Looking a lot better, good job on that. Description of the ship was fine, I didn't see anything this time around that looked too much like an info dump. The story is active now, so it's starting to pick up. There's a few technical things that can be improved, but it's mostly fine otherwise.

“This is Steel reporting. Investigation and recon of suspicious activity on planet Sauria in progress. Making my approach now.†He reported to his private com feed with Cornerian dispatchers. After a brief pause, a female response, “Roger that, Steel. We are tracking your coordinates.â€

When writing conversations, each different voice should have its own paragraph. Like this:

“This is Steel reporting. Investigation and recon of suspicious activity on planet Sauria in progress. Making my approach now.†He reported to his private com feed with Cornerian dispatchers.

After a brief pause, a female response, “Roger that, Steel. We are tracking your coordinates.â€

While on that passage, you must have made an oversight in the last bit there, where it's probably supposed to be a "a female response came." Nothing too colossal or anything, I know I make a slip up like that every now and then

Good luck with the rest of the story, I'll make sure to see how the progress works out :-)

[sroberson]

Thanks again Mellow! I think I was trying to keep away from creating a separate paragraph for each person's interaction because it felt like it just occupied space - especially in the case of the sections I just posted where there was only one very short exchange between Steel and the dispatcher.

I do see a bit of a grammatical issue with that line though where the dispatcher responds...I'll have to think on it more.

But overall you feel like the story has picked up and is more engaging? I just wish I knew what to do about the length of the stories. I pictured something much longer but I can't seem to find enough words which makes me wonder if I am skimping on describing characters and scenes so readers can create their own imagery.

Update: I decided to change up the second entry I made regarding the Krazoa temple scene. The way I had originally described how the Krazoa spirits made is sound like the "Force" from Star Wars...and also felt like it restricted the character associated with that scene. There is significant work being done to this story, or at least back story anyways. I am still having a problem moving forward with characters but I am getting closer to working on the next part which will probably be on Steel.

[sroberson]

Hello all yet again! Been a while since I took a stab at writing anything serious due to classes being so awful and the redirection I was considering with the story line (which included editing one of my previous posts) but I finally pulled this one together in a few days and I feel relatively happy with it so far. I feel like maybe my style could be getting worse or even more choppy since every once in a while I have to force myself to start writing something, but oh well. Guess I will hear about it if anyone would like to comment. Not altogether a very long submission kind of like the last time but I figured with it being a month and all, and I hit a decent stopping place before I change perspectives again I would probably just post it and get it out there for review (I might add more to it later, it goes without saying that I plan on this being a pretty lengthy story). Enjoy!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Sir, initial scanners have indicated many life forms planet side, high probability of it being native life given the mass of the objects. I did note however there to be a disturbance in the vicinity of the Lightfoot Village – abnormal levels of smog output and steam are detected and suggests investigation.†Spoke Steel’s onboard artificial intelligence, A.L.I.C.E..

“Thank you, A.L.I.C.E. Locate a landing zone that gives me a vantage point on the target and feed the coordinates into the autopilot.†Steel pulled his hands away from the controls and began to run more scanners over the area. What he found disturbed him.

“Abnormal increase to carbon output? The dinosaurs never had use for burning such vast amounts of vegetation or harvest the natural gas. Humidity is also above normal…†A small clearing became visible to Steel through his canopy; in the distance rose a small pillar of smog just over the horizon and down a canyon bluff. As the Skyhook descended to engage its landing sequence his sight was soon consumed by the overpowering shroud of mist just below the tree line that had accumulated as a result of the high humidity. Tearing his eyes away from the canopy, he unstrapped himself from the pilot seat and hopped into the back of the ship to retrieve his gear from the crew quarter. It was cramped and didn’t accommodate any more than one person comfortably, but it was very a convenient place to store equipment for ground missions. Flicking through the combination quickly on the first locker, Steel opened it to reveal his passive camouflage suit, a rather ingenious combat attire that implemented microfiber projectors and cameras to project local environmental images around the suit giving viewers the idea they were simply looking “through†their target. Donning the suit quickly, Steel powered it on and engaged its network connection to the Skyhook mainframe so that A.L.I.C.E. could provide tactical information to his heads up display. As the suit began to whine while it warmed up, he grabbed the shoulder strap for a relatively lightweight backpack that carried essential gear off a hook nearby. Reaching back in the locker he retrieved two weapons, a particularly antiquated looking ballistic pistol, a standard issued medium grade plasma rifle, and a utility belt with a gun holster. The pistol was of an ancient design that was not often found in the galaxy as its use was considered ineffective by the rise of energy weapons, but Steel had fashioned it as a backup plan. He never liked the idea of not having a backup plan in case batteries die. Running a quick checklist in his mind, he felt satisfied with his equipment and engaged the cargo door to the back of his ship and emerged into the haze of the south Cape Claw jungles.

The jungle was thick and overgrown with native fauna. A heat signature scan notified Steel of many smaller animals in the area, but he knew the area to have no innately dangerous species. As he surveyed his soundings quickly, the HUD displayed object definition highlighting around trees and bushes to help him make out what he was seeing. “It’ll take forever to make it through this,†the silver vulpine muttered, donning his equipment by shouldering his rifle and backpack. He withdrew his knife, knowing it was about to be put to good use clearing his path of vines.

The trip was slow going, many times roots of the blooming grubtubs snagged Steel’s boots and almost tripped him. The ground had become saturated with moisture, was muddy, and clung to the boots that fell upon them making them even heavier to the wearer. After what seemed to be a couple hours, the bluff overlooking Cape Claw came to view. Approaching the edge of the cliff, Steel looked out into what he knew to be the inlet but was disappointed to find nothing but fog. The entire bay was shrouded by moisture that prevented anyone from seeing the bottom of the Cliffside, let alone the path to the Lightfoot Village – a beautiful scene had it not been for the fact that this wasn’t a sight-seeing mission. But something else came from the distance, a light humming sound of machinery working and a whine of a starfighter repulsor sounding as if ready for take-off fell upon the vulpine’s ears as they twitched nervously. Lowering his gear to the ground quickly he detached the scope of his rifle and pocketed it for quick access, then reached over and engaged his camouflage suit and sound dampening. His body became a ghostly apparatus as his suit began to reflect the hazy environment around him.

“A.L.I.C.E., have my HUD run a thermal scan program and feed its data to meâ€

“Affirmative, Steel,†responded ALICE in his earpiece

What Steel didn’t think of nor expect was that the fog would return nothing of use to him. With a snarl he manually turned off the thermal scan when it simply relayed to him nothing but white – condensation beginning to collect and drip off of his visor. “Should have figured,†growled Steel , feeling slightly downcast over not having the aid of his gear. “Can’t even use my scope to see what’s going on down there.â€

Just then, as Steel began to formulate a plan to get down to the bay, the repulsors that he heard began to grow louder and high pitched. Something was preparing to take off. Yanking the scope out of his pocket he laid prone on the ground, waiting. Time creeped by for several minutes as the whine began to grow louder and louder. Just how big is this thing? thought Steel, not daring to utter a word. Just as he was beginning to doubt whether the assumed craft was going to take off, the air around him began to explode with fury. Beads of water collected all around his fur as the wind blew past him violently. Raising the scope to his eye he scanned the horizon for any craft moving, but he didn’t need it. Just beyond the cliffside, clearing the thick fog rose a massive customized Venomian Zeram-class cruiser, retrofitted with cargo doors and extra hyperdrive thrusters in the back.

Eyes wide, Steel gazed at the vessel with his mouth hanging open. He had never been so close, let alone seen in person, a craft so large. It had to have been fitted with at least twenty turbo laser turrets posted along the length of the craft. It appeared to Steel that some of them had been removed to make way for the cargo doors – a cheap but effective way of converting old military craft to freighters. What struck him as odd was observing the number of thrusters and hyperdrives that seemed to be piece mealed to the stern.

“Extra hyper…†thought Steel, his eyes growing in horror as he saw that the hyperdrive thrusters were firing up before the ship even left the stratosphere. “Shit!†he spat, as he leapt up off the ground and began to seek shelter in the jungle. The whining consumed the air around him, the oxygen beginning to combust as he struggled to cover as much distance in the jungle as he could. Launching himself over a large fallen tree he had made it as far as he could and ducked down behind it. Just then the thrusters powered up to a point to break atmosphere instantly and enter hyperspeed, the sound was enough to incite nausea and disorientation in anyone unfortunate enough to be nearby. The air cracked and the trees bent over from the effect the thrusters had on combusting and collapsing oxygen on the vacuum that was created by the large vessel leaving the planet so suddenly. It kicked up a windstorm that lasted only a minute, but it was devastating enough - flattening several trees in the area.

“A.L.I.C.E.! INFORM CORNERIAN MILITARY THAT VENOM HAS LANDED ON SAURIA†He screamed, his ears deafened and ringing by the screeching of thrusters that resonated in his head. Shaking his head violently to try and clear the confusion, he realized that he could still only hear his own thoughts, the ringing was overpowering but fortunately it would only be temporary. Pulling himself to his feet he quickly paced back to the cliffside where he had left his gear

“No wonder Corneria couldn’t detect these guys coming in and out of the atmosphere very well! They have been using warp drives to get them directly in and out of the planet stratosphere. Long range scanners have no chance of distinguishing between the mass of the planet and the vessels entering or leaving. But - I wonder how they are able to program their nav computers so precisely? A slight misalignment in trajectories and there would be no more planet - no ship could do that before..." thought Steel as he pictured a star cruiser colliding into a planet at the speed of light. By his estimates, the force would shatter the planet into a new asteroid belt..

“Steel, are you there?†Interrupted a distant voice.

“Huh?†queried Steel, obviously distracted by what he had just found.

“Steel, I have no contact for the time being with Corneria, the craft that you found leaving the atmosphere temporarily disrupted long range communications on your ship.â€

Cursing again lightly under his breath, Steel remembered his command for A.L.I.C.E. to contact Cornerian Intelligence. “Thank you A.L.I.C.E., keep trying to establish communications, it shouldn’t be long. I am going to investigate the landing zone for the cruiser.†He said, as he began to pick up his disturbed gear, wind-swept across the jungle along the path he took. Steel reattached the scope to his rifle and shouldered it using the strap, heading off in the direction of the most discrete path down to the bay, behind the Ocean Force Point temple.

[Mellow Walrus]

Heh, it's actually looking like your writing style is getting better. There's a few technical things I'll go ahead and point out, though:

You introduce the AI as A.L.I.C.E. and then go on to refer to her as ALICE, where you could've just used the same form at the beginning. It is better to spell acronyms out without the periods, with them reading the name gets tedious, so you have the right idea there. Typically, when you include the periods, it suggests that the word is intended to be pronounced letter-by-letter, but that's not always the case. I'm sure that her name would be pronounced as the normal name. If she's simply a device that Steele uses, it'd be best to keep her name in acronym form to keep her in the boundaries of being identified as a machine. If she's more like a normal character, you can have her name simply be Alice when Steele engages in dialog with her, to further personify her. That's how Arthur C. Clarke refers to HAL 9000 in Space Odyssey, who's usually just known as Hal. (Or at least, it's how I interpret that detail in the book)

“No wonder Corneria couldn’t detect these guys coming in and out of the atmosphere very well! They have been using warp drives to get them directly in and out of the planet before they leave the atmosphere that covers up their movementsâ€

That sentence there contains a misplaced modifier, they can creep up on you every now and then. It sounds like the atmosphere is what covers up their movements when (I assume) it's the warp drive that covers up their movements. Other than that, I think I've seen a few verb tense errors, but otherwise I haven't seen too many problems. You describe the tech pretty well, and the plot is starting to pick up in this scene. I'll make sure to keep up with the next installments :-)

[sroberson]

Yeah I wasn't exactly sure how to tackle naming ALICE/A.L.I.C.E./Alice...the AI will be referred to more frequently when the characters are by themselves but I don't imagine I will give her much personification. I guess in which case I would use the acronym? I plan largely on giving her a mechanical and functional role in the story as opposed to a sentient program that Steel communicates with for conversation (though I suppose doing that would make the story more active, something I will have to consider as I progress)

Also, on the part regarding Steel's thoughts on the ship being able to slip in and out of the planet without being detected - I actually did intend to suggest that the atmosphere was shielding the ship's movement on and off the planet. The idea was that the supposed scanners that were used to monitor planets have a harder time distinguishing between masses when they are very close to each other. So when the ship enters and leaves orbit so close to the planetside it makes it hard to detect anything. Though it should be recognized perhaps in a later rewrite that the method of warping in and out of a planet's stratosphere causes ecological damage and requires technology relatively unknown to much of Lylat, suggesting that Venom has at least in some ways surpassed the technological capabilities of Corneria. (Yeah I spent some time trying to develop the world before writing this ). I probably need to clean up that passage just to clarify that.

I figured I probably had some verb tenses being mixed up between past and present, I caught myself many times when writing having to go back and fix that stuff.

As usual, thanks Mellow!

UPDATE: Edited the part where Steel muses on the ship leaving the atmosphere. Hopefully that clears things up a bit. I know I started using the dreaded ellipse again, but I felt the need to express a pause or inflection in thoughts. Might edit again

[Guest]

I was hoping this story would go on. I guess it requires a post to get it some attention again.^^ If you're having problems finding a suitable end, I'm good at constructing plots and settings, just not at writing them as fluent text (due to me usually making them for something else than written fiction). If we talk sometime and you give me a glimpse of some back informations regarding it, I'd likely find something. The only change for me would be from fantasy to Sci-Fi but I've done hybrids already, so it shouldn't be that hard.