Relationships and Religion - can different beliefs work?

[Redeemer]

Okay, so as Steve mentioned in the Love Life Topic, we should bring any debate regarding religion here.

My question to you guys is: Can two people who have completely different beliefs be together? Some of you are reluctant to get into relationships with Atheist girls - why?

Personally, if a guy liked me and didn't want to be with me because of my beliefs, I would think I have missed a bullet. I think that true love doesn't rely on your chosen religion, and if I was being judged by mine, then I would seek to escape the situation. What if it was the other way around? What if she didn't want to be with you because you're Christian? Think about it - someone with totally different beliefs is willing to be with you, because she wants you for you. Not saying that to upset anyone, it's just what I personally feel. I'm an old fashioned romantic.

If you truly believe you and another person have a chance at a life together, then don't let differing religions stand in your way. You never know, maybe you can have your new partner see your beliefs. Just my 2 cents on the matter.

And FYI, I've went from not really believing in anything to being Christian since being in my relationship. :3

[Gene Inari]

Like any relationship, where there are differences, a compromise is usually the best solution. Or like Red said, you can bow out and 'dodge the bullet.' :U Yeah, couples of wildly different or 'opposed' religions has worked before, but I'd say they're the exception and not the norm.

To answer the question personally; I'd prefer someone with similar religious beliefs (agnostic) as myself rather than something different.

[Steve]

It heavily depends on the person. One person's beliefs can be strong enough to surpass earthly love, as the love (for example) for Jesus or the ideals from the bible can be a priority for some highly devoted Christians and the like.

Personally, if I were single and started to date someone with strong religion beliefs, I would back away if my own personal beliefs were to clash with those of the person I'm trying to be with. After all, I'm not going to force a person to stop praying, going to church, etc. That would be wrong. As well as it would be forceful to make me do all those things if I simply, don't have those beliefs. If religion was in game, but the other person would respect my beliefs, then that's fine. After all, there are many Christian, Catholics, etc that don't go to church or are tied completely to religion, they just believe in a god or a divine being.

While it's not that easy, I believe people with strong beliefs (and those without ) in a religion should state all these baselines before getting more interested in a person, as in, if you see that you are making progress with someone, it's always good to have a bit of religious talk, in that way not only will you see if that person is "fit" for you and your beliefs, you won't be dealing with a broken heart. As for almost everything, communication plays a big role.

Even if a Christian dates an agnostic and a compromise is met, there's also the family pressure coming from the Christian family if they are devoted. So that's another thing to consider, as for some, family acceptance plays a big role when choosing a partner.

[ballisticwaffles]

i think that being of two diffrent religions does not matter if the two people love each other enough.

I to am a die hard romantic and the inner romantic in me doesnt see religion as an obstical to being together. It could be a bump in the road that would need to be smoothed over, but i dont see why Christians and Muslims and Jews and Zoranostrians cant marry.

[Harlow]

Depends: Does one of the parts in the relationship loves their religion more than their mate?

If the answer's yes, then you might better split.

It won't be worth it if, for example, your Muslim boy wants you covered head-to-toe, or your Jewish girl wants you to get circumzised; putting that kind of requirements on a relationship won't work and will affect more than just the couple.

Also it's worthy to say that strong religious beliefs can be a turn-off, and that, most of the time, people with strong beliefs love people with equally strong beliefs.

As you said, attraction will eventually be stronger to the point you ask yourself "Religion? What's that?"

[Fluxy]

I've already said really my opinion on this, and it wasn't really too big of a debate thing, so I really don't see the point in simply copying and pasting my views.

But, I will mention since I find it interesting myself. I know that I was raised to be a near die hard christian, had a snapping point [insert un-needed drama] and simply said I need a break, possibly a permanent one, from religion. I've never had much desire after to go back.

And this next part, people have told me that this is 'Taking advantage of God' and whatever, but being with my lovely for a long time now... I've been thinking about us finding a religion. Mainly a bit due to some type of fear. I don't know what's going to happen in the afterlife, but I know that if there is one, and I am still able to feel some form of emotion, that I'd want to be with her.

I'm not particularly sure if that's the right moral thing I should do in this case, because I'd be accepting God out of fear [Which yes that's an entirely different talk] so that I could spend the afterlife with Anna too.

It wasn't really 'On Topic' but I felt it sorta related to the issue in a different sense.

[Xortberg]

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately, since a lot of my friends on Facebook are strongly atheist and discussions like this come up quite often.

If it was just me and some girl, and I really did love her, I might be able to put up with even a really devout Christian. Of course, she'd have to compromise in my direction as well, but a relationship is about more than just whether or not you believe in a guy in the sky.

The thing that I really see being the issue, in my personal case, is children. I'm not a militant atheist, like some people I know who go to religious FB pages just to try and force their beliefs, but I am pretty strongly decided in my lack of faith. I came to this conclusion on my own, and I see myself as lucky in that I was able to break through ~15 or so years of Christian indoctrination. When something has been accepted as fact for that long, it's hard to break free, even if proof is right there in front of you.

If I have kids, and my wife wants to raise them as Christians, we're gonna have some problems. I'm not gonna raise my children to be atheists, because that's indoctrination itself and I want them to decide what they believe on their own. That's gonna be hard enough in overwhelmingly Christian USA. Even without someone at home drilling God into their heads, religion is talked about pretty much everywhere. I don't want my kids to have a belief forced into their heads before they're old enough to make a rational decision on their own, and I don't want to force my partner into actively raising a child against her own beliefs.

So long story short, I could possibly deal with a religious girl if there was enough about her that I liked otherwise. But, for my possible eventual children's sake, I'd rather shack up with a like-minded girl and avoid the issue altogether, if possible.

[Dr. Orange]

In my opinion, if two people love each other then Religion isn't something that should get between them. Unless he or she is trying to force their religion upon you at all.

Back in the day I had a very religious girlfriend who was Jewish and It became a problem when I would call on a Saturday and she couldn't answer because, in the Jewish faith, one cannot press buttons on the day of sabbath.

Now being an Atheist, its sometimes hard not so say things like "The world would all be better without religion." and shit. To be honest, I would miss out on some of the great art Christianity inspired. Yet I can't stand to go to a Church, or a Christian school and be told that science is wrong because God tells them to.

So I could stand if someone is religious. But when the try to convert or change my beliefs, then it is a problem.

[Icy]

For me, and this is just me, disregarding what anyone else thinks.

If I love someone more than anything then there is no reason whatsoever that I should care about their religion/beliefs.

If they don't like my beliefs I will explain it simply that I don't care about that sort of thing, just being together is all that matters.

So that's my answer. I, too, still believe in this thing called "true love" and so religion/beliefs? They are completely irrelevant if two people truly love each other.

Nothing else matters, either. Not just religion.

When there's true love between two people, nothing matters except that. I know I'd give up caring about anything and everything for this one person no matter what. Do anything, etc. A lot of people say that but they rarely realize what it means, so they do not really mean it. I applaud those who do actually understand it and actually do mean it.

[TCPeppyTc]

I know that relationships can work when the two practice two different faiths. However having the same faith ( or lack thereof) can increase compatibility. Like one more thing a couple has in common, and probably a common worldview that goes with said religion.

[Mr. Krystal]

Sounds like a lot of you have had bad experiences with religious people. I'm deeply sorry for whatever they did to you. It's not anyone's place to try and force things on people; it's certainly not mine. And I also don't think it proper to attempt to forge relationships with God by inciting fear. But for me, this isn't about people being religious or not. I'm not "religious." This is about relationships.

I agree that love is the MOST important thing in all of existence. What I find curious is that everyone here expects me to pay no attention to the love I have for my God and Father, and the love He has for me. I love Him more than both of my parents combined, and I love my parents very deeply. My parents know this and are proud. I want my wife to love God more than she loves me. I want her to expect the same thing from me. In fact, if I had to give up a life with this girl, or ANY girl, in exchange for the girl learning about and being a part of God's love, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's not about me, it's about what's best for her. The hope is that she would begin to have a relationship with God and we could share that together, being like-minded in the most important aspect in life.

Chances are high a non-Christian relationship would DAMAGE my faith. I would constantly have to chose between her and God, instead of us being on the same team. Eventually, a non-Christian's influence on my life day and night would have SOME negative effect on my faith. After all, my faith is my relationship with my Father, a trust built up over all the years of my life. God is not some dispassionate, whimsical floating being in the clouds. God is a person. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

This is not a matter of family pressure, either. I follow God. I have proven my parents wrong on various Christian topics before, and they have changed their beliefs to be more correct, just as I have changed when I'm shown to be conclusively wrong.

There's also the question of "what kind of love are we talking about?" Seems like people are mostly talking about romantic and physical love. I like romance probably more than the next guy, but that's not what I want to build a relationship on. I'm already feeling infatuation for this girl. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at suppressing emotions, so I don't expect that feeling to last too long. I'm more interested in getting to the point of real love. A love by choice. Once I commit to a woman, I'm going to love her by choice forever, no matter what happens, regardless of how I feel, good or bad. I hope she will also commit to loving me unconditionally. We will love each other because we have decided to, not because of emotions, passion, or even common interests.

[Thu'um]

I to am a die hard romantic and the inner romantic

best friends, best friends forever.

Well i'm not particulary talented in conveing my thoughts and emotions through text. But here i go:

I have never had a girlfriend actualy. That seems to be uncommen for a guy my age,(16) and apprently i'm not the kinda person that seems like that. Most of my friends are shocked when i tell them i never have had a girl friend. Was that whole thing called dating started in the 5th grade or what ever i just never felt pressured to have one. I had crushes go by and things, but i made myself a promise, i wouldn't ask anyone out till i knew feelings i had for them weren't just momentary. that i had an intrest in them as a person. ANd why i have found only one girl who met the standered so far, she didn't like me

But what i have seen in my rather short life is that there are no real guidlines for realtion ships. Some people can coexist with other reilgous people in their realtionships, other can not. Some people can run and scream and yell at on another, while other couples can't. To ask if diffrent people with diffrent reilgions can co-exist with each other then the answer is OF COURSE! but not always.

Religon is extremly important to myself. If i was to enter a casual realtionship with a woman, reilgon might not seem to matter at first. but as things got a little more personal, i would like her to try my religon. If there isn't that same bond there then i won't really be close to that indvidual in the ways i want to: spirtualy. I want to be able to learn and grow with my lady in Christ's love, to converse what things mean, and experinces we've had. To go into a serious realtionship with out that would be hard for me. If i can't connect with her on the topic that guides how i act, and what i belive in, there will always be a large chunk missing.

[Faisul]

I agree wholeheartedly with AJC here (Oh no, you think, Faisul posted in a topic about religion! Holy shit he's gonna start chewing on everything and make a mess but haha, gotcha).

While I may personally disagree with the tenets of your faith, and perhaps the degree in which you would pursue the instillment of that faith in a hypothetical non-believing girlfriend of yours in the future, that's your business and, if the hypothetical girl in question is comfortable with that or agrees to a compromise, that's her business. If she were to leave you because of it, tough luck, you didn't find the right person for you.

Of course, the degree in which a relationship between a believing person and a non-believing person (or a person believing in something else) will succeed is, as people have pointed out, dependent on the willingness to compromise or respect the belief of the other. It is unlikely to the degree of impossibility that a highly radical Evangelical and a militant atheist would ever be able to get along, but there's little in the way for moderates on both sides to find common ground and thus a basis for a healthy relationship.

However, a word of warning: if any of you types, believing or non-believing, should get together with someone of either camps, be goddamn respectful of the other's beliefs, or you're a zealot. If you disagree strongly with your partner's belief system, there are other ways than outright prosetylizing or forceful lecturing available to you in order to come to a mutually beneficial solution. If you enroll someone in a church or sign them up for atheist conventions without their knowledge and then cart them to these places without their consent, you are a zealot and are inviting them to a highly uncomfortable setting which will make them leave you. You do not need to make fun of them either, and declaring that 'you are a godless heathen and I must save you from the fires of hell eternal by reading you this bible' or 'you are literally too stupid to think for yourself, here let me make you watch 50 hours of Richard Dawkins calling you a fucking idiot' is mean at best and outright abusive at worst. Even if you mean well, you're being annoying, intrusive, and I dare say, ungentleman(woman)ly.

Instead, take the time to respectfully address your concerns in a safe setting, be open to new ideas and dialogue, and above all else, avoid using coercion. There are enough cults and sects out there that take advantage of people's low self-esteem, ignorance, or weakness under pressure to force them into bizarre and harmful practices; your relationship does not need to be like this, and no healthy relationship is. You'll have to be willing to roll with some punches, be prepared to listen and shut up while someone tells you things you may strongly disagree with, and maybe even be prepared to change a facet or the whole of your belief system to accomodate someone else's. However, at that latter point, it might be more trouble than worth it by sticking with that person. If you become unhappy with someone else due to this, however, don't give up immediately: talk with the other person and see if you can't work something out. If not, find someone else. Yes, it is that simple.

[Fana McCloud]

This makes me think of the phrase people in love often use: "You complete me." That seems to be a metaphor and reference point that best fits my views. See, you can't mash together two puzzle pieces that don't fit and have it be harmonious. Many times having extremely differing religious views is a strong indicator that the pieces won't fit, but not always. On the philosophical level if both people believe similarly then the details they put over them in their choice of religion (or lack thereof) are usually pretty inconsequential I believe. But when it comes to making compromises in relationships, I think the compromise has to serve both parties well (other than preserving the relationship). Telling someone they have to convert to one's religion for example doesn't strike me as that. It forces something onto a person's identity and once that line is crossed you're basically telling someone to stop being WHO they are, rather than prescribing behaviors/actions based on what mutually serve both. Now if someone WANTS to change religions and are really in agreement with what they're signing up for then that's great, but too often the conversion isn't all that sincere because the person doesn't want the core of their being altered and they only did it to be with the person they care about.

I think it goes without saying that most other attempts to force someone to change who they are, what they believe, what they like, etc would be met with a response in the vicinity of "this is who I am, deal with it or move on elsewhere" and I think it applies here too. Usually though, people only care about core philosophies being similar, not the wrapping paper you dress it in, so having differing religions isn't always an issue. All that seems to be an issue with that is that one of the people involved is sad that the other isn't going to heaven or some other place because they don't worship the right deity, no matter how pure their other beliefs are - that's not something I'd imagine would be a deal breaker.

[Xortberg]

I suppose I'll repeat my previous point since people are ignoring it and focusing on the 1v1 aspect of a relationship.

But hey, a relationship? It's more than just two people.

Setting aside the families of both participants, which may easily make or break a relationship in itself if there's serious conflicting beliefs, a hell of a lot of people in romantic relationships will end up having children and making a family as well. It's easy to say "Oh, I'll never have kids," but most people really can't know that for certain until faced with the decision, in my opinion, and you may end up falling for someone who does want kids anyway.

Compromise between two people over religious beliefs is a walk in the park compared to deciding how you're going to raise a child to believe. That kid is your responsibility, and you're going to have to do what you think is best for that kid as a team. If Bob is a devout, righteous Christian and Sharon is a militant atheist, and both have managed to put aside their different beliefs for each other, suddenly they have a child that Bob wants to raise in a Christian environment, while Sharon is against that kind of early indoctrination and will fight tooth and nail to see to it that her child isn't "brainwashed" into believing something that is, in her eyes, so obviously untrue.

That is not good for the kid. Even if the conflict there doesn't drive the two apart, it will create a constant hostile subject that the child will have to grow up with, and that's no good at all.

[Thu'um]

Xort has a deffinent point, but i know alot of half Jewish kids. Most alternate weeks or months with either parents reilgon, and eventualy they pick one. I see it as the best way. Forcing a kid to be somthing that the other parent is opposed to would be horrible.

[Vy'drach]

That's odd, Ajc, given that Jewish belief is that the child is the same religion as the mother. So if a Jewish man makes a child with a Christian woman, than by his own faith, to the father the child is already Christian and should not be anything else as per his religion. Now a Jewish mother with a Christian father can make this a bit more complicated.

[Mr. Krystal]

One would hope that conflicts that would otherwise arise about how to raise kids would not only be talked about, but agreed upon before, you know, having kids. Amazes me how little people plan things these days.

[Thu'um]

That's odd, Ajc, given that Jewish belief is that the child is the same religion as the mother.

yes.....this make it weird how?

[Vy'drach]

Makes it weird that they religion swap every few weeks. That's actually unusual in all regards, but especially with a religion that has a doctrine already set in the case of parents of two different religions.

[Drasiana]

The only time differing religious values would be a detriment in a relationship with me is if you use your religion or lack therof as an excuse to belittle or contribute to the oppression of other people. If being a "good Christian" means you shoving your face full of Chik-fil-A to get back at those pesky gays, I'll pass.

Luckily Faisul has already demonstrated his smarts on the subject in this topic so I'm in the clear.

My favourite relationship is my Satanist roommate and her Christian boyfriendtypedude.

[Faisul]

It's a beautiful relationship, to be sure! There must be a hell of a lot of interesting conversations around the coffee table.

[Harlow]

There must be a hell of a lot of interesting conversations around the coffee table.

[Thu'um]

Makes it weird that they religion swap every few weeks. That's actually unusual in all regards, but especially with a religion that has a doctrine already set in the case of parents of two different religions.

alrighty...your point?