Guest Kit Airheart Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 Some of you might recall I wrote a fanfiction of my own, and that I've been on a long hiatus. Well, for those of you who haven't forgotten/lost interest... http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1887508/19/ It's also on DA if you for whatever reason refuse to go to ff.net, although I really don't care for DA's story format...Sometimes the beginning on sentences are chopped off. Maybe they're still working out the kinks in V5, who knows. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/37973595/ I would also like to point out that this is a flashback sort of thing and, OMFG, it revolves around Krystal. I'd understand if some of you might be confused, but I'll probably fix a few things up later. To everyone that still cares, I thank you, and I hope you enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakeWalker Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Hmm, not too bad, some flowery language, but you show promise. Watch out for those typos, though. You don't have many, so those which are there stand out. I mean, Krystal crotching down sounds hot and all, but I doubt it's what you meant. Little Krystal is very cute. I actually prefer the flashbacks to the moments in the present, mostly because your transitions are a little... overextended? As in, you're telegraphic everything that's about to happen in the next scene as the reason why Krystal's experiencing the flashback. There needs to be more letting it happen; we can piece together why current events trigger old memories. Which isn't to say I don't mind the angsty introspection. Not often I get to see Krystal written this way, and I appreciate it. Though I think she's being a little too metacognitive for herself. I mean, even for someone as mentally focused as a girl with telepathy might be... She's overanalysing everything. Aaaaand... the ending kinda sucks. Just because I know what happens next. I was much more entertained by seeing Krystal in that period we know nothing about. Still, a very good piece of writing, kudos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kit Airheart Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Well...just so you know it's part of a larger story...it wasn't that one chapter...and it was a flashback type of thing, so obviously there's going to be something that'll hint to what has already happened. That ending that sucked so much was my theory of how Krystal came to Dinosaur Planet. Yeah, my transitions were wordy...but that's because I did something like that before, and they got confused when I went from one time/scene to the next, so I tried to make it as obvious as possible. As for the typos and all...yeah...I will be editing it on ff.net. I just wanted to get the thing over with. I can also understand you thinking it's overly negative, but...well, the girls' wandering a jungle planet, no idea where she's going or why, and every person she's ever loved is dead. With all du respect, I think I can be angsty this one time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 As good as ever! ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakeWalker Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Ah, but I said I liked the angst. And this is chapter one? Sorry, I must have missed that. But then, that also suggests that you're just going to start writing her view of Adventures, which I really hope you aren't. I mean, in short form, sure, it might be interesting, but in a longer format, we already know what happens. As for the transitions, well, I guess I'm just smarter than the rest of your audience. :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Kit Airheart Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 No, you're probably just more observant than some of them, although apparently not enough to notice it's chapter 18 (technically 19 on ff.net) not 1. No offense, but...a lot has gone on up until this particular chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakeWalker Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 No, I'm not terribly observant. Chapter 18, for real? It's an even grander statement to your writing ability, then, because I was at no point lost as to what was going on. The only question I had was the identity of the planet Krystal is on. But then, I figured it wasn't that important, and I had a few guesses anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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