50 Biggest Grievances About Video Games (raunchy humor, be advised)

[Guest Julius Quasar]

Now, don't get me wrong, I do love video games, but I happened to

come across a MAD MAGAZINE from September of 2005 (Magazine #457)

and here's what they have to say about the 50 Biggest Grievances About Video Games,

and I must say, I can't help but agree somewhat with many of these...

So here are the 50 Biggest Grievances About Video Games:

1.Game Designers who can't understand why more females won't play video games, especially since they feature female characters such as a globetrotting archaeologist (with big bewbs) world class volleyball champs (with big bewbs) and easily killed "street-walkers" (with big...) *sarcasm* "Gee, I wonder whyyyy!"

2.Console Manufacturers selling systems without basic essentials like memory cards, or a second controller, so you have to shell out another $60 "before you can see so much as a hair on Luigi's mustache"

3.  The once realistic SIMS "busting out" into settings so fake and ridiculous it's only a matter of time before we see "The SIMS Team Up with Sonic the Hedgehog to take on the Giant Fire Breathing Turtles"

4.  Sega's long, pathetic parade of short lived console systems, from the Sega CD to the 32X to the Saturn to the Dreamcast, establishing a legacy of failure rivaling that of the Chicago Cubs.

5. The "Total Time Played" stats on your memory card, which serve to prove to your parents how many hours you've spent playing video games instead of doing your homework.

6.  Games that make too many of their features "unlockable".  Just to enjoy everything, you're forced to jump through more hoops than a dolphin at sea world.

7.  Downloading "patches" for the latest and greatest massive-multiplayer extravaganza.  You mean our $50 AND the monthly fee didn't actually include a finished product?! 

8.  Mind-numbingly dull "cinematic sequences"-as if we needed to interrupt the game every 10 minutes with bad acting and cliched dialogue to explain the deep motives and back story of why Ratchet and Clank are running and jumping.  (Thank GOD this DOESN'T apply to Star Fox Games)

9.  Choppy, 2nd rate video games designed for cell phones.  Was text message not a silly enough way to drain battery power?

10.  Video game magazines that spend months hyping a game as the second coming, lavishing it with praise and eagerly counting down to its release date, only to dismiss it when it comes out as third-rate, over-hyped crap.

11.  Video game reviews from MAXIM or FHM magazines *shudders* (not gonna comment on that)

12.  All tasks involving searching a search for a key to open doors and/or secret passages, treasure chests, or anything else crucial to your success.  I.E. A guy running around tirelessly with 10 machine guns can't just shoot a freakin' door open, or a kid with a sword can't just hack open a locked chest?!

13.  Selling multi versions of the same Pokemon Games with different creatures in each one, so you have to buy them both.  "It's almost as shameless as making collectors buy two identical [MAD] magazines with different covers" 

14.  Racing through the Grand Canyon in a super charged 350Z with ARC spoilers and HKS turbochargers...then turning off Gran Turismo 4 and driving to work in your 1988 Honda Civic with AM/FM radio and manual windows.

15.  Wannabe gamers who drop $200+ on a system, and another $50+ on a game, then look up every cheat code to make playing as easy and pointless as possible.

16.  The "Plug and Play" Atari system, which seems cool until you actually buy it and realize that advances in graphics, color, and sound were made for a reason. B)

17.  Falling for EA's annual con of forking over 50 bucks for the improved version of MADDEN FOOTBALL, since "improved" apparently means adding a couple of dozen bench players and 7 new versions of Madden yelling "BOOM!  He sure knows how to tackle!"

18. Vietnam games that make you wonder if any national tragedy is off-limits for crass exploitation.   

19.  Getting psyched to watch Spider-Man 2 (or 3) on your new PSP, then realizing the battery will get you as far as the opening credits.

20.  Donkey Konga, which combines the '60s-era art of bongo drumming with none of the mind bending hallucinogens that made it tolerable in the first place.

21. Finding out your school photo looks just as dorky and pathetic digitally pasted onto a cool skaters body in Tony Hawk's Underground as it does hanging in your parents' den.

22.  Rockstar's "exclusive" deal to keep Grand Theft Auto on Playstation 2, only to turn around and put a better version on Xbox a few months later.  *sarcasm* "For some inexplicable reason, we were expecting upstanding ethical behavior from a company whose game glorifies a hooker-killing, drug-dealing thug".

23.  Having to "level up" your characters in role-playing games to the point where it requires more work than your actual job.

24.  Highly-anticipated releases like Half-Life 2 and Doom 3, which boast innovative, thrilling new ways for you to, uh...kill stuff.

25.  Mario's ridiculous Italian accent, which comes in behind Grand Theft Auto, Vice City's infamous "Kill all the Haitians" message as the worst ethnic offense in gaming.  "It's-a me, Mario.  I'm a-here to set Italians back 100 years!  Mama Mia!"

26.  Having a balance of [practically] 10 cents on your arcade card, which is totally good for nothing, and yet you STILL can't bring yourself to toss it out.

27.  Obnoxious gaming buddies who successfully guilt you into letting them "try this level just one more time"  which quickly turns into a half hour, then hours on end and finally, daybreak. 

28.  The rationalization that video games are good for hand-eye coordination, as if that weren't true of nearly any other activity involving doing a thing to another thing.

29.  Sports games games that realistically simulate the athletic experience with shots of players scratching themselves.

30.  Games with development cycles that are so long and with their release dates forever delayed-even the friggin' Sopranos produced new episodes faster.

31.  Having to blow $10 on a book of tip codes because the game you want them for is the ONLY one that hasn't been typed up for free on the internet.

32.  *too yucky to mention* (let's just put it this way, Cheetos residue + your gross friend's clammy hands + your controller =

EEEEWWW!!!!!)

33.  Juiced-up versions of old Atari games, which are way too complex for fans of the originals and waaayy too lame for everyone else.

34.  Trying to make a boring game like golf  more "extreme" by adding violence, scantily clad chicks, and dubbing it Outlaw Golf, meaning we'll soon have Outlaw Shuffleboard, X-Treme Badminton and Ultra-Psycho Desperado Horseshoes.

35.  The horrible realization that you're so two-left-footed that if you played Dance-Dance-Revolution head-to-head with William Hung, you'd lose...bad.

36.  Too many games out there are sequels, prequels, or poor imitations of hit games.  These days an actual, new original gaming experience is rarer than a funny David Spade movie. (NOT MY personal opinion)

37.  The Army's cost-cutting use of video games to train its soldiers. *sarcasm* "Which will really pay off when we finally invade the frozen wastelands of 'Tallon IV'...."

38.  Blowing on the NES cartridges and holding down "RESET". I know, that was, like, forever-ago, but dude, that was soooo totally weak, man.

39.  Saving $4 per game by buying preowned ones...when you do the math, it's like getting 13 scratched up disks of dubious playability for the price of 12!

40.  Companies that make a big deal of hiring slumming, D-list Hollywood schmucks to record a few sound clips/sound bites for their game, as if David Arquette's involvement has ever made anything better.

41.  Now that multi-player games are best played with online opponents, video game recluses can finally stop bothering to make friends to play with, thus freeing them of their last tether to normal human society.

42. Games that boast 50 hours of game play when 48 of them consist of retracing your tracks through the same area you've already been through nine freakin' times.

43.  Trying to decide which sucks more: movies based on video games or video games based on movies.

44.  Enter the Matrix  The only thing in this world that could actually make the Matrix sequels seem coherent and interesting.

45.  The ESRB ratings, which are a big help for parents who can't decide whether or not Killzone is suitable for their 6 year old.

46. SIMS addicted roommates who practice better fitness, tidiness, and personal hygiene online than in real life.

47.  Cheesy gaming articles in Time and Newsweek that are journalistic equivalent of your mom trying to dance to Outkast.

48.  Disc 5 of the GTA: San Andreas box set-MAD Magazine and many others...just don't like it. (never heard it myself, so meh)

49.  Realizing that 1. There's not a woman's beach volleyball player in the world who looks like that and 2. If there were, she wouldn't sleep with a pasty faced schmuck who plays electronic beach volleyball all day.

50.  Games that, despite being based on "cool" characters, just plain suck.  You know, like, Spy vs. Spy.

*feel free to add your own, as Kursed did...very funny, by the way, Kursed, good job*  :yes:

[Kursed]

I love number nine.

51.great 2nd and first generation games then the 3rd is absolute bull not even worth the buy(Empire earth3 WAS BAD! it was like jumping from highschooll all the way back to 1st grade the game really was that bad)

52.releasing a demo of the game that Includes Everysingle buildable building unit and super power for the 2 out of 3 races of the Rts Game.(Cnc3's demo did that it completely ruined the game for me I doubt I'll ever play a demo of a Rts game again.)

[Guest Julius Quasar]

I love number nine.

15.great 2nd and first generation games then the 3rd is absolute bull not even worth the buy(Empire earth3 WAS BAD! it was like jumping from highschooll all the way back to 1st grade the game really was that bad)

16.releasing a demo of the game that Includes Everysingle buildable building unit and super power for the 2 out of 3 races of the Rts Game.(Cnc3's demo did that it completely ruined the game for me I doubt I'll ever play a demo of a Rts game again.)

yeah!...Great ones you made, Kursed!!  B)

hahaha!

(you might wanna change yours to to "51" and "52", I'll be done with the list in a jiffy, I was only on #14 when you posted)

[Guest Chiro-Chan]

53. Gaming companies that decide "Oh hey, let's NOT release a totally awesome game over here in *insert country of choice here* and sell shovelware games like 'Super Intense Checkbook Balancing' instead! They'll like that much better."

B)

[Star Fox Runner]

43.  Trying to decide which sucks more: movies based on video games or video games based on movies.

Word on that.

54. Trying to convince your younger sibling that you are not cheating because you beat the living snot out of them.

55. E.T. the game...... nuff said.

56. Trying to convince Jack Thompson video games aren't the Anti-Christ. (THANK GOD HIS LAWYERS LICENSE WAS REVOKED!!!!)

[DoctorAllosaurus]

57. Teenagers becoming Commanding Officers.

58. Commanding Officers having super powers.

[Guest Julius Quasar]

Word on that.

56. Trying to convince Jack Thompson video games aren't the Anti-Christ. (THANK GOD HIS LAWYERS LICENSE WAS REVOKED!!!!)

Right on, dude!!!

Good job to all of you in fact!!

[Sabre]

I like games that tell you how many hours you've played (love x-fire for that) as it lets you know how long you could have spent doing something worth while.

[Guest Julius Quasar]

I like games that tell you how many hours you've played (love x-fire for that) as it lets you know how long you could have spent doing something worth while.

True...plus, you could always hide the memory card from your parents...that's what I'd do if I were a kid...

[Kursed]

True...plus, you could always hide the memory card from your parents...that's what I'd do if I were a kid...

Kinda hard to hide a whole pc....(xfire is for pc

[Guest Julius Quasar]

Kinda hard to hide a whole pc....(xfire is for pc

I meant that you could unplug/remove the memory card from the

console and hide that memory card (I got a PS 2)

but if its  a PC, yeah, I know what you mean  :evil:

[Kursed]

(Old topic I know Problem? )

57.not explaining Why you say someone is a telepath then showing them barely using that so caled Telepathy!

[Guest Julius Quasar]

(Old topic I know Problem? )

57.not explaining Why you say someone is a telepath then showing them barely using that so called Telepathy!

(No problem...thanks for reviving it!    )

Totally!  I agree there.

"Those bloody writer blokes of the Star Fox series need to get their heads on straight."

Also, the Angry Video Game Nerd has always been the best voice for video game grievances.

[Asper Sarnoff]

While it's against the site rules to commit thread necromancy. (I command thy to rise threaaad!!!)

I'll listen to the wish of the forum members, and let this stay open for now. :wink:

[Guest Julius Quasar]

While it's against the site rules to commit thread necromancy. (I command thy to rise threaaad!!!)

I'll listen to the wish of the forum members, and let this stay open for now.

^ Thanks, dude! 

[fox1235]

40.  Companies that make a big deal of hiring slumming, D-list Hollywood schmucks to record a few sound clips/sound bites for their game, as if David Arquette's involvement has ever made anything better.

I totally got that

http://www.wrestlinggonewrong.com/video/pgw_david_arquette_world_champion.html

[Vy'drach]

58: Announcing that the sequel to your hit game will be more realistic, then make it so people can survive headshots, fall five stories and not die, and have a sawed-off shotgun outrange a shotgun with a 20 inch barrel. (MW2, I'm looking at you)

[Guest DRL]

I love number nine.

51.great 2nd and first generation games then the 3rd is absolute bull not even worth the buy(Empire earth3 WAS BAD! it was like jumping from highschooll all the way back to 1st grade the game really was that bad)

52.releasing a demo of the game that Includes Everysingle buildable building unit and super power for the 2 out of 3 races of the Rts Game.(Cnc3's demo did that it completely ruined the game for me I doubt I'll ever play a demo of a Rts game again.)

I have to agree with these

COMPLETELY. And I love nine, two.

*Looks at 5000, DRL's brother*

[Guest Julius Quasar]

59.  The voicespeak channel where people say nasty and hateful things to each other and to you.

Got some real jerks on some of those channels, too.