Reasoning

[Guest Para Astaroth]

Ok, I just wanted to get this off my shoulders since I have been wanting to let you guys really know why I haven't been like myself lately (some of you may disagree).  For the past few years, I have been suffering from sudden emotional breakdowns -- where you're suddenly engulfed with one emotion and stay in it for a couple of hours -- and in my case, it's from having a lot happening to me in my younger years that I didn't understand then than I do now.  For instance, dealing with my mother's divorce of my father, then turning around several years later and marrying a preacher of our church that I cannot stand the sight of.  Also, I've moved about seven or eight times -- got tired of it --, recently had a breakup last June that REALLY put a number on me, and I've been relatively non-upbeat this year.  As a few of you know, I was on the verge of a mental collapse since I lost a grandfather I dearly loved last year five days after my birthday, had a breakup not shortly afterwards, and have been suffering for the past nine months of stress.  Recently -- starting this past Wednesday -- I have suddenly been overcomes with panic/anxiety attacks that I am TRUELY getting sick of; meaning I would wake up the next morning with nausia, light-headedness, sudden shivers, and heart racing 105 to 120 beats per minute.

Today, I am going to my family doctor to get this crap checked out -- maybe an E.K.G if it's not too severe -- so I won't have to deal with this any longer.

So, all the members of this site I have been quite shit-ish to, admins also, I'm truely sorry because I'm trying my VERY best to get things straight with family, school, and my future life.  I know you guys have said I wasn't acting like an ass lately, but you guys need to open your eyes for once and look.  I have basically told off a total of four or five members of this site since I joined last year -- names not included; you know who you are -- and really am sorry for the ones I've put down unintentionly.

All I'm saying is I'm going through a rough time with things snd I'm trying to get things right.

[Kid_Cortet]

it is understandable, in each life..... at least once....everything falls apart...without our control......

please keep hope that some day, everything will turn out alright, and push for that day and show them you can hold up, now matter what, you have friends here willing to listen and help, and I am sure you have friends irl who you can confide in. you shouldn't have to hold it all in by yourself.

I hope everything goes ok for you

[Redeemer]

Aw hon, I can see why you may have been acting differently. Although to be honest, I didn't see any change, I thought you were just your usual, funny and chirpy self. But that doesn't matter - what matters is what YOU feel.

I'm glad you're going to a doctor, not many people do. Alot of people shrug off feelings like that incase they're labelled with a mental illness or made fun of for being "emotional". That's not the case. I know how you feel.

If you need someone to talk to, know that I'm here. Stay strong. <3

[Guest Julius Quasar]

I have suddenly been overcomes with panic/anxiety attacks that I am TRUELY getting sick of; meaning I would wake up the next morning with nausia, light-headedness, sudden shivers, and heart racing 105 to 120 beats per minute.

I've had those as well.  That's why I left chef school.

I'm sorry, dude...about your grandpa, your step dad, the moving, your health and mood etc.

But I hope you feel better.  I hope things work out for you.

If you need someone to talk to, know that I'm here. Stay strong. <3

I second this ^

[Guest Para Astaroth]

To put more icing on the cake, I have held in far too many things that I desperately needing to let go of.  That there is one thing that I struggle so hard with:  Letting things go.  For instance, if I breakup with my soulmate, it takes me months to get over it since I'm very sensitive on certain subjects or topics.  Usually if I get onto the subjects, I kind shut myself off so I don't go any further because I don't want to be reminded of that one particular time.  I would also hold back several emotions that I hate to show -- mainly sorrow, anger, rage, etc -- and act somewhat emotionless. 

I know it's not right, but it's the only thing I can do to let myself get over it.  I've tried explaining it to several people in real life; they listened but didn't care too much, I've also went to a guidance counselour at my school.  The advice is good, but it's the ones I've already tried and failed at, and just turned my back on seeking help.

As of now, I can't take it.  There's people that I use to hang out with that just despise my guts after my last breakup, there is NO ONE, and I mean NO.  ONE., that is my friend this year that will have the nerve and attention span to sit down and just let me explain myself.  Usually, video games and the web is my general escape from reality so I'm generally on it all the time.

Aside from the past-timeline issues, I feel like my mind is in the wrong body, I belong in the wrong family, and I feel like an alien compared to the people at school.  Generally, I sit alone, or with a friend, and just keep quiet because I haven't been very vocal since my fifteenth birthday.  I mean, I WANT to speak to people, but my body rejects the option and I end up remaining quiet and still by myself (people at school call this 'weird' because these people isolate themselves from others and have nothing to do with them, and that's how I feel at school majority of the time.)

[Guest Julius Quasar]

To put more icing on the cake, I have held in far too many things that I desperately needing to let go of.  That there is one thing that I struggle so hard with:  Letting things go.    I would also hold back several emotions that I hate to show -- mainly sorrow, anger, rage, etc -- and act somewhat emotionless. 

That sounds like me.

Aside from the past-timeline issues, I feel like my mind is in the wrong body, I belong in the wrong family, and I feel like an alien compared to the people at school.  Generally, I sit alone, or with a friend, and just keep quiet because I haven't been very vocal since my fifteenth birthday.  I mean, I WANT to speak to people, but my body rejects the option and I end up remaining quiet and still by myself (people at school call this 'weird' because these people isolate themselves from others and have nothing to do with them, and that's how I feel at school majority of the time.)

I was like that at your age, still am sometimes.

[Kid_Cortet]

As of now, I can't take it.  There's people that I use to hang out with that just despise my guts after my last breakup, there is NO ONE, and I mean NO.  ONE., that is my friend this year that will have the nerve and attention span to sit down and just let me explain myself.  Usually, video games and the web is my general escape from reality so I'm generally on it all the time.

what about on here....i mean...Ill listen if you will let me....at least get some stuff off your chest, and I can help the best i can

[Falcory]

I hate to sound like an ignorant dumbass here but......I honestly hadn't noticed anything. You seem like a perfectly normal person to me Harmony. lol

And don't worry too much about the emotions phase. It's pretty normal for teenagers-even if you're a boy. Hormones do some CRAZZZZZY shizz. Mix that with a pot full of life problems and the scientific results can usually come out disastrous.....but hey. It's understandable.

And Roger Wilco to what Kid_Cortet said. It's not really good to not have anyone to speak to your problems about. We're here whenever you need us.  :yes:

[Scott7]

I still Have a couple breakdowns every now and then myself. most people probably wouldn't remember but I left for a few days for personal reasons that fall along similar lines to this thread... and even today I still feel a bit responsable for the Death of a girl cared very dear for...

My parents are going through the process of divorce as well, but after seeing my mom consantly beat down on my father for the most rediculous reasons... I accepted the fact that it's for the best. He's a very good man and despite problems with his buisness he honestly doesn't seem like he deserves it...

I hope things can go a little easier for you..

[Fluxy]

I understand what you are going through, and I am going to put aside the side of me with opinions and such and just keep it at hope you can find some peace with it.

[Guest Para Astaroth]

Well they told my mother and I that it was more of anxiety.  So, they're putting me on some medicine to help calm my heart down when that day comes, and I have to wear a heart monitor for twenty-four hours. 

I feel a lot better knowing I didn't come down with anything and knowing that I, and a couple others, were right about me having anxiety/panic attacks.

[Redeemer]

Yeah, you had the classic symptoms of anxiety attacks, and don't worry. The heart monitor is a standard procedure.

I hope you feel better soon, you're strong in spirit though so I probably don't need to say that. :P

[Guest Para Astaroth]

Well, it feels like everytime I go to school, the attacks are far more greater and worse than when I get home.  Some people have said that it was due to me living by myself, in general, most of my life and being around a whole army of kids my age does do that to me.  I responded by asking, "Then why didn't it affect me THEN, rather than all of a sudden pushing it's foot in my face?"  I am going to try and hang out where I use to hang out since a lot of my friends were VERY concerned about me last week -- saying I looked really down and that they missed me hanging out at the stage -- so, I'm going to give it a shot.  If the attacks keep coming and it gets worse when I hang out at the stage, then I won't stay there.  If I somehow seem to calm down and relax a little once I settle myself down at the stage, then It'll be some relief I will be waiting for.  I am TRUELY tired of being upset and feeling like I'm going into a depression EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  I nearly did a few months ago because I just felt like crap the next day and wasn't really thinking much.  I didn't eat hardly any, I drank mostly, and I just isolated myself in my room with my headphones on with a frequent hurting sensation in my chest and all over my body; hygeine was going down, I wasn't taking care of myself, and I soon just got fed up with it and did something about it.

Good thing that was in the past because dealing with what I have now feels almost EXACTLY like that time a few months ago.  I have been discussing my issues with a select few of you, but I am fighting this stuff as much as I can.  The medication makes me feel like a zombie once I take it and I'm out for about a couple hours (I fought the drowziness today and fell asleep for about two hours).  So, I am going to take a deep breath before I go into school, do some of my missed work I have for all my classes, and try to get the days done.  It's my senior year and I want to end it!