Jal's legacy

[Master Jal]

A story i did about Jal

Chapter 1

Discovery

The corvette Vigilance was on patrol in the Aegis system when the ship received a distress call from a research facility on planet Kavich,

“It's out. It's out. Can anyone hear this?!” Then there was an explosion and the message was cut off.

The Captain sent Search and Rescue squad 57 to investigate it.

Six men walked into the transport. The pilot was in front. Sargent Vasileos walked in

followed by the two medics, Steve and Dylan, the tech Jon, and the soldier Leon. The transport took off.

Steve looked out a window at the blackness of space, then he saw Kavich. It looked bleak and hard.

After a while they entered Kavich's atmosphere. Lightning danced everywhere and it was raining hard. The craft shook and Steve saw smoke in the distance.

Vasileos looked at the squad, Jon looked afraid, Steve was looking out a window, Dylan didn't seem to care much about the trip, Leon looked like he wanted to shoot something.

The pilot of the transport turned it towards the smoke.

The base looked like it exploded, it's roof was twisted outwards the smoke was coming from something inside.

The transport landed near one of the destroyed base's walls there was rubble and bodies everywhere.

The first of the S&R team walked out of the transport, and the wind almost knocked him off his feet.

“What could have done this?” Steve said, as he looked around.

“Hey get the medic someone's alive!” Jon yelled.

There was a soldier barely alive lying on the ground.

“What happened?”

“There was an explosion lots-lots of smoke then some thing was standing in the smoke we shot at it

it didn't die it justttt.”

He went limp.

“Hey, what was that”Jon said.

“What was what?”Steve said.

“That!” he screamed.

And the others turned to see a seven foot tall thing with an arm made out of some metal that seemed to absorb light run at them, Leon shot at it,it grabbed and crushed Leon's head, gore splattered.

And that was the last that anyone heard of Search and rescue squad 57.

[Black-Cat]

Not bad, but wouldn't you capitalize the first letter of each sentence? I mean is it a long sentence, which does not make an sense or a story, I would cpitalize it before another Editor critic comes in.

[Master Jal]

I think i fixed it thanks

[Black-Cat]

Thank you now I will help you with rammar on this:

Search and rescue squad 57 arrived at A Military R and D base on planet Kavich.

Okay for here I would put: The in the beggining of the sentence becuase it makes it sound better.

“Its out its out can anyone hear this!” then the message cut off.

It would be better if you put commas inyou know, Its out, its out, can anyone hear this?!" then the message was cut off.

There was a bump and one of the squad looked out a window. Lightning was everywhere and it was raining hard and he saw smoke in the distance

Waht would be better is if it said it like this:

A bump in the road made a squad soldier look out the window, he saw lightning clawing through the sky, the rain ripping wiht the wind through this place.

That is all I got so far, I have to go, more to come later..

[Master Jal]

Road? what road.

thanks again im terrible with grammar and punctuation and stuff.

[TakeWalker]

I don't see much in the way of grammar/spelling/punctuation problems on my first run-through. I'm going to give this a detailed critique, though, so that may change.

First off, this suffers from the standard rapid-fire, highly declarative style I see in so many inexperienced writers. Put some detail in. Don't be afraid to make this longer (after all, it ends rather abruptly, with little happening to grab the reader's attention). I don't know what your experience with writing has been, but the one phrase that I always try to keep in mind is "Show, don't tell". Let's see what we've got here...

Search and rescue squad 57 arrived at A Military R and D base on planet Kavich.

They had received a distress call from a panicked officer that went like this

“Its out, its out, can anyone hear this?!” then the message was cut off.

Actually, this is precisely what I'm talking about. Don't start us off with the situation; start with the distress call. Make it longer, for one, to draw the reader in. Make them wonder what's going on, who this person is, what they're talking about. Then bring in your S&R squad and introduce us to the characters. Because so far, you've got no characters.

There was a bump and one of the squad looked out a window, Lightning danced everywhere and it was raining hard, the craft shook and he saw smoke in the distance.

There's a comma in there that should be a period, between "window" and "Lightning".

You want to keep passages like this in mind. Granted, this can still be expanded, but you've put some details in. Try to engross your reader by using all five senses: aside from the flash of lightning, the passengers can hear the rain hammering their craft, the crack of thunder, feel the craft shaking because of the high winds.

“That must be it” he thought

And here we go "What must be what, who thought?" You need to introduce your character somewhere. You don't even need to give us his name, but so far you've only mentioned in passing that there is a squad (how many people?) and that they're in a craft. It makes them sound like unimportant characters. You really should put some sort of an introduction in for all of them, important or not. "Sgt. Blah grimaced as yet another peal of thunder assaulted his ears. Johnson shook her head, crestfallen at the thought of finding any survivors in this bleak landscape." Something like that; you can work it into the description of the setting and be very clever in that respect. Let us see the story through their eyes.

The transport landed there was rubble and bodies everywhere.

This is what I'm talking about. Oh boy, rubble and bodies! I hope there aren't any adventurers around!

You started describing the landing craft's behavior before; keep it up. Is it shaking? Do they have a hard time finding the site or landing? If it's storming out, I'd imagine so. And don't just tell us about "rubble and bodies": show us. Describe the characters' reactions to the carnage: being military, are they hardened at the sight and just sort of saddened? Or are some of them green and used to pushing pencils at a desk? Maybe one of them is afraid of rubble and withers at the sight of it. These are the things which make a story worth reading.

The first of the S and R team walked out of the transport, and the wind almost knocked him off his feet

“What could have done this?” one of the squad said.

“Hey get the medic someones alive!” one of the squad yelled.

Again, you're moving too fast. Put the dialogue into our first impressions of the scene, when the crew is just beginning to take in what's happened. Use the dialogue to spice up the characters' reactions, to give us a window into their minds.

Also, it now appears that your S&R squad is, in fact, not your main set of characters. Reading ahead, this isn't the case. They need names; at the very least, designations: the Sergeant, the Private, the pilot, the medic. Something other than "one of the squad". That's not a person, it's filler.

There was a solder barely alive lying on the ground.

“What happened”

“There was an explosion lots-lots of smoke then some thing was standing in the smoke we shot at it

it didn't die it just shot the bullets back at ussss..........”

Again, use dialogue to your advantage, don't just make it another method of dull narration. Show us the action of what's going on; did the medic make it over to begin treating him in vain as he breathes his last?

Oh yeah, and you need a question mark after "happened".

He went limp.

“He's dead”.

We can kind of infer this from the protracted final word in the soldier's statement. You only need one of these sentences to confirm it.

“Hmm what was that”.

“What was what?”.

“That!” he screamed.

And the others turned to see a shadowed figure run at them grab and crush one of the mens heads.

And that was the last that anyone heard of Search and rescue squad 57.

Okay. Which makes me wonder; why did we even have to know about them? You've not gripped me with this, and for that reason, I'm unlikely to want to read the next part. Despite the fact that you kill them off, you need to give the squad names and personalities; it's very jarring, then, when the reader -- who has assumed that these are our heroes -- witnesses the only characters he knows crushed by a shadowy figure.

Also, give a little more description of this figure; be tantalizing, and be dramatic. Do they get a glimpse of it in a flash of lightning? Does it look like a human, or something horribly inhuman?

Your plotting is something that could, in fact, lead this to be very interesting. You just need to work on the execution.

[Black-Cat]

Exactly what I was trying to help with, grammer is also sentence structure, right? Well I am an inexperianced writer, so I think know what he is talking about! :P

[Master Jal]

I think it's fixed now.

[TakeWalker]

I would have to disagree with that statement.

You added some detail and repaired some minor things. But it's still rapid-fire. What I'm talking about here -- if I wasn't clear the first time -- is your pacing:

This happens. And then this happens. And then this happens. And then this happens.

It's just a series of nearly disconnected events in quick succession. There's no transition, no reflection. I'm tired, so I'm not really sure what else I can say to help you out in this.