A modest proposal:

[Kal]

On the disease of human stupidity.

[DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS WRITTEN OUT OF SATIRE AND BOREDOM. READ IT AND THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE FLAMING ME]

*ahem*

Before beginning his work on the atomic bomb, Albert Einstein once said, “There are two things that will last forever: the universe, and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about that first one.” Alas, poor Einstein, you never knew simply how close to the truth you were. We live in a world full of sheep and idiots, men, women, and children who either do everything unquestionably or have no idea what they’re doing at all. For the past decades, mankind has attempted to rectify the problem with public education and information, but for the past decades he has met only with considerable failure. The stupidity problem is not resolving and if anything else is only worsening in the toll it takes upon human intelligence.

All else has failed. The solution is obviously to use fire. I propose that all individuals not meeting a required standard of intelligence be sent to a small island in the middle of the Pacific; I then propose that the island be nuked a few days after their arrival. This would easily solve the problem of stupidity, not only in America but possibly worldwide.

Foremost in the implementation of the plan is in deciding who is “lucky” enough to warrant a one-way ticket on the cruise. This tends to be tricky, as different people have different views on what exactly qualifies as “stupid.” For example, there are many elitists, especially Democrats, who frown upon such classics as Monty Python, Mel Brooks, or Kung-Pow. Likewise, it would be a safe bet that a large majority of Texans, specifically men, who believe (correctly, might I add) that soap operas and most Oscar-winning movies kill brain cells by the millions. One can’t please everybody, else the only people left would be the Amish, and they can’t be trusted to detonate the nukes on the island, rendering the entire plan useless save for the point that everybody else in the world gets a free cruise, which would make the Amish very upset if they believed in cruise ships. Thus, the choice would go to popular vote.

During such a selection process, the entire population of Southern California would indeed be worried and protest; this is easily solved by not telling them what’s going on. It’s not like they care, anyway; they’re too busy with their fancy iPods, border-jumping Mexicans, roller-skating grannies, and non-English-speaking governors to worry about a silly little crusade against stupidity. Besides, there’s a rumor about a free cruise going about, so what’s for them to worry about? Of course, even if they did find out about the plan, it is my belief that the large majority of Southern California would be easily coaxed with the most powerful force known to man: the almighty free T-shirt giveaway. Any Californians able to resist free T-shirts would probably be smart enough to pass the intelligence test, anyways, so it’s another way to weed out the stupid fold, as well as possibly catch any stupid relations in other states and countries.

With America out of the way, my scope now turns to Asia. The Chinese rabbits would be the first to go; their countries already just about filled to the brim as it is, so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a little depopulation. Next would be North Korea, if only for the fact that Kim Jong-Il and his herd deserve it. Russia may be spared; they used to be stupid, then they got over the Cold War and we like them now. The Middle East, on the other hand, won’t be so lucky. The world is simply tired of those pesky Arabs, always fighting and killing and jihad-ing. They hate everyone, and probably for a good reason. It’s not like the free world gave them weapons to fight Communism or something so heinous. My guess is that they’re just jealous of Israel because Isaac got a T-shirt from Abraham and Ishmael didn’t.

Europe is the next target. Fortunately, there’s not much for us to do here. We like Europe and Europe (for the most part) tolerates us, except France. I’m sure there would be no objections to adding a few frogs to the party, possibly not even from the French.

I believe it to be in our best interests to leave Africa alone, mainly because we can take care of it later. There may not be enough room on the cruise, after all the Californians and Chinese and Arabs and French.

Fortunately, I’m not stupid enough to think that ignorance is drawn merely by country lines; far too many people would manage to escape the cruise. Therefore, in addition to the recommendations above, I further propose to include the following individuals and groups:

1) Neo-Nazis and the KKK get first class tickets, unless I can find someone who likes either one, in which case said person would also be bumped to first class.

2) A large majority of lawyers and politicians must be included, only we don’t want to waste a good T-shirt that could go to a deserving Southern Californian.

3) Many fanatics deserve a spot on board. We simply tell them that it’s a convention to whatever object they worship blindly. For example, otakus would go crazy over another Animecon with a free cruise, while Ted Kennedy could push Michael Moore in a wheelbarrow for the Crazy Left-Winger Convention.

4) Uwe Boll gets the premium package, because no one likes him and he’s polluting Hollywood with his bargain-bin classics.

Of course, it would be impossible to include everyone who warrants a ticket and a T-shirt; it is for this reason that I propose a specialized team to “take care” of any stragglers. This team would include Mr. T, Captain Kirk, Reggie, Bill and Ted, at least four Smurfs, and Duke Nukem, and would be headed by none other than Chuck Norris.

I believe that this proposal would be in the long run beneficial to all. Anyone on the island doesn’t have to worry about a life of stupidity or a painful death (since the atom bomb and Chuck Norris have about the same kill potential). Meanwhile, the rest of the world needn’t worry about stupidity and can live for the betterment of society, free of lawyers screwing things up, stupid politicians who force their will based on what they don’t understand, the government attempting to run each individual life like one rules over a hamster cage, and idiots continually lowering one’s faith in humanity. I certainly believe that this is the only smart alternative, as any others are either two costly or flat-out stupid. The world definitely does not need a course of action so incredibly absurd as, for example, thinking for oneself, thinking in general, listening to other people’s opinions, realizing when one makes a mistake, knowing how to fix one’s mistake, taking responsibility for actions, learning and retaining knowledge, or giving a flip about what happens in the rest of the world. These and other like actions are too preposterous for even the smarterest of Californians to even comprehend, let alone carry out.

Besides, they wouldn’t get a free T-shirt out of it.

*exhales, holds up flame shield*

Oh yeah, more disclaimer: I am not a racist.

[XG Fox]

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA THAT'S SO AWESOME!

Hoo man, I can't stop laughing. :shock:

[Guest Dark Krystal]

ROFFLE WAFFLES!!! XDDDDDDDD

[TakeWalker]

Ehhhh. Johnathan Swift did it better.

Kudos for the free T-shirts, however. That and #1 brought a smile to my face like none other.