Descent into Madness

[TheRedFox8]

• 
  
  
  
•     He told her to go and  get lost.
    When they met once more, he saw the bitter cost.
   
    He had ran back to fix the problems of thee.
    Only when he did, she was gone, leaving him with a lonely destiny.
   
    He a committed a crime against his best friend.
    And he saw his life from sweet beginning to bitter end.
   
    The girl and the friend were watching him forever.
    Only then did they know that the live man and dead girl belonged together.
   
    In due time the man had died.
    When he saw her again, he dropped and cried.
   
    He wanted to explain to her but there was nothing for him to tell.
    After some time he learned: He is not in heaven, but instead his own personal  hell.
  

  ~Reona Fox

  
  
  
  
  Author’s note: This  story does not represent my beliefs on how the Star Fox franchise should be headed.  Personally, I think Fox and Krystal be a happy couple. However, my love of  writing tragedies forces me to write otherwise. This is just a “what if”  scenario. Star Fox and its characters belong to Nintendo, yadda yadda yadda.
  
  This is based off the  “Star Wolf Returns!” ending from Star Fox Command:
  
  Star Wolf rises! Across Lylat, people talk  of Wolf O'Donnell and his courageous crew. But they are less kind to Krystal,  feeling that she was wrong to abandon Star Fox. But she ignores the talk and proceeds  with her new life as a member of Star Wolf.
  
  Eventually, the slings and arrows of the  populace are too much to bear. They begin to hiss as she walks by, and name her  traitor to her face. She is alone... and hated. She pulls away from Star Wolf  and tries to find meaning in this new, cruel world.
  
  Haunted by her past, Krystal abandons her  life and flees to a distant galaxy. Changing her name to Kursed, she survived by  collecting bounties on the worst scum in the galaxy. Years later, she runs into  Fox during a job on planet Kew...
  
  He does not recognize her.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***********************************************************************
  Prologue
  
  It has been six years since the end of the evil Anglar  Invasion. Team Star Fox saved the day and the Lylat System was safe once more.  However, this was also the time they said their goodbyes.
  
  Peppy has long before left the team and went on to become  the next great general of the Cornerian Army. He would lead them to many  successful battles.
  
  Krystal never met up with the Star Fox team since she got  kicked out before the Invasion. Facing mass rejection and hatred, she discarded  her former life, becoming the ruthless bounty hunter Kursed. She currently  remains on Kew, looking for contracts.
  
  Slippy went on to be with his beloved fiancée, Amanda. They  went on to have a prosperous life and had many children.
  
  Fox and Falco remained together with the Great Fox II and  ROB, the last remaining parts of the original Star Fox team. Times have been  hard for these three and the Great Fox II and ROB had fallen into worse repair  since the beginning of the Sauria mission undertaken so long ago. There has  been talk of selling the Great Fox II and settling on a remote planet, but such  decisions seem to be far from being made, or so they hoped.
  
  Randomly roaming the Lylat System looking for things to do,  they happen to stumble across the planet Kew…
  
  ***********************************************************************
  
  
  
  
  
  ************************************
  Date: Six years after the Anglar Invasion
  Location: The Great Fox II, in orbit of Kew
  Time: 2240 Hours
  ************************************
  
              There was a  light flickering in the rec room aboard the Great Fox II, and the various  canned laughter from old sitcoms echoed through the empty passageways. Falco  Lambardi was slouched on the large sofa in front of the ragged television set,  a can of Mountain Dew in one wing, and the TV remote in the other.
              Fox McCloud  passed by and happened to see his miserable-looking close friend wasting  himself away in front of the trashed set. The picture was noisy and the picture  tint changed from blue to purple to green sporadically.
              “Hey, ready  to land on Kew first thing tomorrow morning?” he asked.
             
              Falco answered  with a rather loud belch. He held up the aluminum can to Fox and said, “Hey,  Fox. Have you tried this stuff? I picked up some at Corneria last time we went  there. Wanna try it? It’s pretty tasty!”
              Fox cocked  his head at the green-colored can and shook his head. “Naw thanks. Hey, Falco,  are you just going to sit there and watch TV reruns all night?” Fox asked,  showing slight concern in his friend’s health. “I’m headed to bed. You turning  in soon?”
              “Falco  turned and faced the TV again. Ehhhhh… Maybe after this is over. Depends on  what is coming on next.”
                “Falco, you’re going to kill  yourself with the way you’ve been lazing the days away lately.”
              “Oh, shut  up,” Falco said angrily because he was missing a good part of his show. “I can  take care of myself. You ain’t my mother!”
              Fox  shrugged and left the rec room with a “Good night.”
  
  
  
  
  *****************************
  Date: The next morning
  Location: Gyn’dridda City, Kew
  Time: 0945 Hours
  *****************************
  
  Kew’s sun rose over the tops of the  trees, bringing its light to the primitive Gyn’dridda City. Already, its  streets were filled with the citizens going to and from their destinations.  Kursed emerged from one of the travellers’ lodges and peered into the busy  streets.
  A new contract in hand, she was  about to return to her ship to head over there. Apparently, she was supposed to  track down a thug who beat his wife and children and then fled from the planed  Aquas. Aqua was rather far from Kew, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle.
  Her form was heavily concealed;  hardly any skin was visible. She was dressed in heavy robes, with a cloak and  hood concealing any noticeable part of her body. She was well recognized as  scum of the Lylat System herself and she preferred not to bring any attention  to herself.
  As she made her way to the hidden  spot where she kept her ship, she saw two small objects in the sky not far from  her present location. As she examined them closer, they appeared to be two  personal spacecraft. She took interest to this, as not too many space-faring  beings travel to this planet. It’s too primitive.
  The two of them landed right in the  middle of town without any regard for the people staring at them as if the  ships were bright pink and the cockpits opened up. Kursed watched as two  figures climbed out of the spacecraft and landed on the ground, looking around  at their surroundings. Kursed stared at them for a bit. Something about them  seemed… familiar. Suddenly she gasped!
              “Fox!?” she  cried out, making the both of them jump. “Fox? Is that you?”
              “Who’s  that?” Fox asked, apparently looking for the source. Kursed stepped out and  approached them. “Fox, it’s been too long.”
              “What are  you talking about? I’ve never met you!” Fox replied, trying to back himself  away, Falco left, being of no help. He thought this was humorous and he wanted  the two of them to be left to do whatever.
              “Don’t you  remember me? It’s me! Krystal!” she removed her hood, letting her face be seen.
              Fox studied  her for a couple of minutes then a slight look of anger crossed over Fox’s  face. “Oh. It’s you. How has Star Wolf and Panther,”  he added, putting an emphasis of hatred on the name, “treated you?”
              “I-I left  them, Fox. They weren’t very good to me on account of that stupid mistake I  made a long time ago. They hated me; the population hated me for what I did.  I-I didn’t know what to do anymore. I hid, Fox. I hid and made myself secluded.  I want to correct my mistake, Fox. Please take me back! I still love you!”
              Fox looked  at her for a minute, and then shook his head. “I’m sorry, Krystal, but I have  given you your chance. You threw it away. You threw it right back at my face!  How much emotional trauma do you think I  went through? You think you had it bad? Maybe you should think about other  people and not just yourself for a change!” He then turned tail and left  Krystal standing alone on the street, tears forming in his eyes. It was hard to  say that, but she deserved it.
              Krystal  slumped to the ground, threw her hood back up, and cried bitterly. Having Fox,  the only one she truly loved, back in her arms was now a simple fantasy. She  would never see him again, and he was the only thing left that gave her purpose  in this life. Without him, she was a lifeless husk, mindlessly fulfilling  contracts as a bounty hunter.
              She stood  up and wandered away in a random direction. The only thing on her mind right  now was to run. It was the only thing she knew how to do. She found a hidden  spot between two buildings and cried bitterly, the only thing worth living for  in her life gone.
              “Hey, why  the hurry?” Falco wondered after Fox confronted him in the center of town,  wanting to leave.
              “I have my  reasons. Let’s just go quickly,” Fox responded, almost pushing Falco to their  two ships: the Arwing II and Sky Claw. They hopped into the cockpit and Falco  just sat there without initiating the startup process.
              “Hey,  Falco, what gives?” Fox asked.
              “I’m not  taking off until you tell me what is going on,” Falco responded, being  annoyingly stubborn.
              “Look, can  we just go if I tell you?” Falco’s responding nod told him the answer.
              “Okay… I  ran into Krystal not far into town. She wanted to come back to us, but I told  her no because of all the pain she caused us. I gave her her chance a long time  ago. I just want to leave so I don’t have to see her again.
              “Fox, just  snap out of it! We both know that you longed for this day, to get her back. You  thought it was just a fantasy day waiting some fifty years or more in the  future. Fox, that day is now, and you’re throwing it away. You need to get your  furry butt back down there and get her back. You may never have the same chance  again.”
              Fox looked  down at his Arwing’s console and sighed. “You’re right, Falco. I need to do  something. Thanks, buddy.”
  “No problem,” Falco said. “Go knock  her dead!”
  Filled with extra morale, Fox  hopped out of the Arwing II and took off back toward the spot where he met  Krystal. Not finding her there, he looked around town, confused. Eventually he  started to hear blood-curdling screaming. Fearing the worst because the  screaming sounded like Krystal’s, Fox rushed toward the source. There between  two buildings, his fears were confirmed. Krystal was on the ground, thrashing  about wildly.
  “Krystal! What’s wrong?” Fox  shouted, but she only continued to thrash and scream.
  “Krystal! Answer me!” Fox cried,  running over to her body and crouched over it. He tried to hold her down as if  that would help stop the thrashing, but that only made it worse. What was  peculiar about the screaming is that Fox could hear a trace of crying mixed  along with it, as if it was caused by sadness.
  “Krystal, I’m here. Tell me what’s  wrong?” Fox was relieved to hear that the screams were quieting down and her  mad thrashing slowed down a bit. What he didn’t expect was that her breathing  was slowing down and she appeared to be in the process of falling asleep… or  worse.
  She didn’t answer as she slipped  further and further into her apparent fatigued state. It was as if she couldn’t  hear Fox at all.
  “Krystal, are you…  dying? No! Don’t leave me! I’m sorry! I’m so  sorry!” When he looked down, she lay quite still, and never moved again. Fox  subsequently thrust out his chest and let out a terrible scream.
  Not long after that, Falco came  hurrying up. “What’s wrong? I heard- Oh my god! What happened?”
  Fox stared at Krystal’s body for a  few minutes in complete and utter silence.
  “Helllooooo?” Falco said, waving a  wing in front of Fox’s face. “Is anyone there?”
  Suddenly in one quick motion, Fox  drew out his blaster and leveled it at Falco’s head. He instantly backed away,  both wings up.
  “What are you doing, Fox? Put that  thing down!”
                “You did this to me, Falco!  You killed her! I’ll kill you!” Fox shouted, not quite himself anymore.
  “Dude, I did nothing! You did  nothing! You were in no way involved in her death!”
  “LIES! You made me go back! I had  to watch her die, and it’s all your fault! You will pay!”
  “Fox! Calm down! It’s nobody’s  fault!”
  Fox wouldn’t listen. He stood  there, blaster pointed at Falco with intent to kill.
  Falco’s eyes darted to the side  every now and then to find an escape route. Finally he took a chance and  suddenly darted to the side to try to escape.
  Before he caught himself, Fox fired  his blaster due to the sudden movement. He sent a bolt straight through Falco’s  head, killing him instantly.
  Seeing what he had done, Fox  dropped the blaster and fell to his knees as heard the city’s police force  close in around him, apparently responding to the sudden unrest. He was  instantly arrested due to the fact that there were two dead bodies and a blaster  lying on the ground right next to him.
  Fox wasn’t sentenced to death, but  he was sentenced to life in prison. Due to General Peppy’s recommendation to  keep his friend alive while at the same time punishing him, the judge saw that  it was a far greater punishment to live in the regret and shame of killing two  of your best friends rather than simply dying.
  Fox lived the rest of his days  cold, alone, and mentally broken down. Since the major shock of seeing his two  best friends die within minutes of each other he has been nearly completely  unresponsive to the world around him. He has never spoken a word to date and it  has been an effort by the prison guards to try to get him to eat.
  Fox died alone when his time came.  He used to be the great hero of the Lylat System as leader of Star Fox, but now  he was labeled as one of the most undeniably filthy scum of the galaxy.
  

  End

  
  

[Shadow Matrix]

I liked this story alot, despite the fact it had an ending of someone important dieing I still liked it.  The poem in the begining was EPIC lol.

[Sluggsnipa]

Hmmmm.

Needs more action.

Otherwise good

[Xortberg]

Hmmmm.

Needs more action.

Otherwise good

Actually, considering the focus of this fic was a mental breakdown, less action is perfectly fine.

As for the story itself, it could use a bit of work. I'm not too into poetry, so I can't offer much advice on it, but they story itself had some issues. First, I'll go ahead and get verb tense out of the way. Several times your voice was inconsistent, mixing past and present tense verbs into the same idea.

Some examples:

Due to General Peppy’s recommendation to  keep his friend alive while at the same time punishing him, the judge saw that  it was a far greater punishment to live in the regret and shame of killing two  of your best friends rather than simply dying.

...

He has never spoken a word to date and it  has been an effort by the prison guards to try to get him to eat.

Fox died alone when his time came.

Here near the end, within the span of a few sentences, you go from past tense to present, and then to past again. You might try rewording the sentences to make it all follow a uniform tense, since there were a few other inconsistencies scattered throughout the work.

Next comes pacing. If you want to write a fic about, as the name suggests, a descent into madness, you need to take it very slow. Perhaps Krystal watches the pair around town for a while, making absolutely sure Fox is who she thinks he is. She would then approach him hesitantly, remembering how he treated her before. Maybe she almost chickens out, but then decides to go through with it. She starts talking to him, not revealing herself outright in the hopes that he remembers her, but after it becomes apparent that he won't she then reveals it. After that, confrontation could occur. Fox tries to reconcile his hatred of her with all the fond memories, as well as the desire to return things to the way they used to be. Things might look good, building a bit of tension, until he finally tells her to politely go fuck herself.

Give it a day or two after that. Fox goes back to the hotel he and Falco are staying at, the two talk, Falco tries to convince Fox to go give her another chance and they sleep on it. In the meantime, Krystal is slowly going insane as the night wears on, and decides to kill herself. Fox, the next day, finds out where she's staying and then enters to find her dead. Cue either his slow descent into madness or sudden snap, and the rest of the story. Maybe include him, after killing Falco, running from the law for a time, getting captured because his mind is too unstable to stay in hiding for too long.

And that's just one possible route. In two paragraphs, I can't possibly put in enough detail to make a full story, but the plan is there, and in order to write something effectively following that plan, one would have to insert oodles of description and detail. By doing so, the story would become immersive and deep, making it better and more believable overall.

As far as grammar goes, you were relatively safe. Verb tense was your biggest offense, and I make tense mistakes myself all the time. There might have been a few minor errors I missed, but you were relatively okay there. Your big 'structure' problem was in the formatting. In a word processor like this one, where each line of text is placed directly on top of each other, it's best to avoid massive walls of unbroken text. Placing a single line between each paragraph makes it easier on the eyes to read, and makes it look prettier overall.

Now, I'm not trying to badmouth your story relentlessly or anything. The concept was a nice one, and especially with Samantha Weltzin's recent topic regarding mental disorders in SF characters, a mental breakdown in the cast of this game is very likely, making it all the more believable. You writing could just use some work. In any case, I'm looking forward to seeing where you go as a writer. Best of luck.

~Xort

[The Shaper]

One review spans many. Interesting information.

[Xortberg]

One review spans many. Interesting information.

Perhaps I am simply not braining well, but I can't quite understand what you're trying to say here  :lol:

[The Shaper]

Perhaps I am simply not braining well, but I can't quite understand what you're trying to say here 

Well if one person writes a review (as seen above) then more people come to rate it. Of course I kinda knew you were coming seeing as it's your new job to rate these now  :trollface:

[Xortberg]

Well if one person writes a review (as seen above) then more people come to rate it. Of course I kinda knew you were coming seeing as it's your new job to rate these now 

I see. And yeah, I've recently (re)become greatly interested in writing, so I naturally have to read and review.

[The Shaper]

I see. And yeah, I've recently (re)become greatly interested in writing, so I naturally have to read and review.

Good for you Xort, I don't write fanfics, I only use my powers for good.