Rogue Fox Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 A large Venom battleship cruised through space. Behind the ship a junkyard of shattered ships floated above the planet Fortuna. Kata watched as the ship floated by. His ears picked up a transmission from the ship... "This is warship X275 calling all remaining Venomian ships. We are heading to Sector X where we will regroup and try to retake the planet. Hopefully are bases are still intact and that Okinney has escaped. Either way, we will first take back Fortuna then the whole system!" "So, these guys are invaders," Kata mused. Turning to see thedestroyed fleet, he said, " By the looks of things, they're not any good." Kata then teleported into the battleship. He appeared right in the middle of the mess hall. He stood in the middle of at least fifty Venomian soldiers who after recovering from the shock drew their guns. Kata quickly put up an energy shield. "I guess these guys want to party", Kata said. He quickly teleported about the mess hall dodging laser flre. Then he systematically through teleporting and martial arts killed the soldiers. He then felt a laser burn into his right shoulder. He turned around to see a soldier with a weapon drawn and a smile of satisfaction. "You made me bleed," Kata said and fired a fox fire blast obliterating the soldier and the wall behind it. To be continued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakeWalker Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 If any of this is less than coherent, it's because I'm very, very tired. A large Venom battleship cruised through space. Behind the ship a junkyard of shattered ships floated above the planet Fortuna. Kata watched as the ship floated by. His ears picked up a transmission from the ship... "This is warship X275 calling all remaining Venomian ships. That's a lot of freaking ships. Find yourself a synonym or five. Also: not every sentence needs to be a new paragraph. Though, each of those sentences could probably be a paragraph if you actually put some thought into the setting and imagery. Give us some details. Show us what's going on, don't allow yourself to sink into the "This happened, then this happened" groove. It doesn't make for overly interesting reading. In fact, that's about all I can say for the whole thing. Your style is extremely choppy and overly narrational. There's absolutely nothing telling about what's going on in this setting, other than these few primary events which you have decided to tell us about. A good deal of what you've included isn't even that important, certainly not in the context of what comprises a main portion of this story. This needs a LOT of work. "You made me bleed," Kata said and fired a fox fire blast obliterating the soldier and the wall behind it. I wanted to point this one out though. Fox fire? WTF. You might want to establish this in the character beforehand. If you... Oh, excuse me. If they are going to have some sort of mystical bent, you might want to give us some hint of this before this sentence. It jumps out of left field as currently written, and doesn't fit into any Star Fox game I know. Also, if you didn't get my hint earlier, this reeks of Mary Sue. Your little overly dramatic quip isn't terribly charming either. It really sounds like you've been watching too much anime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Fox Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 yea, the ship thing could use some sprucing Vessel, Leviathanesque (sp?), and a whole bunch ohter words can discribe somthing massive, that flies throug space.... but this is just IMHO. Other than that, you have somthing good going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue Fox Posted May 2, 2006 Author Share Posted May 2, 2006 Part 2... Mean while in the control room, the captain stands in front of a large window overlooking space. Slowly the formation of Sector X begins to grow as the ship aproaches. Many thoughts race through tha captain's head as he stares out the window. His thoughts go from the conplete annihilation of the Venomian army by Star Fox and the Cornerian Defense, to feeling lucky that at least he is still alive, to a small glimmer of hope that he will regroup in Sector X and launch an attack that would retake Fortuna and hopefully turn the tide of war in favor of the Venomian army. Suddenly a private interrupts the captain's thoughts. "Sir. Something has happened in the mess hall." "What is it now," the captain said half startled and half annoyed that this private was about to tell him something that was probably not important at all. "Sir. I just walked past the mess hall and..." "And what private?" "And the soldiers.... they're all dead." "What!! How did this happen?" "I don't know. All I saw were at least fifty bodies lying about the hall. They all look like they were killed in melee combat. Yet they all were holding blasters when I saw them." "Listen to me carefully. I want you to go and get Medical to clean up the mess. Is that clear?" "Yes sir," said the private as he ran through the door. "Who could have killed all those soldiers in melee combat if they all had guns drawn?" He pushed a button on the control pannel marked "COM" and then selected on the Communications screen "All" To Be continued... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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