Shard: First Confrontation

[Rogue Fox]

Ok.

This is my series starring my character,Shard.

This story takes place during the Apariod invasion in Star Fox Assault on the level where Star Fox invades the Saragasso Space Zone.

The first section is just a Prologue showing the events leading up to the present.

If you want to just start on the action, skip to Part 1.

************************************************************* Prologue: Memories of two lives

*************************************************************

Shard lay on his bunk bed looking at the metal celing and contemplating on the events from the time he fled Cerenia until now.

His mind plays back the events of Cerenia self destructing and him having to give up the search for his best friend, Krystal, choosing to fly away from the planet just as it exploded. As he remembered this, tears falls from his eye as he thinks about the loss of his friends, his parents, and his best friend, Krystal.He wiped the tear off his face with the sleeve of his flight suit and continued playing back the memories.

He remembered how his ship got lost in an asteriod field. Just when his ship was about to be smashed against the rocks, they came, three red ships. Then a stern but understanding voice crackled over his intercom saying, "Follow us." He followed them to a huge base in the middle of the asteroid field.

Shard remembered how when they arrived at the space station the three pilots had a look of shock when they saw him climb out of the ship. It seemed they never seen a blue furred fox before.

Then he remembered blacking out and falling to the floor. He must have been more injured fromthe explosions on Cerenia than he thought.The last words he remembered was the wolf saying, "Take him to the medical bay."

Shard then sats up and glanced around the room. There is no one around. Only the hum of the lights and other machines could be heard.

Shard then lets his mind slip back to pieces of memories during the past few years.

He remembered when he woke up in the medical bay. His body was covered in bandages and an IV was in his right arm trying to replenish the lost blood. He was in pain, but at least he had a place to stay.

He remembered becoming family to the three whom he learned were named Wolf O'Donnel, Leon Polowski, and Panther Carusso of the Star Wolf gang. They helped repair his ship and even upgraded it with more powerful lasers. They trained Shard in martial arts, weapons practicing,and combat flying. At times it was grueling, but Shard was thankful of their friendship.

Over the years it seemed that they were hiding something from him. Something about him. They seemed to block their memories from him so he could not read their minds. What were they hiding? Was it something about Cerenia? Of Krystal? Of him?

Shard shrugged off these questions as just being paranoid. All these questions as far as he knew were answered. Cerenia was gone, his parents and Krystal dead, and he was the last Cerenian.

So Shard kept theses memories of his newfound family with the Star Wolf gang.

Yet deep in his mind his memories on Cerenia with his parents and Krystal remained.

*************************************************************

To be continued with Part 1: Friends or Enemies?

[TakeWalker]

Think about your plotting here. Currently, it's in the vein of, "Shard did this. And then he did this. And then he did this." It's repetitive to the point of boredom.

The material covered in this section isn't terribly interesting either. Okay, you've got another surviving Cerinian, and he knew Krystal. You could reveal this to us later on in the plot of the story, and start us off with some action or setting instead. This quiet, melancholy reflection frankly turns me off to the piece as a whole.

Try a few other words aside from 'remembered'.

Big point: you switch back and forth between past and present tense. I suggest sticking to past, it's usually best for this sort of story, and better for the amateur.

[Dark Fox]

Think about your plotting here. Currently, it's in the vein of, "Shard did this. And then he did this. And then he did this." It's repetitive to the point of boredom.

The material covered in this section isn't terribly interesting either. Okay, you've got another surviving Cerinian, and he knew Krystal. You could reveal this to us later on in the plot of the story, and start us off with some action or setting instead. This quiet, melancholy reflection frankly turns me off to the piece as a whole.

Try a few other words aside from 'remembered'.

Big point: you switch back and forth between past and present tense. I suggest sticking to past, it's usually best for this sort of story, and better for the amateur.

agreed, but....It dose have some relivance if it could be conved a tad differantliy. can't pin down a differant approach yet, hmmmmm

as far as tense, sitck with past it is FAR easier.

sounds like a good story, just got to iorn out the fine points.