Star Fox Riders

[Guest Victor]

Chapter 1:Enter the Phoenixlonia Rogues.

One day on Titania, sunny and warm in which the heat could boil a egg in just five seconds. The towns were busy with the bazaars and shops. It was a regular day for the people of Titania. Far awy from the towns, there was a gang of three birds. Victor D.Phoenix, a red phoenix bird with blue eyes, a green jumpsuit and a cocky attitude. Hurricane P. McStorm, a hulking grey phoenix bird with the muscle, he tends to stutter when emotioned, he wore a blue jumpsuit and had yellow eyes. The final member was Nami O. Goka, a purple female phoenix bird, with a bandana on her head and feathery ponytails . This group was a famous mercenary group that were called the Phoenixlonia Rogues. They rode all kinds of vehicles but their favorite method was the Airboard. Swift, light and powerful. What are these birds up to? Nobody knows, they were heading out for a mission on Dragon Dessert...

Hurricane: Hey, boss! What do we have to do?

Victor: He He! It's easy. All we have to do is rescue this Krystal fella. She must of crashed landed here. We rescue her and there.

Nami: Oh, why do I run out of air? I can't stand it. Maybe I should desing a board that never runs out of air.

Victor: Nami, your boards are just fine.

As the trio of birds head to the direction of the crash site. A Gora rises form the ground.

Victor: Oh! Sh.........

Hurricane: Sugar Honey Iced Tea!

Nami: You know what to do. Guys!

Hurrican and Victor nod.

[TakeWalker]

I go ultra-crit on this one. I'm just gonna italicize the original post, because I feel I'll be doing sentential analysis.

One day on Titania, sunny and warm in which the heat could boil a egg in just five seconds.

Number one, this is a fragment. I think you actually mean to end it in a comma and make it one with the next sentence.

Next, this is a really bad opening line. No lie. Mostly because the sort of day it is doesn't seem immediately important to the story at hand. Given your focus on the characters in the story, you may want to begin with them instead. It's not a bad idea to start large and bring your focus in smaller, but you don't seem to have the ability to do it well yet, so I suggest a simpler approach.

The towns were busy with the bazaars and shops. It was a regular day for the people of Titania. Far away from the towns, there was a gang of three birds.

Again, hook that first sentence to the previous one. You don't need the next sentence, as it just restates more obviously what you've already told us. The fact that you jump abruptly from the ordinariness of a day on Titania to a scene far removed from that is what leads me to my previous critique.

Victor D.Phoenix, a red phoenix bird with blue eyes, a green jumpsuit and a cocky attitude. Hurricane P. McStorm, a hulking grey phoenix bird with the muscle, he tends to stutter when emotioned, he wore a blue jumpsuit and had yellow eyes. The final member was Nami O. Goka, a purple female phoenix bird, with a bandana on her head and feathery ponytails .

First, keep track of your tenses. I underlined the errors. Second, the attitude and stuttering are things which you can bring out via the dialogue and interaction between character later. They aren't characteristics which we can 'view', as we can the various colors you mention here.

Second, doesn't the girl have any sort of personality? Or is she there just to look pretty?

Third, some corrections. We just call them 'phoenixes', not 'phoenix birds', unless you're inventing a new species. It should be 'emotional'. And rather than 'the muscle', say something like 'muscles', or just leave it out altogether, since you already say he's hulking. Muscularity can be inferred from that.

Fourth, go read some fiction. Pay special attention to how characters are introduced. This "name, description" shtick is very amateur, and I'm honestly getting tired of seeing it over and over again. If the details of their costumes or appearance are important, bring them out during the story. Don't just stop to give us a laundry list of what they look like.

This group was a famous mercenary group that were called the Phoenixlonia Rogues.

Again, let this come out in the story.

They rode all kinds of vehicles but their favorite method was the Airboard.

You seem to have a thing for airboards. My response is: who really cares? Show them riding various vehicles. Show their love for the airboard. This sentence, as it stands, is entirely superfluous, not to mention highly uninteresting.

Swift, light and powerful.

What is? This is what we call a 'dangling modifier'. Is this in reference to the airboards? To the Rogues themselves? What purpose does it serve? Certainly, it's a fragment as it stands. I suggest removal, especially if it's in reference to airboards.

What are these birds up to? Nobody knows, they were heading out for a mission on Dragon Dessert...

Mmm, I love a good Dragon Dessert after eating my unicorn! Desert.

The first line goes against the grain of what you've established so far. There has been no presence of a narrator, and there continues to be none. The narration so far has been omniscient and objective. Thus, if no one is there to wonder why these characters are there, or what they're doing, lose this part and just show us what they're up to.

Hurricane: Hey, boss! What do we have to do?

Victor: He he! It's easy. All we have to do is rescue this Krystal fella. She must have crashed landed here. We rescue her and there.

Nami: Oh, why do I run out of air? I can't stand it. Maybe I should design a board that never runs out of air.

Victor: Nami, your boards are just fine.

Oh my. No script format, bad! You were writing standard prose before, why the sudden break?

Second, 'fella' is meant only for males. Since Victor uses the word 'she', he obviously knows Krystal is female. I would suggest a word like 'person' instead.

"We rescue her and there." What? I'm absolutely not sure what you're trying to say here.

Running out of air? Yet another phrase I don't understand.

Anyway, this little dialogue does one thing: lays out the plot. More, it sort of hacks the plot up and scrapes it away. We've got a three-line explanation of what's going on, and then some unrelated whining. I get absolutely no sense of who these people are, despite what you mentioned about them earlier.

As the trio of birds head to the direction of the crash site. A Gora rises from the ground.

You can make this way more detailed. Something coming out of the ground ought to telegraph its presence, don't you think? There'd be some rumbling first, which they might not recognize. Or perhaps there's nothing, and they're surprised by the Gora.

Speaking of which, I have no idea what a Gora is. You should give us some description, through the eyes of your characters, as to what they're surprised by.

Victor: Oh! Sh.........

Hurricane: Sugar Honey Iced Tea!

Nami: You know what to do, guys!

You know, I really hate just giving edits away, but I somehow feel you might need the extra help. Three periods are sufficient to make an ellipsis.

You shouldn't capitalize all those words, even though I see what you're doing. In fact, I suggest taking that part out. Either have her say "Oh shit" or just the "Oh sh..." and then cut straight to the action. The sugar honey bit is just far too cutesy.

Hurrican and Victor nod.

You misspelled your own character's name. This line is completely unnecessary. If you want to give some sort of suspense, then just have them encounter the thing and go "Oh shit". Then boom, end of chapter.

I've got to say, I'm not terribly impressed by this. It's far too simplistic. However, I'd rather see you work on your actual writing medium before attempting to dish out any sort of detailed plot, so start there. Get the typos and misuses down to zero. Write this in a word processing program (Microsoft Word works), and then paste it here when you're ready to post.

[Black-Cat]

What caught me off guard was that Titania had, well, towns, I thoguth it was a planet that had a military base and nothing more. I always check over fics before I read them, and as soon as I saw the:

Victor: Oh! Sh.........

Hurricane: Sugar Honey Iced Tea!

Nami: You know what to do. Guys!

I didn't read anymore, and may I ask a question? Have you seent he movie Madagascar? By any chance? Just a question, because, wehn I first saw this I thoguth it was a Madagascar fanfiction not a StarFox one. Since Sugar Honey Iced Tea, was a line from that movie, I am just asking.

[TakeWalker]

Oh. I forgot to point out the obvious Mary-Sue. Since, y'know, reading people's names when they post isn't high on my priority list.

[Guest Victor]

Chapter 2: Introducing Extreme Race Gear

The Gora, a monster with four arms, the lower ones resemble hammers, the top ones were its hands, three fingers, no less. The arms were connected to its chest to protect its weak point, the heart. Nami constantly curses , becoming the resident trash talker. The Gora stares down with its horrible lizard like head. Its was ready to attack.

" You guys attack it. I'll go for our comrade." Victor said. His airboard was a Type-V, a trusty airboard that cannot fail. This little baby won every race in Lylat. Nami's was a Type-N, a fast one and could also be used to fly for a short time , the color of the Type-N was purple with blue. Finally the Type-H, a yellow airboard, built to knock obstacles out of the way. These boards were built by Nami. Nami has the role of Master Mechanic, her father was the mechanic for the previous generation of the Phoenixlonia Rogues. Victor speed boosts avoid the Gora's arms. Nami takes out a capsule form her pocket, presses the button and throws it to the air. The capsule explodes and a Cornerian Tyger Assault Rifle drops, Nami with her knowledge of boarding, hovers up on the air and catches the rifle. She then lands perfectly. Hurricane noticed that the boss was far away. Hurricane has been calling Victor "Boss" ever since they met as when they were just kids.

" Hurricane. Distract the beast so that I can shoot it in the eyes. Come on!" Nami yelled at him. Hurricane then brakes in front of the Gora, the Gora swings its hammerlike arms, Hurricane then accelerates moving in a zig zag pattern. Nami who was on her board, brings it to a complete stop and takes aim. The desert sands were getting in her eyes because Hurricane's movements, combined with the Gora's pounding made the sand fly into her range of fire. The distance Nami was perfect for a good shot.

" Come on! Come on!" Nami yelled. Nami then takes aim and fires. She hoped she got the Gora in the eye.

" RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!" The Gora yelled, one of its eyes was dead. Hurricane kept on moving. He then turns his head, noticing that the red plasma coming out of the rectangular exhaust port that was behind the board was running out of air.

" Noooo!!! Please, not here, anywhere but not here." Hurricane said as his board runned out of air. The Air Tank is empty. This kind of Gear needs air to fuel it up, when the Air Tank is empty the board is useless. Nami then goes to the direction of the Gora. The Gora was chasing Hurricane as Hurricane runned for his life. Nami speed boosts and takes aim at the Gora's eye, while traveling very fast, Hurricane runned as far as he could.

BANG!

The Gora was blind, it felt painful for the creature as it could not see. The Gora wandered running around like a blind idiot. Seconds later, it tripped with its own tail. The Gora was helpless now. It was just lying there on the ground, roaring and suffering.

Hurricane still kept running , he was going west to the Grand Phoenix, the ship in which the Rogues live. Nami went the same direction Victor took, wandering what could of happened to him.

[james mccloud]

...

This is a complete remake of SONIC RIDERS!!!

At least you could have made something up, instead of copying from another game!

Even if you did use this idea, there could have been better story elements. Extreme Gear is the same exact name that was used in SONIC RIDERS!

I dont mean to be rude but this story lacks any thought from the writer. you could have taken the game and smacked a starfox symbol on it and you would have this story.

EDIT: Raaaaaaaarrr.... Wow... SCARY!!!!

[Domino]

...

This is a complete remake of SONIC RIDERS!!!

At least you could have made something up, instead of copying from another game!

Even if you did use this idea, there could have been better story elements. Extreme Gear is the same exact name that was used in SONIC RIDERS!

I dont mean to be rude but this story lacks any thought from the writer. you could have taken the game and smacked a starfox symbol on it and you would have this story.

EDIT: Raaaaaaaarrr.... Wow... SCARY!!!!

If he tries to sell the story he will have problems....but if he just keeps it here and makes it Starfoxy and less Sonic....it might work...

[Black-Cat]

But, shouldn't he just make this a cross fanfiction witbh Sonic and StarFox, just so it makes more sense, and what is with the runned?

The word is ran!

[TakeWalker]

But, shouldn't he just make this a cross fanfiction witbh Sonic and StarFox, just so it makes more sense, and what is with the runned?

The word is ran!

Well, if he's copying the game plot, then it's still plagiaristic.

If he's copying game elements, it could be a crossover. Doesn't necessarily have to be, though it would behoove him to change names if it's not.

Kudos to Victor for actually using proper dialogue formatting.

[Black-Cat]

Wanna cookie? *Gives cookie*

[james mccloud]

Even so, RAaaaaarr?

I think thats too scary for a story! xD

anyways, in my opinion, the plot sounds almost exactly like sonic riders.

not sure though.

[Guest Victor]

Chapter 3: The Crystal Knife.

Victor was speeding up to the crash site. It was getting late. Arriving at the crash site, the pit was open, but no pilot. Victor noticed the Wolfen III with the symbol of the red rose. Victor knew this. Panther Caroso must be here.

" Stupid idiot. That pervert is here. Damn him to hell." Victor yelled. Victor then lands his board to the ground and the board sinks softly in the sand. Victor had to finish Panther. The scar Panther has on his eye was the scar of Victor's crystal knife. The hilt was of a regular knife, but the blade was made of a strong crystal that cannot be scratched by a regualar knife, a crystal knife could break his. Victor also carried a saber that had a blade of gold and other metals that made it undestructable, the name of the blade was " Hotike Kukati" Phoenixlonian meaning " Undestructable Saber." The knuckle guard was made of platinum. These two weapons hanged form his belt. Victor quickly unsheaths the blades and gets ready to attack. Krystal was running around the crash trying to escape the perverted feline.

" LEAVE ME ALONE!" Krystal yelled. Panther kept on chasing her around and around until he grabbed Krystal's tail, ignoring her complaints Panther was about to do something perverted when Krystal saw a phoenix running with a knife and saber. Panther then sees the phoenix and lets go.

" That stupid bird and his blades." Panther said as he runned to the direction of the phoenix, stops and makes a fist. The phoenix then keeps on running at Panther's direction, but his hands were now in attack position, Victor with one chance, throws the crystal knife at Panther's left hand, the blade stabs Panther in his left hand, as blood plasma dripped out. Panther removes the knife and throws it to the sands.

" DAMN YOU PHOENIX! DAMN YOU, HURRICANE AND NAMI! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS PAIN!!!" Panther yelled at him as he runs to his Wolfen. Victor then stops and see's Panther running to his Wolfen III , climbs and launches off. Panther's hand hurted like hell as he flew into space. Victor stared at the sky. He goes to the place where the knife was thrown, picks it up and puts his blades back into their scabbard. Krystal was amused of the phoenix skills with the knife.

[Black-Cat]

I don't get it, how did Panther just give up after that, how is Krsyatl there and I thoguth the Wolfen Crashed? This makes no sense oh and the word is

RAN!

[Guest Mithos Kionisu]

Attempted rape and swaring at the top of his lungs seems very out of character for Panther. Not defending her self seems very out of character for Krystal.

Atlest this chapter doesnt seem like it was ripped from sonic riders, attempted rape does not sound very sonicesq

[Guest Victor]

Chapter 4: First Time

Victor's N.G ( Nami Gizmo) was sounding. Victor takes it out and presses the touch screen with his index finger. It was a message from Hurricane. Victor then presses the touch screen and the message plays. It was voice message.

" B... Boss! SORRY! SORRY! Pirates, they looted our ship and took the loot and somethings but worse of all your treasure map of the system. I think they are headed to Planet Daiku. They must be after your great grandfather's treasure. Please forgive me. " The voice said as the message was over. Victor hated Space Pirates, those good for nothing theives who looted ships of their belongings, but now they were after the greatest treasure of all the " Phoenix Omega" said to be the greatest treasure of all. Power and wealth beyond dreams. Nami then comes on her board, looking for Victor. Krystal walks toward Victor, Victor turns around, looking at her in the eye.

" Thanks for saving me." Krystal said.

" No problem, you better keep way from Caroso because everybody knows what that jerk is up too. He is a pervert and womanizes when he feels like it." Victor said. Again the Nami Gizmo starts sounding. Victor knew it was Nami, telling him to get back to the Grand Phoenix. Victor's Type-V rises from the sand. Krystal was amazed by the board.

" You know how to board?" Victor asked Krystal.

" No." Krystal said.

" Its really easy if you don't lose your footing." Victor said. Victor again takes out a sphere form his pocket, throws it to the ground and it explodes, the smoke clears revealing to be a green airboard.

" Cool. Portable airboards, nice." Krystal said as she put her two feet on the hovering deck. Victor was already on his Type-V. The technology was so advanced, even more advanced than Venom's technology.

" Let's see your skills." Victor said, Nami always said that Victor was a addicted to speed. Victor lives for velocity. Krystal took a fast start as Victor was catching up to her. Krystal's skills were not bad. Victor was catching up to her. Victor was now at Krystal's left. Krystal was having a great time with the board. They were traveling at normal speed.

" Oh, not bad for a starter, I admit you do have skills for this sport. " This was a sign that Krystal did not know. She just earned Victor's respect.

" I have to admit that this is fun and fast, but isn't it a bit dangerous?" Krystal asked him. Victor told her that the tricks are dangerous if you don't learn to control your board, One mistake and it all ends or you lose your balance and speed. Far away form the two riders, Fox was waiting for Krystal, there was a new Arwing for her, his Arwing was next to hers. Krystal felt his presence. Victor was about to head west.

" Our paths split here. I hope we can do a real race." Victor told Krystal as he headed west with his Type-V.

" You bet." Krystal told Victor. Victor was far away. After meeting up with Fox, Krystal told him about her little race with Victor and also about airboarding. Fox never heard the name Victor D. Phoenix. But that didn't bother him for now. Minutes later, the two Arwings were heading to space toward the Great Fox.

[Guest ArcticFox]

ooooooooook...the story seems somewhat sonic like, but half i can see is completely made up (characters actions, Ect.) but still, if you can fix some stuff, it could work.. for one, the rogues, they seem EXACTLY copys of Storm, Wave, and Jet, just a little different body makeup, and different names. and are they the MAIN chars? whos the heros, and the baddies?

and you know how they speed boost? just a thought, but wouldnot it be cool if someone pulled out a huge particle cannon and comepletely blasted away the rival?

[ARWINGCOMMANDER 3987]

If he tries to sell the story he will have problems....but if he just keeps it here and makes it Starfoxy and less Sonic....it might work...

Ah! Touche!

[absoludicrous91]

I'd say something about the necropost here, but I'm actually really glad that this thread is now on the front page.

Why? This story is so awesome it is bringing tears to my eyes.