sjrathbun812 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 This is why I don't wright fanfics anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Ch.4 Falco: no i heard you talking to someone. Amber: i wasn't talking to anyone. do you SEE anyone here? no! Falco: then what were you doing in here? Amber: i took a shower, brushed my hair, and brushed my teeth, duh! Falco: whateva'! i snarl at Falco and walk away. i open the freezer and grab some microwavable waffles, then put them in the microwave for 1:30 and press start. i open the cabnet to get the syrup when i suddenly feel very weak and unsteady. i fall to the side and bash my head against the counter top and colaps. Falco: amber....AMBER! Falco runs to my aid only to find that my head was split open. He puts me down and quickly goes and gets the first aid and a pillow. He slides the pillow under my head and wraps my wound with a medical bandage. He runs int Fox's room and wakes him up by pouring ice water all over him. Fox: My GOD FALCO what is WRONG with you?! Falco: Amber's head is bleeding and she's unconcous. i dont know what happened but all i know is she needs medical attention. Fox: aww crap! Fox jumps out of bed and runs into the kitchen. He kneels down beside me to study my wounds and notices a puddle of blood leaking from the bottom of the pillow. Fox:she is losing to much blood, we need to get her to a hospital ASAP! Falco: right! ill get the arwing. they fly to the hospital as fast as they can and run inside.they get her into the ER and wait for the results. the doctor walks out from the double doors and has an upset expression on his face. Fox: well? how is she? find out in the next chapter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snipe Lombradi Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Suspence!!! :goodjob: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 ch.4 part 2 Doc.: she will be just fine but she needs to rest..... Fox: *sigh of relief* ok thats good. for a minuet there she had me worried. Doc.: yes but we found somthings that are very unusual about her.... Fox: like? *raises his brow* Doc.: well for starters she has wings..... Fox: umm its a long story, i'll tell you later.... Doc.: and well......we found out something else Fox: what do you mean? Doc.: we took a blood test and well...... Fox: go on...... doc.: she is the daughter of James McCloud.....she is your sister. Fox: *about falls over from shock* your kidding right?! tell me your kidding?! doc.: i am not kidding. she also seems to have amnesia from a fracture to her skull. we also found a type of poison inside of her so we got rid of that. and she seemed to have multiple gun shot wounds to the leg and stomach area. Fox: i see.......*still in total shock of having found that he had a sister* doc.: would you like to see her? fox: yeah... they walk down a long hallway into room 409 where amber was staying. Falco: hey, how ya doin' kiddo? amber: oh im just fantastic! *in sarcastic tone* Falco: what happened back there? amber: i dont know! one minuet i was makin waffles and the next im in the hospital! peppy: well were glad you're alive. Fox: peppy is there something you want to tell us all? peppy: what are you talk- fox: the doctor told me that amber.........was my sister! the team and even amber was shocked to hear that amber was fox's sister long lost sister. amber: im fox's......sister? Fox: do you have something to tell us, peppy? Peppy: ok fine.....here i'll tell you what happened. find out what happened in the next chapter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjrathbun812 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I actually think this is getting better...Nice job. It's nice that your splitting up the text so it isn't hard to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 thanks! im glad that you think so! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snipe Lombradi Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Babe this is amazing!Love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mellow Walrus Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 While several things bother me, such as the grammar and the decision to switch to script format. After I read what you had so far though, it was surprisingly better than what I expected. These are some decent first steps into writing, just like any other skill you need to make sure you get practice. If you keep writing up chapters at this rate, I'm sure you'll be fine in that regard. Soon you'll get better, trust me. I feel like my writing skill has grown twice as much in the past six months alone, I feel like gagging at some of my old posts from some roleplaying sites back then. Don't worry about it now, what I'm trying to say here is that through practice you'll be grinding the levels of writing skills in no time. I'd like to see you try returning to the writing format you used back in chapter three, using paragraphs and such rather than the scrip you've been recently using. I think that would help train your abilities to make descriptions better. On the subject of chapter three, it was great that you started dividing it into easily digestible paragraphs. It's also nice to see that you split the dialogue up as well. Back when I began, I made it a bad habit to have speech between multiple characters back to back. It's become one of the things that bug me the most when it's side by side like that, so I'm glad that you didn't fall into doing that. Though there's the soft critic part of me that makes it hard to nitpick on things, I'll still let it out there that I know you still have much to learn, but I'm not going to start cramming writing guides down your throat right yet. I'm merely 15 years old myself, and I think I've started writing fanfiction around 13 as well. With that said, I know you'll be capable of climbing up the literate ladder step by step. Even within two years, I still feel like scowling myself for wasting too many opportunities at writing daily. So long as you keep a steady pace of writing every once in a while, you'll gradually blossom into a competent author, possibly without even needing to crack open a literature book :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 While several things bother me, such as the grammar and the decision to switch to script format. After I read what you had so far though, it was surprisingly better than what I expected. These are some decent first steps into writing, just like any other skill you need to make sure you get practice. If you keep writing up chapters at this rate, I'm sure you'll be fine in that regard. Soon you'll get better, trust me. I feel like my writing skill has grown twice as much in the past six months alone, I feel like gagging at some of my old posts from some roleplaying sites back then. Don't worry about it now, what I'm trying to say here is that through practice you'll be grinding the levels of writing skills in no time. I'd like to see you try returning to the writing format you used back in chapter three, using paragraphs and such rather than the scrip you've been recently using. I think that would help train your abilities to make descriptions better. On the subject of chapter three, it was great that you started dividing it into easily digestible paragraphs. It's also nice to see that you split the dialogue up as well. Back when I began, I made it a bad habit to have speech between multiple characters back to back. It's become one of the things that bug me the most when it's side by side like that, so I'm glad that you didn't fall into doing that. Though there's the soft critic part of me that makes it hard to nitpick on things, I'll still let it out there that I know you still have much to learn, but I'm not going to start cramming writing guides down your throat right yet. I'm merely 15 years old myself, and I think I've started writing fanfiction around 13 as well. With that said, I know you'll be capable of climbing up the literate ladder step by step. Even within two years, I still feel like scowling myself for wasting too many opportunities at writing daily. So long as you keep a steady pace of writing every once in a while, you'll gradually blossom into a competent author, possibly without even needing to crack open a literature book thanks! im goin tp high school next year so yeah ill need to work on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Ch.4 part 2 Peppy: well you were only a pup at the time so you might not remember this moment well, anyway it was when you, James, and amber went to safari beach.....*flash back* Lil.Fox: sissy?! SIIIISSSSYYYY! Lil.Amber: what? Lil.Fox: daddy said not to go out that far! Lil.Amber: oh don't be such a baby fox! Lil.Fox: but- Lil.Amber: c'ya! Lil.Fox: NO AMBER! WAIT! Peppy: amber ran off and i dont know what hap- Fox: i do........she ran off to play by the rocks when i came after her. i soon lost her and ran back to tell my father what had happened.... Amber: here's what happened next....i saw a black figure.......and it looked like mom for some reason so i chased it..... Lil.amber: WAIT! MOMMY IS THA- Amber: i then slipped on some rocks and hit my head on a medium sized boulder. when i woke up i found myself in my "moms" house then it went on from there......... Falco: so you never remembered that incident until now? Amber: that is correct falco. the first pert that peppy told jogged my memory and it finally came back to me...... Fox: i can't remember anything after tha- Peppy: you tripped on a rock and hit your head. your father had taken you home and you never remembered amber until now.... Krystal: so this is concidered a reunion of brother and sister....right? Peppy: that is correct Krystal. Falco: well if theres a reunion there has to be a party! waddya' say fox? you up for it? Fox: hmmmmm.........sure! how about it amber? Amber: that would be awsome! peppy you ok with it? Peppy: why not? Amber: then its settled! well have the party on saturday! Fox and Falco: deal! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 um guys.....yeah i think i might have a different one you guys should read. its called "the Shooting star" and ill ask a mod to delete my other fanfics, including this one. srry for the inconvenience! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snipe Lombradi Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Okay.I still really like this one.But it's not my choice it's yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 thanks guys i hope you like the other one better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now