When life gets confusing!

[Thu'um]

So dues Ex is fantastic, props to icy for being most generous. I  really love the gloomy big city feel it kinda gives off, reminds me of 1984 or Tron or something. 

[Icy]

Yeah, discussing atmospheres in that other thread, I regrettably forgot to mention DXHR. Great atmosphere. It's just a really well-designed game, and everything works so well. I've replayed it twice, and am (or was) working on a third playthrough.

 

Glad you're enjoying it. Some other people I recommended it to didn't like it.. :

[Thu'um]

Yeah, discussing atmospheres in that other thread, I regrettably forgot to mention DXHR. Great atmosphere. It's just a really well-designed game, and everything works so well. I've replayed it twice, and am (or was) working on a third playthrough.

 

Glad you're enjoying it. Some other people I recommended it to didn't like it.. :

Ah, well i'll be honest it was   difficult to get into at first with rolling around and sneaking and all. It was just different from anything i had played. Not that i am having any problems with it now. 

 

 

So i've been growing closer to a group of people. And today i was sorta faced with a  decision with in myself( god that sounds dramatic). So they have a mentality different from my own. Basically for a moment i was given a choice to conform, or not as i don't want to go into details. And i didn't. Its not that i'll be an out cast, it wasn't even that major, but for a single glimpse i time i felt an opportunity to change who i was, it was strange. Anyway i need to reflect a little more on it and decide how i want to state it better.

[Thu'um]

Alright guys we been do for an update so here it comes. 

 

Despite knowing alot of girls at my school, i can't really say i'm interested in any of them for now....(now that, that is over)

 

My classes are going great, and right now i'm thinking of becoming a chemist. I really love the way chemistry all makes sense, and how it sets the rules for the natural world based on chemical properties. 

 

Crashing the SFO chat box was glorious. I specifically enjoyed our singing of the Song of angry men. And chanting for revolution. And then talking about my numb ass. 

 

I'm nearing 5000 posts here, and while i still have a long ways to go its only a matter of time. Sheesh, i can remember getting to 100. and 1000..... time really does fly. Somtimes its a little melancholy to look back on my early days here and to remember people who have moved on, and the person i was. I recall being really depressed, but it was sorta nice. I was growing as a person.

 

I feel i've really changed over the last 5 months, To you guys you may not be able to tell from the internet, but i'm a different person. I'm alot more prone to actually think about things and make educated decisions rather then pick a side blindly. Also i have begun to analyze things, like colors and sentence structure to understand how emotion response is created. I've fallen in love with the romantic poets, i period of literature i thought i'd never like. But at the same time I've moved farther away from redwall and starfox. War is a little more realistic to me, i pay more attention to the death it brings now then the glory. Though recently i have felt closer to martin. Simply because how honorably i have chosen to act at times rather then selfishly.

 

Dues Ex Human Revolution was amazing. The ending especially so. I've seen all 12, and while i feel darrow's is the best( revealing the truth to the people) other choices can seem good. Like the option to destroy the station. 

 

If i was ever to get a tattoo(which is 99% not to happen) i would get a ribbon that goes across my shoulder blades going " I Am That Is" 

 

Growing up feels strange. I'll be 17 soon....thats old. I was only 13 or 14 when i joined here.....What does the future hold in store? 

 

What is better? a society that enforces moral obedience, or one that expects it? I think the latter is a little to idealist. because some one will always think differently and shatter what is accepted. And then how would they be punished? it would eventually morph into the first   

 

And what is better? To live, but experiencing no sensations, or to not live at all? 

 

 

 

[CrypticQuery]

The amount of philosophy in that last post is staggering to say the least.

[Xortberg]

 

Crashing the SFO chat box was glorious. I specifically enjoyed our singing of the Song of angry men. And chanting for revolution. And then talking about my numb ass. 

That was indeed glorious. Especially when we talked about your numb ass.

 

I feel i've really changed over the last 5 months, To you guys you may not be able to tell from the internet, but i'm a different person. I'm alot more prone to actually think about things and make educated decisions rather then pick a side blindly. Also i have begun to analyze things, like colors and sentence structure to understand how emotion response is created. I've fallen in love with the romantic poets, i period of literature i thought i'd never like. But at the same time I've moved farther away from redwall and starfox. War is a little more realistic to me, i pay more attention to the death it brings now then the glory. Though recently i have felt closer to martin. Simply because how honorably i have chosen to act at times rather then selfishly.

I don't know about others, but I definitely remember when you were this barely legible little scrublet who always picked fights with Milky and others, no matter how often you got smacked down XD

 

Even back then, that alone was admirable. Now, you're an almost completely legible mofo who actually knows how to pick your battles and are just an all around cool guy. You definitely have changed, and I'm glad to see you maturing. I feel like a parent.

 

They grow up so fast ;_;

[Gestalt]

If your the mom, then I'm the deadbeat dad.

 

 

Growing up feels strange. I'll be 17 soon....thats old. I was only 13 or 14 when i joined here.....What does the future hold in store? 

 

Just don't let anxiety get the best of you. Make the most of your current age.

[Thu'um]

The amount of philosophy in that last post is staggering to say the least.

 

I got it from a short story. I haven;t found an answer yet. 

If your the mom, then I'm the deadbeat dad.

 

 

 

Just don't let anxiety get the best of you. Make the most of your current age.

 

You are already my dead beat dead. Also your right. I try to keep in mind the present is all that matters. It dictates the future and becomes the past. 

 

That was indeed glorious. Especially when we talked about your numb ass.

 

I don't know about others, but I definitely remember when you were this barely legible little scrublet who always picked fights with Milky and others, no matter how often you got smacked down XD

 

Even back then, that alone was admirable. Now, you're an almost completely legible mofo who actually knows how to pick your battles and are just an all around cool guy. You definitely have changed, and I'm glad to see you maturing. I feel like a parent.

 

They grow up so fast ;_;

Hehe....I'm a little ashamed of how i've acted when i actually look back at those topics, but before you say its alright, this was my first internet experience. I was new to it, and i was trying to explain complex things that i could form expression for so i just shot crap out, and my HORRIBLE spelling and grammar didn't help.( i still have to use spell check or i look mental). Also Those arguments were demanding. By that i mean i wasn't emotional intelligent enough to know what i felt about krystal, and even more importantly to convey it. Belive it or not i remember those debates well and they're a big part of the person i am today. You two, well three counting rob, were the first time logic had been really used to combat my feelings. Before what i felt was simply the way i believed things to be, with out personal question or insight. But it also lead my to resent logic a little. Not to where i reject facts like 1=1, but more so that i believe in the power of human nature and morality to be incomprehensible by logic, and that emotion is beyond explanation often times. That Logic is black and white in a grey world. 

 

Ah, my stubbornness! Yea, i don't think i really new when i was beat. I don't think i could really comprehend it. I believed i knew what was right so strongly and there wasn't a doubt in my mind, so how could i have given up? But those are some of my treasured memories. 

 

 

 

So today i woke up tired, not just sleepy but entirely sleep deprived. However, as i left the house i realized winter is gone here. The are had a warm moist feeling to it, and i heard birds( i spelled birds "beards" and lol'd hard) and insects. I've found my emotions are tied to the seasons, or at least winter. I was deppresed for a long time. It wasn't that i couldn't be happy during the season, but the cold winter sky and the chilly air just kinda sucked the happiness out of everything. I felt an unexplained simple and content happiness for the rest of the day. 

[Thu'um]

Weather here is wonderful, Warm with a cool breeze. I went kayaking today. I love kayaking, i always think of the shrews from red wall and how they sailed around in their long boats.  

 

I had an excellent weekend,game nights where a blast, got my home work done, my grandparents stopped by, mass was excellent, i have a lot to be thankful for. 

[Thu'um]

So a strange thought. Physics states that there are an Infinite amount. Of universes for every possible choice we make or event that happens. When ever we make a decision or a branching point there is a universe where all other possible out comes occur. What is strange is that we don't feel as though that is happening but rather that there is one stream , one path of time. What I find to be all the more estranging is the fact that the there are millions of me and all of you out there constantly branching into new universes, is the mom I had this morning. Really the same one I had yesterday? I'm not suggesting were sucked out of our realities and flung into others but rather that the are hundreds of these realities, countless actually very similar to our own, often with the same root and its only natural to assume only one could be the actual path.....while that not very open minded we all assume its the life we live because we've ended up here.

 

I am trying to make spaces between paragraphs but I'm on the iPad so if it fails ill correct it later.

 

Another conflict is good and evil, and more importantly beyond good and evil. Lately I've been struggling with the popular and well accepted concept that society creates and deems what is good, and what is evil. Meaning good an evil are little more then perception of moralities on large scales. While I've never assumed any human being  to be the wholly evil, or good for that matter, it feel like mortality and the goodness and decency exist beyond human perception and there for can't be claimed as creations of society and there for fickle, and non concrete. Lets state some things then that i may refer to

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

1: Society is composed of entirety the public

 

2: Society's norms are determined by the majority's opinions, members of society may disagree on subjects but 1 view is always held in majority compared to other views of the same topic

 

3:  Societies views are held by a majority, which constantly morphs, changes and differs from society to society. 

 

4:  Therefor society determines what is wrong and right

 

5: Society therefor creates and illusion known as morality  which is derived from individual desire to conform and succeed by societal standards    

 

By argument will be faith based, and therefor moot to our average user, but not incomprehensible. It is widely and uniformly agreed society began in the fertile crescent of Mesopotamia. From there to modern day society has dominated the human mind. Not that is hasn't changed, but rather that it is the manifisation of what a people or all peoples believe to be true. Those who claim there to be no right and wrong and society to be largely the creation of the human population then, also believe that of all time, and that good and evil are perceptive. But those whom believe in God's commandment and prophets accept a defined good and evil. To accept existence of this God, whom is always right therefor means his moralities are divine, correct, real beyond human comprehension at times and that there is a right and wrong, despite perspective or societal norms. Meaning societies may fabricate good and evil, but there is a divine consciousness whom knows right and wrong. However, to those who don't believe in a divine morality, and criticize society as flawed stand on what ground? Personal opinions and notions of justice, and good or evil? If society is truly perspective, and creates moralities that follow suit. Then any societal change that occurs from is also perspective and true good and true evil can't exist with out a god.               

[Thu'um]

So my last post was pretty heavy. I think some lighter material is in order. A love chemistry.

[Gestalt]

Too light.

[Thu'um]

Alright, palm sunday mass was long and nearly fatal as ussual, but when the priest got up to talk he said some great thing. I've been changing over the last few months. Some of my changes aren't deliberate, or things i would consider good, but they are improvements. Such as tolerance, and patience thing i didn't necessarily have before. I'm really digging my chemistry class. It all makes sense, for example, ever wonder why acids are so reactive? Well almost all consist of a Hydrogen and either another element, or a compound. So for example HF would be hydrofluric acid. Now when that comes into contact with, lets say iron. The property called re-activity comes into play which iron or Fe has a higher value then H, so it replaces it. Your biproduct is then Hydrogen and Iron fluoride. Now to us it seems as if the iron has dissolved, but matter can't be destroyed. It really has changed changed with its new chemical bond. But the reason acid is SO reactive is that hydrogen is easily replaced by almost all metals because of its low re-activity value. Fascinating .  

[Thu'um]

Well guys its been a little while but i was away from my pc for some time. Recently i've become rather pessimistic. I'm not sure why but i think it has to do with our reading of world war I poetry. Which is all about disillusionment and realism. not that its bad. But it is quite sad. But i'm really not finding happiness in a whole lot of things i use to right now. Also i got sick at my grandmother's house which was terrible. Not only was the sickness bad, but i was suppose to spend time with her since i hadn't seen her in a year and a half. She is also very weak at 85 years old, and a 40 diabetic the last thing she needed was to catch a cold. I'm in Atlanta now, in a neighbor hood i use to live in. Its nice to see the places we were familiar with. There is a calm, secure feeling knowing what is around the corner.

 

The idea that i'm a genius has been dispelled by own devices, now i'm sure some of you would consider it generous to even label me of average intelligence. And that's good and fine since I've probably given reason for you to, but that mentality, it enabled me or rather drove me to prove it by achieving greater standards. I wonder what effect this change will have.....

 

I heard a quote recently that happiness is only a moment before you need more happiness. But true happiness is a real subtle content. A peace that can only be obtained with the abandonment of desire.

 

Another one was this little be of dialogue,  " i don;t like your name, it sounds fake. Like you made it up." " well you're darn right i did. And why shouldn't i? A name a man gives himself is as true as a name given to him by some one else.". but i like it because it has a deeper meaning. That a man can deffine himself. A beautiful thought.

 

My years and a half boardum have really shown to me i need a cause to invest myself into. I've always had one. Well except for the past year and a half. And it starting to effect my psychological health. I'm like a crusader with out a cause and so I've adopted the crusades of others that i read about in novels. But at the same time i contract their developments. its like i live through their growth, and all the changes and challenges and failures have become my own.

 

This is one of our journals were you guys probably think i'm high again. (  not that i've ever been) but if it wasn't ever like that in my journal then my title wouldn't make sense now would it?      

[sjrathbun812]

My years and a half boardum--

 

That's, "boredom"... and I suppose you also should have said, "My years and a half OF boredom", at that.

 

Sorry, couldn't help but point that out. xD

[Thu'um]

So a couple of neat things. I was sick over all of spring break(which i guess wasn't neat), but my grandfather presented his purple heart from D-day to my dad and me.

Then my dad got home and opened up his chest full of junk to find his old combat knife, which he gave to me.

Ap euro is picking up pace. We take the exam on the 15th, and we're only is the 1930's. There are study sessions everyday after school and i plan to go to the major ones. Next year i'm actually planing on taking several AP courses. I'll probably shut down steam, all except for tf2 for sfo game nights. to some of you no doubt a weak with out gaming would be a death sentence. But i'm trying to detach myself. Already i've lost a lot of interest in it, problem is were would i use it in the coming years. I guess at college maybe. But i'd be a bad habit to have accesses to a computer where i could game instead of study would i start again after college? I dunno hopefully i'd be in the midst of my career, and after that maybe in my love life or Maybe even family life. I'm aware i can't count on that to happen, or for it to take up all my time. But to change plans for me life to fit in gaming to me is a failure of who i am. And eventually i'd hope to become independent on it.

[Gestalt]

I don't care where I end up in life. I will always have time for video games. And if there is no time for video games? I WILL MAKE TIME FOR VIDEO GAMES.

 

BTW, If you need someone to safegaurd your steam password while you run for president...I'm always here for a friend.

[Thu'um]

I don't care where I end up in life. I will always have time for video games. And if there is no time for video games? I WILL MAKE TIME FOR VIDEO GAMES.

 

BTW, If you need someone to safegaurd your steam password while you run for president...I'm always here for a friend.

I would allow that. I understand the you want there to always been time for video games, and believe i think they're fun. But what kills me is how at the end of the day they see the amount up to nothing....It could be argued that most entertainment is like that but there is something different that i can't put my finger on...

Learned about existentialism, or the belief that life, human endeavor, the universe is with out point. And its horribly depressing. Imagine that everything you do, everything exists simply because it does. This of course bread that pessimism we all find annoying. Where and individual claims everyhting to be be pointless anyway. But we also learned about an author by the name of camos or something of the sorts. He disagreed to an extent. He believed we made our own purpose. Read the myth of sisyphus. It is an essay where he observes a mortal who is punished to push a bolder to the top of a hill and then watch it roll back down and start again for all of eternity for disobedience to god. They believe it to be the worst of tortures because its pointless. No doubt the expected the typical human response of anguish. But instead he makes it his point to do it. It sounds hard to believe but he buys in to the program. He accepts that his action got him where he was, but more importantly if he was going to spend eternity doing something pointless no sense in being miserable. And that he'd be much better of accepting it. I immediately imagined myself in his place. Think about this: struggling for eternity. Makes death sound comfortable. No stopping for rests, and no accomplishing anything. But then i thought deeper, pushing the boulder would be the best part. I forgot to tell you it took him an hour to walk back to the bottom of the hill. At least when i was pushing the struggle the effort would distract me, give me a goal. But the wal back....knowing that when you got to the base you'd find a boulder there to push.....daunting....

[Thu'um]

I've been in my happy zone lately. I'll post later on why I think that is.

[Thu'um]

Damn i deleted my long as post so this is going to sound short and sloppy. I am happy because i'm ready happy thing again. I have a habit of taking up the struggle of the protagonist in novels. For instance when jean valjean debates with in himself weather it is better to be honest or lie to help some one i did the same. Although i think its almost the authors intent for us to think and respond that way.

[Thu'um]

I'm going to see the stars tonight. 

[Thu'um]

I had a a dream I was a pikachu going to a new. And things likes crab, sharks and lobsters tried to eat me and my class mates and for some reason we didn't have electricity

[Thu'um]

Mum gave me a hard time again. I fought with her last night over something dumb, and she woke up still upset with me. Today was an interesting combination of highs and lows. I also discovered Redwall on Netflix, and i begun watching it. Its easy to remember why i like Redwall so much. The characters are so warm and kind, despite being put in harsh situations, they remain vigilant and kind. It also reminds me of that side of myself. Then i found out a girl i had a minor crush on already had a boyfriend. It wasn't devastating, but still...it would have been nice to know that a month ago.   

[Thu'um]

So i have some stuff to catch up on. 

 

Yesterday, Monday, was our wrestling banquet which was long over due. I showed up to school in a shirt and tie. It wasn't by choice. I needed to stay after school for a study session , but I didn't have time to head home after that so I wore it. I'm glad I did. I got tons of compliments about how nice i looked and it really made my Monday. Even a cute girl in my drama class who usually didn't talk to me hung around with me. Although I hope it wasn't because of dress attire alone. The banquet was great, i love my wrestling team and I don't know if i posted it here but we had some great times! Once we stoped to get fuel and a kid grabbed a Capri sun and folded it into the shape of a cell phone. He then proceed to enter the gas station and talked on it as he browsed gum at the front corner, and then he finally made the remark to the lady at the register, " got any chargers? Cause i'm outa juice!". Hilarity ensued. That was only ONE of the things that happened. So we honored the seniors who i was sad to see leaving. And then i received to personal awards! Most promising sophomore, and the " Warrior Award" which was centered around displays of character, leadership, and skill. Yes, i am a productive member of society out side of SFO :3. 

 

We also were shown our banner for our team acheivment : First ever region champs from our school!

[Thu'um]

Despite was is seemingly a positive time, and it truly is i have much to be thankful for, I feel very troubled. I'm concerned, and about thing I don't care to mention here. But its been causing me to fight my parents a bit even though i know they only want whats best for me. And so in the spirit of improving myself I removed some people i have been long time friends with on steam that almost held me back. It wasn't their conduct that prohibited my progress but my own toward them. I wasn't able to mend it, so for the sake of myself i removed them and its taken some stress of me.