When life gets confusing!

[Thu'um]

First day of summer, was. Well boring. I bet find somthing to fill my life with. Fast.

[Hidi]

Go camping, play hockey, ride polar bears, sleep in an igloo, learn Newfoundese, go whale watching, and don't forget to vote Liberal or NDP on your way out.

[Thu'um]

Go camping, play hockey, ride polar bears, sleep in an igloo, learn Newfoundese, go whale watching, and don't forget to vote Liberal or NDP on your way out.

camping sounds cool, the rest if that stuff is soviet Canadian. And I will always vote monarchy party.

[psy_commando]

And I will always vote monarchy party.

I love the irony in that sentence ! XD

[Thu'um]

I've really gotten back into arby n' the chief which is great since it is such a great show.

 

Lately my internal conflict has been centered around on what I'd like to be. After speaking about it to my mother telling her i wanted to go to officers school, she may have changed my mind. It has its benefits, paid schooling, guaranteed job, and other benefits. My personal idea was to go to school and study chem. Go into the infantry for my 5 years, or weapons R&D with my degree. But my mother brought up something that took me back a little. She said i wasn't the type to kill, and at the end of the day I'd have to live with what ever i did, even if it was just developing the weapons of war. She might have a point. While i have no doubt i could, i don't think i could always justify it. Or ever just get to like it. my concern would be my cause. If i had been deployed to a conflict where I knew i wasn't necessarily defending freedoms or other people from danger I might very well be hesitant to do it. Chemistry is my favorite subject so far, but I'm not sure i want to go straight into that either as a lot of chem professions can be boring. I'd have to work on something significant to be able to fully invest in it.

[Thu'um]

Its been a full 11 days since my last post, but it feels like a life time.

 

Part of me is responding simply because I feel obligated to. This journal was constructed the help me vocalize my new emotions and understand them as they came. Other stuff got involved sure, but its main purpose was to help stabilize an emotional driven teen. I'd like to say its been successful. I look back often enough and vividly can remember some of what i felt, and the confusion, and I'm grateful for it. Being able to feel those things so strongly again, even if briefly is a gift. But more and more, i find myself with out need to post what I feel. I'd love to be able to claim an extraordinary level of emotional intelligence, but I'm hardly there. I am ;however, excellent at addressing my emotions. And everyday i wake up closer and closer to being that person we all want our selves to be, and thast motivating enough for me to do the same the next morning. But with my gained experience at addressing emotional conflict, I regrettably have found less and less use for this journal. Is this the end? I wouldn't say that. Merely an end to a chapter, and with all ends are beginnings. The next year and a half of this journal are going to be intimate exposing shamelessly my inner character and deepest thoughts, but also my greatest victories and most cherished memories. At the end of it, you may find the Ajc you know to be a mask, an image we all fabricate to hide the shadows of our souls. A figure who has been polished, and tidied and who is no more real then the heroes of the past, fashioned and angelic. But, if you follow along you'll meet the true ajc. Not defined by text, or bravado. An ajc defined truly and indiscriminately by the sincerity of his sins, and the the honestly of is inner thoughts.

[Hidi]

Try writing your emotions down by hand. Often, writing more personal things is better for getting them out.

[Thu'um]

Try writing your emotions down by hand. Often, writing more personal things is better for getting them out.

Well that was the point of this journal, the point of my last post was to start a new chapter in it. Probably more like the last half as there has been no separation up in till this point. But also i'm saying this last half will be uncensored, before i had posted what i wanted to share. And yes, it gave you all an idea of who I am. But i'd almost touch the posts up to cover up things i was ashamed of. No more, this doesn't mean i'll be posting things that are inappropriate, but there certainly will be darker things you i won't be as proud to share, but that's almost the point.

 

Yesterday I decided to take my dog out for a walk. My sisters were occupying the desktop which i needed to use to be able to work, and i needed to do something productive. Our normal route takes us right by the local pharmacy which is also and old style ice cream parlor, and stopped in front of it was the car of a girl I knew from school, and i figured she was inside. I put my head down and walked right past the place. I had developed a minor crush over her at the beginning of school, but i have always had trouble talking to girls like her. Not overly beautiful or anything, but the emotionally intelligent ones. I feel like when ever i talk to them the can see right into my eyes and just know. Then my poor eye contact lets them know even more i think...So i walked by it again on the way home and decided I'd eat lunch there and maybe try to get a brief conversation with her, I really wouldn't say i liked her, but feelings like that never really go away for people you feel them for. I convinced my sister to head down there with me and get a burger. We got to the front door and the car was still there, i got the door for my sister and we headed in and sat down at the counter...she wasn't there. I thought maybe she was at one of the other stores on the block, but it was no longer worth pursuing. 

 

Kind of a weird story, but its light, and easy to swallow. A good start.  

[Thu'um]

I'm a coward. No, no, I am. If you'd ask me i might deny it, but i'm offering you all this.

 

After pondering on what i should write for 3 days i found inspiration in a memory. The 8th grade was a big year for me. I was confident in myself, was popular at school, and believed i could do anything, as my heroes had, if i had enough will power. the 8th grade wall also my final opportunity to place at the state wrestling competition. And not to sound conceded; I had the opportunity. I had been practicing hard, traveling an hour and a half three days a week to practice with the best. My record must have been a 4:1 win ratio at the least. And two weeks before state i had gone into over time in a match with the person seeded at #2 in the state. The person at number 1 being a ringer. But it was fear that crippled me. It was the match that if i won, i would wreslte to be placed. Victory was closer then ever before. I couldn't see that. Inside of me a battle raged. I felt terrible, wrestling saps strength that could run miles in just minutes. I was hypoglycemic, but worst of all i was afraid. Afraid because people belived in me, Aunt, neighbors, friends and coaches all KNEW i had what it took to get there. My dad most of all had backed me up, driving me to every practice, and packing my lunch for every tournament. He still does today.....But my fear was not of man, but of failure. A realization had occured, and it only had chosen at the moment i least needed it too. "What if all i could give wasn't enough?", I was fearful that i'd give it everything i had, and loose only to see that i wasn't worthy. That even at my best fate should decide that I was not a state placer. I remember, so vividly that match. Its been shut away, i look back and wish i had changed my actions, but the only thing i ever pull from it is regret. To whom ever reads this, i know it was just a wrestling match. I don't expect you to understand the significance to it. But imagine everything you had worked for a year solid, and the hopes of everyone you knew, in front of you, manifested in a duel. And i was coward. I couldn't face it. I walked out on to that mat, and i lost. I took control of my fate because i was scared. I didn't try my hardest, because even if i had that didn't guarantee me anything. I lost because i thought i could look back and say, " He didn't beat me, i didn't try my hardest. Oh, if i had". When it was over, he shook my hand and embraced me, I'm still not sure weather it was empathetic. But i hugged him back and I went over to my father who was in my corner waiting for me and cried. I didn't understand right away what i had done. But its changed me. I'll NEVER be able to forgive myself for quieting and taking the easy way out. It hurts a lot just to think about it, but to give you and idea, i cried writing this. It was deeper then just loosing a wrestling match. I had abandoned and forsaken the very essence of who i was. Of my Martin and his fearlessness that no matter what the odds where you fought. But i had given in. I had run from the opportunity. 

 

I moved on, time heals all wounds. And my mother and father still loved me, i had a warm home, food, and good friends. But things like that. They don't disappear. It'll be part of who i am forever, but i'm confident to never let it happen again. I'm not afraid of failure anymore. I understand it now. Its part of success. Because what is success other then the result of repeated failure? And that means, that one day no matter what it is if you are persistent enough success isn't just achievable, it's eminent.                    

[Hidi]

Well I wish you good luck on your endeavors through this "uncensored" journal.

EDIT: Half the time I read your stuff, I want to write a response, but I can't think up one that feels adequate. You'll probably notice that in some of my posts here.

[Thu'um]

Well I wish you good luck on your endeavors through this "uncensored" journal.

EDIT: Half the time I read your stuff, I want to write a response, but I can't think up one that feels adequate. You'll probably notice that in some of my posts here.

Well, they're fairly long and a bit more complicated then, "feel better" or " good try" type experiences, and not all of them will be negative mind you.

[Thu'um]

Holy crap guys its been forever, but i'm not dead. And i DIDN'T forget about you guys. I'm sure my friends list noticed my pc was out of commission( and still is) but i also am going to an intensive wrestling camp at the citadel : a military college.

 

 

Its been hell. The first day we worked out really hard, push ups, sit ups, and pulls ups numbering in the hundreds. But even worse i had my eyelid split open and got cauliflower

 ear. Which in case you don't know the skin almost separates from the cartilage in your ear and it swells with blood can be permanent. What had happened was I walked over to see the trainer for my foot when one of the cadet wrestlers at the school called me a bitch for doing it. He rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling, so i asked him if there was something to see up there. He got pissed, fast. "WHAT THE F--- DID YOU SAY TO ME?" , so i repeated myself. he was huffing and puffing so I turned around and continued wrestling when he ripped the guy off of me and jumped on my back and cross faced me. An orthodox cross face hits you pretty hard across the nose with the intent of pushing your head a direction. He just did it to smash my face in. Sometimes i forget wrestlers are often bullies. The camp got better when the rest of my team showed up for the last 4 days. We partied pretty hard, got stuck on an elevator and got the numbers of some group of professional female fishers. I went to the doctor today to get my ear fixed. It had to be cut opened and drained, but was surprisingly painless. 

[sroberson]

Dude, like, Ajc...I show up finally and I didn't see you posting.  I was like "What kind of hell is this place?"

 

Just saying.

 

 

Also, I have to wonder if maybe the military ego ran to that dudes' head - though chances are I just am not remembering how much bullshit teenagers are usually full of.  Hope you got a good hit in on him though, just for good measure.  

[Thu'um]

Dude, like, Ajc...I show up finally and I didn't see you posting.  I was like "What kind of hell is this place?"

 

Just saying.

 

 

Also, I have to wonder if maybe the military ego ran to that dudes' head - though chances are I just am not remembering how much bullshit teenagers are usually full of.  Hope you got a good hit in on him though, just for good measure.  

Heh, an sfo with out ajc? hardly and sfo at all if you ask me.

 

But i think his ego was getting to him. A college wrestler, an instructor , and citadel cadet. And while he was a shit head, his team mates were all calm and compossed military personel. Very perfessional and kind.

[Thu'um]

An important part of any man is what he believes in, or what he doesn't. Despite my usual behavior on SFO and my crazy antics I would define myself as a logical or scientific person. I believe most always there is a reason for everything. But there are certain things I believe that are beyond science and logic. Human emotion, the soul, ethics, art, religion....I won't lie. I've always hoped there is a god. And after life so that at my death I become more then simply nothingness in the void. But I have always had a little trouble convincing myself. Faith is after all a leap. A placing of trust into something you have no ability to prove exists. But I have had what you call " religious experiences". Times where I've felt things beyond the comprehension of words. Once in particular, on the way home from first confession, it was my mother my two sister and I in the car. I was looking out the window when an indescribable joy, peace, warmth filled me. I tuned and looked at my mother and my sisters. We all had felt it I think. OR we had all felt something. But I was sure it was the holy spirit. I'd compare it to the tongues of flame over the disciples' heads. Despite this and several other experiences I've managed to doubt god's existence often enough, and I still do.

 

I'm aware of the religious situation of the majority of the members here,  but the question is have you ever had something stir your soul? Not just as a sad book does, or a hug from a loved one. 

 

One of my favorite feelings is when I see the stars in the open sky, and think about how I only occupy a single location, and how tiny and unimportant that it is. Strange as it may sound, its comforting. As a formally self centered person I often worried about my own life, my future, what happens to me. Its securing to know that however unsecure my fate is the world moves on and that the world isn't on my shoulders as I sometimes feel it to be.     

[Thu'um]

My birthday was the 24th, and I turned 17   I've never been one to say "oh i'm turning 13 that's so OLD!" but to be honest 17 feels significant, not in the way that I've acquired a huge age, but rather its woken my up that I am Getting older. Before I know it I'll move out and go to college.... But 17 is also significant in the fact that society will no longer treat me as a child despite that I do not see myself as an adult. People move out at 17, get jobs at 17, have kids at 17.....Those are all very significant and life altering choices I've some what become enabled to make.  

 

Another matter was my birthday directly. I've NEVER asked for a birthday party, besides a nice little family one, and I've been unable to ask for gifts from my family for the past 4 years just from lack of want. My family is all so incredibly busy all I ever want is for us to all stop what we're doing that one day and spend it together. This year was a little different, my mom had an interview the day after, my dad was working really hard and the friends I usually have come over I don't live near anymore...I felt incredibly lonely. I failed this year as a kid in a new town at making out of school relationships. I had buddies in all my classes but no one I really reached out to. I regret that. I know my parents really couldn't spare the day....but I was slightly hurt... 

[Gestalt]

Hey, I spent my seventieth in a parking lot, and I turned out just fine. Right?

 

As for what "people" (imagine the air quotes with me) do at 17...forget "people."  Work out your own, man. Now obviously new found responsibilities come with being older (ei: own car, gas, taxes, yada yadda), but they come gradually it's not really all at once. Don't forget your brain perceives your future self as an entirely different person. (Don't quote me here) And as a fun fact

Generation Y averaged out to leave home much later that 17. 

 

As with my experience with birthday partays...if you want a little more or a little less, just ask.  Here that SF-O? New annual holiday on July 24th. *<B|

[Thu'um]

Hey, I spent my seventieth in a parking lot, and I turned out just fine. Right?

 

As for what "people" (imagine the air quotes with me) do at 17...forget "people."  Work out your own, man. Now obviously new found responsibilities come with being older (ei: own car, gas, taxes, yada yadda), but they come gradually it's not really all at once. Don't forget your brain perceives your future self as an entirely different person. (Don't quote me here) And as a fun fact

Generation Y averaged out to leave home much later that 17. 

 

As with my experience with birthday partays...if you want a little more or a little less, just ask.  Here that SF-O? New annual holiday on July 24th. *<B|

thanks , been away for a little while but I wanted to respond and thank you. It means a lot.

 

 

Junior year approaches. I have a harder schedule then ever and the pressures of wrestling are starting to come back to me. My potential is great. Possibly state finalist great. But more importantly is pressure to do well in school. I'm taking multiple AP classes. That I just HAVE to do well in. What does that mean....we'll find out.  

[Thu'um]

The heroes of my childhood. The ones that really stand out for the most part die. They died valiantly defending those they loved, or he common good, something they felt the exchange their life worthy of. But as they flew to an almost inventible fate they were not afraid. Fear is the bodily expression of loose of control. However, fearlessness is the acceptance of the inevitable, that death should always find you. But they met it on their terms. My conflict with that cadet put to rest a worry I had about my own personal bravery. Maybe when the time comes for me to be brave. To stand up to something evil I will.

 

On another note, Arby 'n the chief, the final episode came out today. I remember seeing the first one years ago...I urge you to watch them, to try them. The early ones are little more the empt minded plots fueled by hilarious characters in situations, but rest assured it evolves. The end is breath taking. Its like a caged bird, a crime to keep caged up. Part of you is happy to see it go, but another part of you realizes with out it the place you are is just that more dark...

[Thu'um]

First day of school, and boy. Its been a long one. Especially since I went straight from spending my days gaming to work, work, work. I'm taking three ap classes, okay I know some of you are laughing at how easy it sounds, and others asking how its humanly possible. The thing with Ap classes, difficulty is determined by the specific class its self. Defend Ap computer science if you want, but it isn't as hard as AP US history. Regardless two of them are dramatically difficult and are putting quite a bit of first day stress on me. My best bet isn't to look at it all in the long term. Its to much to think about and seems impossible.

 

Pre-ordered Rome 2 total war, although I won't be surprised if half of you haven't heard the name of the first title. It is an RTS, but not of the same stock as star craft or even other historical games such as Age of Empires. It quite actually blows away other games. Unlike AOE Economics are controlled on the campaign map, by conquering land with resources or trading for it. Then battles take place separately when two opposing armies meet each other on the campaign map. Then the battle is taken down to that level where actual strategy must be utilized such as flanking or ambushing to defeat other forces. This is all IMO 100x better then the RTS where buildings are built in real time and it is all and all quite unrealistic. Which is why I place total war in a separate category of its own. If you are a fan, of TRUE historically accurate tactics and strategy as well as empire management total war is by far your best option.

[Gestalt]

thanks , been away for a little while but I wanted to respond and thank you. It means a lot.

 

 

No, thank you...its endearing to know my globules of text are helpful in anyway.

 

 

gaming to work, work, work

 

lucky bastid...more like work, work, work --> to --> work, work, and more work for me.

 The thing with Ap classes, difficulty is determined by the specific class its self.

 

In my experience it really depended on the teacher's style more so than the material.

[Thu'um]

 

 

 

lucky bastid...more like work, work, work --> to --> work, work, and more work for me.

 

In my experience it really depended on the teacher's style more so than the material.

I doubt its so much so, your in college and I hear things really slow down. Sure there are times that you stay up for nights studying, but most of the time you go to classes for a few hours then study. At least, that's what i'm told. You'll have to verify that with your own experiences.

 

 

And I disagree, Ap psych will always be easyer then Ap chem, Ap Us will always be harder then Lang. Ap Calc will always be harder then Ap stat. Teachers and your own talents matter too, but in terms of sheer work load and subject matter mass, I find the some to be harder then other because of they're very nature.  

[Gestalt]

Either way, my summer was shit sticks, but you are right-- school wise--once I get settled in here things will be much easier than the monotony of high school. 

 

I can get with you in regards to workload/subject matter mass on everything but US and Lang. Given I had an AP Lang teacher from hell (who was actually a part time college professor). People seriously lost there 4.0s from taking her class, and believe me it was not because we did not fully comprehend the material. Are you familiar with dok 1-4? AP Lang was like dok 5 bajillion my senior year. 

[Thu'um]

Wow, haven't posted since the 27th. That's a record of absence. Although it hasn't been do to abandonment, but rather do to lack of content. And in away that's a blessing; most of my posts concern some negative event. But nothing last forever.  

 

I went to a movie last night with some friends and had a good time. But when I woke up in the morning I felt really depressed. That feeling were you wonder if everything you're doing is futile. Like I just felt insignificant. I'm still not sure exactly why I developed it so spontaneously but I think it has to do with stress. I was mowing the lawn and I hit a lizard. I pulled back the lawn mower and he hand a large fatal cut. I didn't feel "sympathetic" but I didn't want to let him sit there and die either. So I did what I had to do and killed him. My actions still don't bother me. But I was affected by the way he was simply whisked from life, and that I too could die tomorrow and I would be forgotten tomorrow. I know my first fear was to vanish, as a child I didn't want to die and become nothing. So I wanted to accomplish something great and be remembered forever.  

 

When my grandfather died, I didn't cry. I think it was because I was ready. He had been in the hospital for a long while, it was a forgone conclusion. I still feel bad though. That maybe inside part of me didn't really care that much as a result. I can't explain but I feel like I was suppose to be sad. I was really young and its hard to understand complexities such as death, but I wanted to feel remorse that he was moving on and yet I couldn't.

 

My classes are going well. All A's so far except for pre-cal. But that's nothing anyone wants to hear about.

 

Whisked, tossed, tainted by steel,

He saw death my eyes ingest

With understanding not to make of me death's meal

He sought to free my soul, oppressed.

 

I departed then, but what remained?

Shall the sun rise with out me?

[Hidi]

Here's a song that I think could be a good response to your last post;

 

You haven't been around lately when I've been on Steam. We need to play TF2 or somethin'. (Why the hell am I saying TF2 when I don't have it installed on a working computer right now?!)