When life gets confusing!

[Thu'um]

Yea, I haven't taken any classes in philosophy. I was thinking on the way home from a run when I came up with that. I had read this book where this individual discovers her neighbor is a Nazi. the conflict arises in the fact that he committed horrible war crimes, but since it is the year 2013 he is now 97 years and for the last 30 years had been a virtuous citizen of the United States. Well the law demands he serve life in jail. But morally he wasn't a bad person despite his past.

 

First tournament was this weekend and I went 8-1, which is really good but not great. 9 matches is a lot and my body is so sore now I can hardly type and I have to use a cane to walk...I also got elbowed in the eye and I have a pretty nasty looking black eye. Kind of proud of how tough it makes me look though. I'm going to be in out town's Christmas parade, the whole wrestling team will be.    

[Hidi]

Buff wresting dude with black eye marching in parade: "Seems legit".

Happy with that summary of your post?

[StarFoxfan-FUR_ever]

I was gonna say.... 8-1 is really good Ajc. And so what if you took a few bumps along the way? "No pain, no gain" right?

 

And Hidi: What i think you meant to say was "Buff wresting dude with black eye, who also needs a cane to walk around at the moment, marching in parade: "Seems legit".

 

Maybe you didnt take any philosophy classes, but I can tell you like critically and analytically think Ajc. That's a good thing. Make sure you never stop using your mind.

[Hidi]

Come on, SFF, if you work your butt off to the point of wanting a cane to walk, then you're just crazy to even try to walk.

Better solution: stretching (And more stretching), heating pad, and hot bath.

[Thu'um]

Well another week-end of wrestling passed. I could go on a really long complex tangent about it and how it sometimes wish I could just quit and focus on my studies since I am currently writing a paper at 11:40 on Sunday night and I don't have enough time. Needless to say, or maybe not, I am excited for the prospects of college and not having to wrestle. As nerdy as it sounds, studying as a literal profession sounds like a paradise to me. But why have I developed this distaste for wrestling? I'm sure it'd be a lot more enjoyable if I had sufficient time, but beyond that it isn't a convention sport, or rather, it isn't a game. I'm not slandering foot ball players or soccer players or any other sport and its intensity, but few if any come close to wrestling. When you go out there it isn't "fun". The best part is actually getting it over with. Not to mention on my team I am expected to win. Only recently have I just decided to stop caring about doing it for others and its made it more enjoyable, if only a little.

 

The road is a novel we just finished in class, deep stuff. I won't go into spoilers, but the entire novel was strange because you are aware that ultimately they are doomed. The question of their demise is simply when death decides to take them. The angle was dark, but extremely interesting, especially when you consider our lives are more similar then we think. We are doomed to die. What made their realm so troubling is that there was nothing to come after them, life on the planet was at its end point.

 

That being said i intend to write something one day when i find a theme i deem significant enough the write about. In till then I'll just finish my paper and go to bed.  

[Thu'um]

Once again I've proven myself unable to post weekly, not that it was ever a goal. In truth I've been very preoccupied with my thoughts.

 

I hate to go back to talking about the romance, or lack there of, in my life. Mostly because most people who do that on the internet are losers and grievers who are attempting to be deep or poetic and maybe just want attention and pity. I'm avoiding painting that image for obvious reasons. This girl though. Its hard NOT to talk about her, that's how much she occupies my thoughts right now. First time I saw her I honestly wasn't interested. Not because she didn't look my type or anything, but I thought she was so pretty she had to have one of those super cool Abercrombie boyfriends who is 6,3 and some how manages to wear polo to school everyday. TL;DR? I thought/think she was way out of my league. But then she showed up at my book club, and needless to say that was a pleasant surprise. Since then we've been talking. Mostly about books, since it seems to be a common ground, but a few other things too. I've taken an interest in her since she seems to like me personally at least, and I know she is single now. Its been two years since I can say I've honestly had a crush on some one. Its pleasant. The warm feeling you get inside when you think of them, the stresses that make way for them in your mind. For a feeling that's done nothing but held my thoughts captive, its strangely releasing.  And while its probably nothing to many of you I went out of my way and asked her for her number, something I've never felt the need to do.

 

So what now? We've spoken a couple of months, we text....I'd like to ask her on a date. And that in its self is something I've never done. Either I haven't liked the person enough, or they didn't like me but I just never got to it. But I have arrived there. I'm on winter break so I won't see her in person for 2 weeks, but I'm not really eager to ask her out via text or PM either. I've considered waiting till school again but then time becomes a big issue. I think the time is now.

 

Another fear is that I'm getting my hopes up. I believe/ want to believe that she is interested too, but maybe she is just being friendly...I tell myself that'll regret it if I don't ask but I don't want to find out all this was just in my head.

 

When it all boils down, I know that I'm suppose to take a chance. And thinking logically I believe I have a good one. But there is always this shadow of doubt that I don't mean nearly as much to her as she does to me right now. That maybe when we talk, she is simply talking not flirting. When she sends me a message all those "hahas", lols, !'s and kind messages are simply measures of good will, not interest.

 

If anyone has anything really personal to say i'll answer PM's, or maybe you just want to talk more rapidly about this then through the forum medium. This should be the last post on this stuff for a while. I'm still ajc so I can't be showing my softy feelings around all the time.

[StarFoxfan-FUR_ever]

Another fear is that I'm getting my hopes up. I believe/ want to believe that she is interested too, but maybe she is just being friendly...I tell myself that'll regret it if I don't ask but I don't want to find out all this was just in my head.

 

Ajc, this is the worst feeling anyone can end up with. If you know you really want to make a move, don't wait any longer. It's a much worse feeling to think you lost a chance at this (or for that matter, anything in life where you let a chance slip by) than to feel upset because of a rejection. At the very least, by a rejection, you might learn something about yourself that can be improved in a social setting, or it might turn out she's actually as superficial as you originally thought of her. Of course, you should hope for the best though.

[Thu'um]

Well, here we are.

 

I was contrasting the nights of winter against the nights of summer. Summer nights, the moon feels much closer and the flora very open and welcome. The earth is really cool and soft. But the air, its sweet and aromatic. Almost intoxicating and sweaty.

 

The winter nights are cold and detached. The earth feels lifeless. The nights are much darker and less forgiving. The darkness is no longer a romantic cover, but a terrify abyss of shadow.

 

I wrote that up quickly, so its probably strange to read.

 

How is life? Can't complain, but I feel lonely....lonely enough to be driven to go and do something I might not normally do.   

[Hidi]

If you're so lonely, you need to get your phone and find the ladies.

[StarFoxfan-FUR_ever]

Hidi....I think the idea here is to try to not sound like some creepy perv, am I right?

 

Whenever you are ready Ajc, just remember that. You don't want to come off as nervous, women love confident men.

[Gestalt]

How is life? Can't complain, but I feel lonely....lonely enough to be driven to go and do something I might not normally do.

I have plenty STD's to spare

[Thu'um]

Anyway I think that was interpreted wrong.

 

Only a week later from that post and I feel like a totally different person. I just got back from a wrestling tournament that I got first at so that was nice. Other "things" are going well

 

Boss fight of a final coming up. I only have one life though.

[Thu'um]

Alright time for a more complete post since I'm awake.

 

Firstly we're talking a lot, now that that's out of the way. I'm writing a narrative for class. Its suppose to contain flashes from 6 of my grades. So basically six paragraphs one from each grade and they are suppose to be similar in theme. Mine has to do more about dealing with mortality. I've been very scared of dying ever since I was a kid. But not for the reason of pain, I'm afraid of disappearing. Which we actually discussed in this journal a little while back. Anyway I plan to post that as soon as its done.

 

Hear are some wrestling mementos I'm posting here to remember but hopefully entertain too.

 

Once we got to a hotel and the only room left was the honey moon suite, So we put like 5 guys in there and it had a hot tub and romantic candles.  

 

We have a kid who talks in his sleep a lot, once he muttered something pretty creepy but also funny " they got them, all four hundred of them!, We're all....we're all just under miners" lol

 

If you've ever heard Nicki Minaj she has this song called Bee's in the trap or something. One kid was listening to it and right before his match said, " all right guys i'mma trap some bees, but I don't want my bees in his trap" Now its something we all shout to confuse other teams lol, " Yeah! put his bees in the trap!"

 

We snuck onto our rival schools bus, we're actually really cool with them so we knew we wouldn't get arrested, and when their team got on we jumped out and freaked them out. Then we made a plan for both teams to wait on the bus for their coach and scare him. It was a good time.

[Hidi]

Hidi....I think the idea here is to try to not sound like some creepy perv, am I right?

 

Whenever you are ready Ajc, just remember that. You don't want to come off as nervous, women love confident men.

Do you know how many times this guy pokes me on Steam about his ladies?

 

We snuck onto our rival schools bus, we're actually really cool with them so we knew we wouldn't get arrested, and when their team got on we jumped out and freaked them out. Then we made a plan for both teams to wait on the bus for their coach and scare him. It was a good time.

Why just acquaint with a rival team when you can befriend them?

[Robert Monroe]

Hey AJC, s'been a while!

 

How's things m8?

[Thu'um]

Things have been back and forth lately. A good moment, maybe I made a good grade, and then a bad one follows, maybe I fought with my parents. Despite they instability of it all I do like all the feelings. I mean I don't enjoy them all, sadness, depression, failure never feel good. It is ;however, good to be reminded that they're their there.

 

That being said, it'll largely be done with in the next 4 days and it be completely wrapped up with all this junk by the second week of February. I just don't believe it, not while I'm in the midst of it. But I hope to take advantage of it some what and find the opportunity to write about how I feel, something that hard to do when I only feel good as I usually do.    

 

*sigh* I didn't like the catcher in the rye, but I connected well to the theme of regret in growing into and adult. Mostly I miss the innocence. A straight forward world were I saw good and evil clearly. Some what related has been my dying appreciation for Redwall. I suppose we all move on but I feel the nostalgic longing to day dream about it as I use to.

 

I really am not the type of person to ask this, but I'll try it because I believe in you guys. Most of you aren't to religious in nature, but if you don't want to pray just think about me. Faggot sounding was always my first reaction in the people who ask this, but mostly I think they want to feel and know people care for them. I could use to be reminded of that now.  

[Thu'um]

Super long post, but this was a paper i wrote for English i'd like to place here. That being said, its related. I basically had to look back through a few years of life and pick out a theme. I choose dealing with mortality.

 

 

First Grade

 

I was sitting at the base of the couch in our family’s living room; sitting above me was the rest of my family who had claimed the couch before I had entered the room. The movie had immediately captured my attention. A fleet of ships, gleaming swords, clashing armies, essentially everything that a standard 6 year old thinks about; however, I took something from it to heart. When Hector had asked Achilles why he had come to Troy he responded, “They’ll be talking about this war for a thousand years.†And when Hector challenged it, “In a thousand years even the dust from our bones will be gone†Achilles announced, “Yes prince. But our names will remain.†I rested my head and gazed at my hands, worrying, would anyone remember my name?

 

Fifth Grade

 

I had been going to church as long as I could remember, even longer actually since my mother had always taken me. However, there is a significant difference between hearing and listening. Church had always been to me a chore, a drill almost. Wake up, dress, and get into the car before the sun had risen over the horizon. It wasn’t in till I had a religious experience that I came to begin believing what I had been listening to. During the car ride home from confession, I felt my heart become weightless and for a few moments I experienced happiness devoid of the earthly worries any fifth grader might have.
I turned to my mom in the driver’s seat, “did you-,â€
“Yes,†she said. “I did.†I sat my head back down on the passenger door and looked up at the sky. I didn’t just began believe, I began to hope there was a God who would remember my name, and could promise eternity.

 

Sixth grade
 

I really had been indifferent to the middle school I’d attend. When I had raffled into the charter school with an esteemed academic background my parents opted to send me there. The building itself had been an old meat locker and so the classrooms had no windows. Most were disgusted; I thought it’d make a great story one day when I looked back. Even odder was the staff being almost entirely Turkish.

  It functioned just fine aside from the occasional linguistic disconnect. On one occasion, a friend my friend freaked out over the teacher giving him a warning and yelled, “Dude, common!â€
It was nothing less than brilliant when the teacher stood up and said with his accent, “No! I am not your dude!â€
Alexander the Great’s empire had expanded across several distinct cultures. Learning to manage across the barrier of language was just one of his many successes. In my imagination what more was I but another Alexander in another time?   

 

Seventh Grade

 

The chair shifted backwards as I sat my weight down in it. I was sitting down from the speech had I given in front of my biology class/home room as to why I should be our student representative. The folded piece of paper I had written my speech on moments before made a perfect arc as it landed in the trashcan. The other kid was now at the front of the room about to begin.
His hands shook as he glanced down at his notes, “I should be our student representative because…†I hadn’t been nervous, but I also didn’t care whether or not I won. My mom suggesting that I run only cemented my determination to campaign against the other boy. He was smart or studious, rather. For some reason or another, he made me angry. I’m sure that at the root of his desire of student office, his stellar grades, and his scholastic accomplishments was a mother who had big dreams and expectations. My chest grew warm; I was going to show him that if he wasn’t doing it for himself, for the passion of it, it wasn’t worth doing at all.
He sat down. The class was small and tallying the votes amounted to a thirty-second period of my foreign teacher adding up the twenty votes. The teacher floated back to her desk and announced the winner. Sixteen to four, I had won decisively, but not unexpectedly. No one likes a try hard.
The girl behind my tapped my shoulder, “Good job, you could be the president.†I took a deep breath, her honesty contrasted with the pride in my victory and for a brief second I felt guilt.
Then I looked back down at my hands, and back into her eyes, “Yeah, maybe your right.â€

 

Ninth grade 

 

It was the middle of December; I turned the corner of the long hallway that lead to our high school’s cafeteria. Instantly I could hear the chatter of a thousand high school students.  Half the room was entirely glass and it gave the room a large open feeling. The sun light shown down on the path that lead me to the freshman side of the cafeteria.
A figure rose from a table 20 feet from myself, “Brick†he shouted. I turned, immediately recognizing the nickname the wrestling team had given me. It was born from the mouth of a teammate, who had been surprised to find out that I would be joining him as one of the student athletes who had made honor role, since he thought I had the intelligence of a brick.
I nodded to let him know I had heard him. Another wrestler at the table I now passed stood up and pointed me out to his table announcing, “Dats dat wrestling beast!†I chuckled and finally made it to my table where I sat down to a friend I had known since the second grade.
The girl across from me smiled as I unpacked my lunch from its bag, “Popular today huh?†I nodded but hid my smirk. Acting humble usually only resulted in more praise. I pulled out my sandwich and thought about myself. Most kids resorted to drugs or alcohol to feel comfortable and fit in, I had pride.

 

Tenth Grade

 

I walked into the wrestling room and immediately relaxed. The familiar smell of the elastic mats quelled the nervousness that had inhabited my stomach during my classes, I felt at home. I sat down in my shorts and began untying my shoes.
The truth was that, since my move from Atlanta to Charleston, I hadn’t felt like the same person. Dogs will forget their names if you don’t use them, I was worried the same would happen to me. I thought back through my day and counted on two hands the amount of conversation that I had. 
Slowly the team began to collect in the room and within ten minutes Coach himself had entered. His whistle blew and we were up and running. The circular room made it easy to lose yourself into a rhythmic jog and I continued to think about my day. Coach Schneider waved me over, his large grin a permanent feature.  
“How was your day Alex; are you getting to know the team?†I didn’t want him know he had read my mind. 
“It was a pretty good day,†I said nodding. “And yeah, the team seems like a bunch of cool guys.†I spoke with a straight face. I had only talked to three or four of them.
“Alright†he replied nodding back, his smile evaporated. “I know Wando is huge and can be hard to break into, if you need anything just ask me okay?†
Thirty minutes later we were into the heat of practice. Some said it was only a few                  minutes, but I had no perception of how long I had been out. My partner had flipped me over his back with the result being the two of us landing full force on my skull. 
Rather than become terribly concerned and run for the nurse, I laughed. I laughed hard. After a few minutes of rolling around of the mat, I decided to sit up and I penetrated the circle of befuddled wrestlers. Still feeling the eyes of a confused team, I closed the door to the wrestling room and headed for the water fountain oddly pleased. A smile crossed my lips as I bent down and drank the water. Happiness in my life had been centered on success and pride. In reality my black out hadn’t be dangerous but it did reminded me of the value of life in itself. In good health, well fed, and young, I couldn’t find a reason to be less than happy. The rest would come I told myself.

[Robert Monroe]

AJC, as much of a putz you can be to me... I've really seen you grow up for the past 4 years from a young silly kid who loved Redwall and Christian history to a pretty thoughtful guy. We disagree a lot, but I know and have shared your pain of growing up.

 

Embrace your pains, for they make your joys sweeter. Keep your nostalgia close, they warm your heart for a reason and should never be neglected. 

 

I'll pray for you all you want m8.

[Thu'um]

Not to justify my behavior during my early years but I always had the capacity to think critically or deeply...But the problem was expression. This topic was named quite aptly for the reason I felt things I lacked the words then to explain. In some ways I still do, but maturity helps a lot.

 

Just skipped the rest of school after completing my math exam. With the end of semester 1 i'll find a lot of free time. Hopefully I'll find a way to manage it wisely and spend it with a special some one... 

 

Quick note, my avatar is a classic painting form the romantic era, not romantic as in love, but romantic as in valuing human intuition, emotion, and mystery. I really like it.

[Thu'um]

So I've finally contracted an answer, "yes"

 

 

note to reader, this means what you think it means.

[Thu'um]

So she said yes to coffee Monday.

 

The wrestling team and I got third behind the top 2 teams in the state, not bad. We had a lot of fun.  

[Thu'um]

Damn, Damn, Damn, damn. I've been avoiding journaling, this time its not out of laziness. Over the last week i've been playing through morrowind pretty hard and i've developed an almost obssession with the parrelles between lord Vivec and myself. Its all been very strange and i don't know what to make of it. 

 

I was rain checked on my date, It suppose to happen tomorrow. If it doesn't go through, don't expect a jounral entry for some time.

[Thu'um]

So we won reigon, the wrestling team and I. The match against the final team went swimingly with a victory of 79 - 0 an almost perfect shut out. We went out to dinner at Ihop after to celebrate. Unfortunatly our team is half seinors and i'm gonna miss these guys i've come to really consider them as brothers. 

 

So Sophie postponed our meeting a few times. I understand she is busy, but after 3 or 4 times i began to think she was just said yes to be kind and really didn't want to go. I'd rather have had her say no they act like she honeslty wanted to go. So i reminded her that if i was bothering her that she should tell me no rather then try to pick another day. But she insisted that we still try, a good sign. Yet every attempt somthing always comes up, and this last time i didn't  get a message.  So maybe she misplaced her phone, or maybe she is annoyed by me and is ignoring me. Either way I sent her a message tonight were i politely said i'd stop trying to arrange things and if she is still interested that she when she had a free day text me. 

 

I've said this before but i love the Night Time Sky. I love seeing the city across the harbor and the cars that drive along the bridge. It makes me feel very distant from that type of life. The life we all live. Filled with busy tasks the cloud our concious, that feeling there is always somthing to do. As i observe from afar i feel releaved of it all. In that is the melancholy truth that i'm really not all that important to the grand scheme of things. That comes with humble pleasentry that weather or not i fail that test, or loose that wrestling match this will all continue on and that no matter how severe it really isn't the end of the world. And as i sat on my hill side alone i also realized that despite my unimportance that no one else could be on the same hill, thinking my same thoughts at the same time. And so despite my unimportance in the world, I belong. 

[Redeemer]

So we won reigon, the wrestling team and I. The match against the final team went swimingly with a victory of 79 - 0 an almost perfect shut out. We went out to dinner at Ihop after to celebrate. Unfortunatly our team is half seinors and i'm gonna miss these guys i've come to really consider them as brothers. 

 

So Sophie postponed our meeting a few times. I understand she is busy, but after 3 or 4 times i began to think she was just said yes to be kind and really didn't want to go. I'd rather have had her say no they act like she honeslty wanted to go. So i reminded her that if i was bothering her that she should tell me no rather then try to pick another day. But she insisted that we still try, a good sign. Yet every attempt somthing always comes up, and this last time i didn't  get a message.  So maybe she misplaced her phone, or maybe she is annoyed by me and is ignoring me. Either way I sent her a message tonight were i politely said i'd stop trying to arrange things and if she is still interested that she when she had a free day text me. 

 

I've said this before but i love the Night Time Sky. I love seeing the city across the harbor and the cars that drive along the bridge. It makes me feel very distant from that type of life. The life we all live. Filled with busy tasks the cloud our concious, that feeling there is always somthing to do. As i observe from afar i feel releaved of it all. In that is the melancholy truth that i'm really not all that important to the grand scheme of things. That comes with humble pleasentry that weather or not i fail that test, or loose that wrestling match this will all continue on and that no matter how severe it really isn't the end of the world. And as i sat on my hill side alone i also realized that despite my unimportance that no one else could be on the same hill, thinking my same thoughts at the same time. And so despite my unimportance in the world, I belong. 

 

Firstly, congratulations on the win! Good job!

 

Secondly, you're being a gentleman with Sophie. If she keeps postponing things, then frankly that's a bit rude although accidental, and she should contact you when she's free. Never make an appointment or date you're not 100% certain you can't keep. She'll probably get in touch, I got the impression she was quite into you, so just let her contact you when she has a free day. She might get too embarrassed if she keeps rearranging things, seems like a person like her with such a busy schedule requires the freedom to arrange things like this. Chin up.

 

The night sky is wonderful isn't it? It's nice to just let your spirit leave your body once in a while, and looking at the sky does that for me.

[Thu'um]

Its funny that you replied just as I was going to post again. Thank you, getting responses always seems to encourage me.

 

I'm sure that I've be nothing but polite. I'm simply worried that I've become a little bit of an annoyance to her, and quite honestly I'd rather her come out and tell me "no" if she is truly not interested rather then continuing  to linger. I understand ;however, that not everyone is as forward with their feelings, or lack there of, as I am. Your right then Redeemer. If she is truly busy and honestly does want to see me she might be afraid of saying no and thinking I'll move on. Which is why I left my message sort of open ended. It allows me to stop sending message about this day or that day, and it also puts the ball in her court. I'm just hoping that the silence isn't her banging her head on the desk wishing I didn't like her. Or that its not her inability to say no. Because as painful as it is to hear to someone who you feel like is of great importance to you say that you are just a normal person in their own eyes, it harder to sit here and teeter on this hope that she might have feelings for me and continue on with out knowing.

 

Which leads me to another truth I've discovered in this. Its one we all know, we've all probably felt but I don't hear a lot. The reason we're afraid to pursue these people we are interested in is because we're afraid that special feeling we have for them isn't mutual. It feels safer to sit and do nothing and hide our feelings. It allows us to continue to believe that they too might feel the same way about us. With an emotion that strong its hard from our point of view to believe they couldn't right? But reality is only perception. Its an almost romantic irony about how strongly one can occupy our thoughts, while we don't even grace their own.