Loud, Dumb, and Out Of Control.

[Vy'drach]

This is an article from a game magazine that's a couple of years old, but it still rings true.

Dismissive attitudes and dangerous assumptions make non-gamers as destructive to our hobby as a clueless chimp with a chainsaw. Here's 23 of our pet peeves about ignorance that you can help fix.

For years, we've endured the criticism of people who just don't understand our hobby. "Gamers are immature. Gamers are immoral. Gamers are wasting time and money on silly, stupid toys."

Nag nag nag. Blah blah blah.

Now, with those same people snatching up Wiis and fumbling through Guitar Hero, suddenly they think they "get" this gaming thing. Don't get us wrong -- we're thrilled to see people having fun with Scene It? and asking how DLC works. To those people, we say... jump in. But we still see just as many folks rolling their eyes as they pass the game aisle and smirking dismissively when we say we're looking forward to a weekend of nothing but Call of Duty. The ignorant assumptions, the inane comments, the condescending tone... it makes us want to scream.

But you don't have to stand for their judgmental cluelessness. Here's a big honkin' list of wrongs that you have the power to set right. They don't know -- but you can show them. In fact, read it out loud to them. Through a bullhorn. An inch from their face.

#1 You can't have it both ways.

Parents, politicians, and pundits are constantly scolding kids for spending too much time with videogames. At the same time, however, they casually mock anyone who dares play as an adult. Which age group is being irresponsible again? Make up your minds!

#2 Looks who's talking.

If you spend most days building kitten orphanages and serving hot soup to homeless unicorns, then yes, you can tell us that gaming is a "waste of time." If you sit on the couch instead -- watching sports, voting for reality TV, or browsing celebrity-gossip blogs -- then please look up "hypocrite in the dictionary.

#3 Control yourself.

That gamepad is not a rock and you are not a rampaging chimpanzee. Smashing the buttons with all your ferocious might is not going to make your character any faster, stronger, or smarter. It will probably break our $50 piece of equipment, however, so knock it off.

#4 Yes, this stuff is expensive.

If we ask you to step back from the HDTV, to wash your greasy Cheeto-caked mitts, or to grab "the guest controller," we have every right. These are delicate tools. Don't get all offended and don't look at us like we're anal-retentive freaks.

#5 It's your fault.

Not the game's. Not the controller's. Not the connection's. Not the lighting's. Yours.

#6 Quit quoting us out of context.

No matter how many times you repeat the line for the amusement of our friends and family, "Can you help me level my paladin tonight?" still made perfect sense within the framework and rules of the game.

#7 "HALLO 3" for the Sony Wii does not exist.

It will never exist. When we patiently try to explain this to you, please don't blame us for your mixed information. Gamers have not organized themselves into a secret, worldwide conspiracy merely to keep the best titles away from you. Maybe you're just wrong.

#8 SHUSH!

If you don't like people talking during movies, walking in front of the television screen, or singing over your favorite song, then -- for the love of all that's holy -- don't interrupt us during a game's cutscene. The alien, the dragon, and the talking spellbook were having a very important conversation...

#9 "Hey, are you winning?!"

Umm, this is an RPG with hundreds of quests and paths over dozens of hours, so it's really hard to say... "Cool! How many points you got?" Sigh.

#10 If you suck, admit you suck.

Give up the guitar. Step away from the drums. Let someone else join the race or fight. You had your chance and you had your fun. Know when to walk away with at least a shred of dignity and goodwill intact.

#11 Dur dur dur dur dur.

Oh yeah, bumping into us in the middle of a competitive match is hilarious. Reaching over and messing with our controller is completely hysterical. Dying or crashing on purpose is the funniest thing ever. Ugh.

#12 Time out.

Oop! Your clumsy hands have done it again. They've "accidentally" paused the game or hit the Guide button at the very moment you were about to lose. How convenient.

#13 Please don't patronize.

Don't ask us what we're playing and what's going on in the game unless you really want to know. Complete obliviousness would be preferable to barely veiled expressions of absolute and utter disinterest.

#14 No, this isn't "That Mario game."

Every game ever made is not called Mario. Ditto for Pac-Man, Tetris, Doom, Myst, and Pong. We have not been playing the same thing for 25 years -- except for when we're actually playing Pac-Man, Tetris, or Doom. Similarly, Gears of War is not Halo "with new guns" and Soulcalibur is not Street Fighter "with different graphics."

#15 Names have power.

No, his name isn't "Zelda." It's Link. Marcus Fenix isn't called "Gears" ("Gears of War... yes, of the New Hampshire Wars") and that soldier guy isn't named "Wolfenstein." Sometimes videogames -- like books, films, and television -- are complex enough to contain characters with names separate from the title. Hard to believe, but true!

#16 Scared stupid.

If you're going to scream and run away each time an enemy fires a gun, swings a punch, or makes the slightest noise, perhaps you should sample a hobby other than videogames. We hear quilting is quite rewarding.

#17 "Well, that's a great thing to teach children..."

How observant of you! Yes, these severed limbs, crushed skulls, and buckets of exploding blood are quite gory. Good thing this game is rated mature and not made for minors, right? Right?

#18 Do the research.

Yes, games are full of foul language, awful violence, crude sexuality, and other mature situations. Protest all you like, but at least protest the right offenders for the right reasons. If Fox News had sent a single email or made one phone call to BioWare, they would've been informed that Mass Effect was not a sex simulator. Why is ignorance so acceptable on this one particular subject?

#19 SAVE!

For heaven's sake, please ask us questions if you don't know what you're doing, because constantly watching you start your Viva Piñata garden from scratch yet again is killing us inside. And yes, we know you just want to run around punching people in GTA, but maybe if you saved, you could eventually run around and punch people on a totally new island. Oh, and while we're on the subject...

#20 Hold the eff on.

Whatever you want from us, we can't do anything until we save. No, really. No, nothing. You want to lose the last 45 minutes of your life, too? Then deal with it.

#21 Learn the language of gaming.

A grace period for learning is understandable, of course -- we're all beginners at the beginning, right? But if you can't muster the patience to sit through a five-minute tutorial, don't whine when you forget the controls. Don't complain when you end up having a conversation with a clearly non-interactive crate instead of the glowing, obviously interactive computer right next to it. And exactly how many times do we have to remind you which screen is your in a multiplayer match before you memorize that simple, binary piece of information? This isn't calculus.

#22 Games aren't that immersive.

If you could refrain from physically ducking, dodging, bobbing, and weaving every single time a bullet is fired or a vehicle drives past the screen, you might look a lot less like you "hear voices," and therefore, we might be willing to sit next to you again. Rest assured that when the Holodeck is finally invented, you can flop and flounce around as much as your heart desires.

#23 Don't be an enabler.

By purchasing licensed dreck (and the crappy sequels to licensed dreck) simply because you recognize the celebrity on the front of the box or it's $20 in the bargain bin, you're pulling down the entire industry. Enter the Matrix sells millions while Okami sells thousands. Space Chimps and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? get multi-platform releases, while Psychonauts is denied a sequel. We all suffer because of someone's bad or poorly informed taste. Buy good games or don't buy games at all. PLEASE.

[Sabre]

First off, the writer of this would do well to watch this

There's alot of filler here. Some are fair enough, some are just slight varations on the same thing. eg. There are a few that are basicly them trying to play a game without trying to understand it.

The last one get's me though. My advice to new gamers is to tell me something you are interested in and I will recommend something, or stick to the popular mainstream stuff like GTA or Assassins Creed. Okami is good if you into that, but it fair to say it's not for everyone. You can show someone the "bestest game evar" but if they don't care they are not going to get into it.

I also don't get number 1. He missed the point entirely. The reason that attitude exsists is because they see gaming as kids toys, same with animation.

My main thing to say is why does he care? He complains about people being un-interested and mocking his hobby. I have no interest in football so don't talk to me about it. Also they look dumb dressing up as the players. It makes me wonder why he wants this ignorant person to be a gamer anyway.

[CrypticQuery]

Thanks for posting, Vydrach, it certainly was fun to read! :D

[Fira-Astrali]

Oh dear, I am one of those people that ducks and bobs out of the way ^^; I get really into my video games.

My brother would be cheering for the one about saving, you have no idea how many hours he's lost to my mom asking him to do stuff and getting impatient :P

[Asper Sarnoff]

You know, when I read the topic title, I thought it was about me. DISAPPOINTED!