Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Prologue It had been over a decade since over 200 minors went missing, old batches tossed aside, new batches brought in. some were found alive but they knew nothing of their family, home life, The facility or anything else for that matter, and others were found dead, their bodies scattered with no evidence of the killer what-so-ever. They didn't discriminate between gender, race, nor species. They took whatever they could find, messing with their DNA, physical and mental structure, organs, or anything else for that matter. the children were brutally beaten in order to toughen them up a bit, some were starved to see how long they would last, and some were given different types of drugs and medication, in order to see what affect it would have on them. I know you would be thinking "why don't they just escape?" well, at the CMEF or Child Mutation Enhancement Facility, escape is not an option, unless you are willing to risk your life for it. Tons have tried, and not one of them made it out successfully....or alive. Once your in the CMEF, you never leave with your memory, on some occasions, not even your life. They have created kids, born to be killers, Marauders, thieves, ect. Only a couple were Mistakes, though were set to be put down, they, the CMEF staff, gave them a little mercy and let them live about 12 years of their life, then kill them off once they've reached the 12 year mark. i also bet you are wondering "who are the CMEF staff and why are they doing this?" They are a brutal, sick, and twisted group of scientists, bound to create the perfect race of kids, like Hitler. They look for any kids they can get and grab them, even if it means hurting them in the process. they give them numbers, new clothing, minimal amounts of food, and a cage. Not like a regular cage, it's the size of a Great Dane's cage, nothing more, nothing less. They get the kids to do drills, exercises, training simulations, and if you couldn't complete them, you were either beaten and forced to continue, or you were shot, being weak and un-able to continue, was not an option either. you either did what they told you, or suffered the consequences of your rebellious actions, they believe if the kids can't continue a "simple" daily training course, they were as good as dead, no need for them anymore. Once you were there, there was no escape, no hope, all that mattered was survival. You could trust no one.........not even yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star_Dragon Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Wow. Dark. I'm impressed. I would be interested, however, in learning what the CMEF guys are hoping to accomplish with these "Perfect Kids." Still, a well-rounded story, says me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 heh i know. i am working on Ch.1 as we speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 (sorry for the double post, but here is Ch.1) Ch.1 A young white vixen, about the age of 12, was getting as much rest as she could because of the time lost the previous night, when the scientists gave her multiple tests that consisted of injections, simulations to test her physical abilities and mental strength, and blood tests. As she was sleeping, one of the wardens of the facility, took roll call "4359245?" he asked in a bored tone "here" said a girl about the age of 10. she had Amber yellow eyes, brown fur that consisted of white tribal signs on her body, brown hair which consisted of one bead, about one inch from the bottom of a large strand hair on each side of her hair in the front. She looked at him in a frightened way, but he smirked, kicking the cage and causing her to lunge back and hit her head on the back of the metal barred cage. she neither flinched nor whined, due to if she did, it resulted in serious consequences. she looked at him as he continued to take roll call "4637159?" he asked "here" she said. she was the same age as the brown vixen who was scared previously. she had jet black fur and hair, tied into a mini side ponytail. she had storm grey eyes and a scar cut across her nose from her early childhood. she gave him a bored look and the warden just kept on walking. "5021850?" he asked, only to his surprise, was given no answer. "5021850?!" he said, this time in a louder and more demanding voice, still got no answer. He looked, only to find she was still asleep. He gave an evil smirk as he took out his tazer and shocked her, giving her a nice wake up call. she screamed in pain as he shocked her forcefully, watching and enjoying as she shreaked. He then pulled it away from her, looking like he had just won $100 on a scratch off "morning sunshine" he said sarcastically with an evil smirk, showing off his clean, but sharp teeth "now wake up when you are told next time! DAMNIT GIRL DO YOU HEAR ME?!" he screamed, giving her a look that would make you want to run and hide "y-y-yes s-s-sir!" she said, still feeling as though she was being shocked. He looked at her one last time "good. im glad we've reached an understanding" he said as he walked off to continue with his morning roll calls. "ah, the good ol' warden, he just LOVES to see us kids in pain now doesn't he, Star?" the black furred vixen commented "yeah, a very nice quality to a very nice man" Star said with a chuckle "though he never bothers to hurt you at all Storm, sneaking you food and such. wonder why THAT is?" she added in a sarcastic tone " because im his "oh so precious" child" Storm said sarcastically "being the daughter to THAT is the equivalent to dying" Storm added with a chuckle "I couldn't agree more, Storm" Star said. she then looked at the brown furred vixen from earlier, who was scared out of her wits "hey Spirit, you alright over there?" Star asked in a concerned tone "yeah.......im fine" Spirit said in a low and disturbed tone "Im sorry Spirit.......you didn't deserve to be taken from your tri-" Star was cut off by Spirit "dont remind me..........." she said, coming into tears. There was a bell that rang just outside of the corridor, it was breakfast. part of the usual routine of breakfast, then drills, then lunch, if we were lucky, then back to drills, then dinner, then back to the cages for more exciting fun the next day. a man walked in and and unlocked the cages. some would think to run if it was your first day, but once you got used to it, you knew you would not DARE even think of running, or the consequences would be dire. As the man unlocked her cage, he handcuffed the white vixen and walked her to the cafeteria, where she sat at her table, and waited for the so called "food" they would prepare for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjrathbun812 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Interesting. I wanna see more. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vulvokunvrii Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 *nods* Very good! I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 why thank you rey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavemonkynick Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I like this:) good job, i can't wait to see where this goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 ^^ its gunna get better, just you wait and see ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Ch.2 As she was waiting, Star heard a gunshot from the room next to the cafeteria and an ear peircing scream to follow it. after a sudden thud, there was silence "they got another runner i see. poor kid, the freedom she could have had, taken from her by these bast**ds obsessed with science." she said quietly to Storm, who was sitting next to her as usual. "yeah. Hey, i heard they are bringing in a new batch of kids today..........which means....."she said in a concerned voice "they will likely dispose of some of the other kids who are useless to them" she said with a sudden shudder. she knew that they pick the kids who have failed most of their tests and are to weak to continue. they don't give a damn about what is fair or not, they only care for their love of science. "alright you worthless maggots line up!" said an officer as he blew his high pitched whistle, which made Star soon cringe in pain as the noise blasted through her mind like a bullet. When the noise stopped, she followed Storm to the line-up. "as some of you know, we are bringing a new group of kids into the facility today. So, we have the test results for the kids who will have their memories wiped clean and detained and the ones who will be disposed of properly. Those who are not called, will remain here until they are no longer needed" he said as he started calling numbers and sorting them into their proper groups. One of which, Star knew oh-so well "number 1673462! Buffy Johnson please walk onto the side of the Disposers" said the officer "no........NO! NOT BUFFY!" cried Star as she rushed to Buffy. When the officer saw this action, he hit her with his baton, hard enough to make her head bleed and also to make her fall unconscious. Storm walked up and grabbed Star, laying her unconscious body on the table before her "let that be a lesson to you all, helping another will only bring you pain and suffering, as the girl exampled. you are dismissed" he said, bringing the useless children along as he lead them. "man, that guy is a jerk" said Storm as she treated Star's head wound. As she was treating it, the new kids entered, two of which, walked over to storm. They were each about the age of 11 and female, they both were brown vixens, one of which had short hair, and the other long. They had piercing Amber eyes and wore maroon colored clothing. They both had freckles across the top of their noses. They were obviously twins, the only way you could tell them apart was by the length of their hair, other than that, you couldn't tell the difference. one spoke to introduce herself " hi, ummm i guess before asking questions i should introduce my- i mean US. im Maroon, and that is my twin sister Celeste." the long haired one said "now, tell us about this uh......wonderful place we've been taken to" said the short haired Celeste, eyes trained on Storm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavemonkynick Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star_Dragon Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Wow. And I thought MY life was hard. Keep going! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ah you mean that of your characters or yours in general Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ch. 3 (warning: strong language affiliated) "ugh..........wh-what the hell happened?" Star asked, finding herself in her cage. she felt like a train wreck, not remembering a single thing from then she was bashed by a baton. she looked to her left, only to find a short-haired brown vixen, having a full out freak-out attack session in her cage, bashing on the bars as she did so. Her Long haired twin was doing the same, soon enough attracting the attention of the guard. "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! ILL PUT YOU TWO ANNOYING F*CKERS TOGETHER!" he screamed, and soon unlocked her cage, forcing her into the same cage as her twin. They hugged then looked at Star, who stared at them. The guard soon enough unlocked the cage and grabbed Star forcefully as she fought back, trying to escape his grip. He then placed her onto a medical bed, strapping her down as she rebelled. Another Scientist, a female, placed a mask, which contained a knock out serum in the form of a gas, onto Star's mouth and nose. As Star breathed it in, it became more and more difficult to stay awake, soon enough she was passed out, not knowing if she will be alive or dead when she wakes up. she woke up during a conversation between the scientists, and she was then able to hear their conversation with her hyped up senses. "how are her testings?" a scientist asked the female "above average, to bad she was one of the mistakes, she would have been a perfect choice for our project, but she has to be put down in a week" she said. "what is this project you speak of?" asked the newbie scientist "this project is to make a perfect race of kids who can withstand deadly diseases and such, who can also withstand the horrors of the real world. then we will use them, using our best mind controlling equipment, and wipe out those who cannot withstand what these enhanced children can. getting rid of the un-perfect populous of the world and making the world full of only a perfect race of humans and anthro's alike" she said "wouldn't that include us?" he asked "not necessarily. since we created this race of kids, we would also be considered "perfectionists" or "perfect" for that matter. so we would still be here" she said "no.........they can't do this.........i wont let them!" she thought to herself. she would find a way to escape within a week, and stop their plans, or it would be the end of her.........and maybe the world as they know it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavemonkynick Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Another good chapter;) Keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ch.4 (warning: strong language affiliated) Star seethed with rage as they spoke of "Perfect balance" as they called it, when she knew more than half the world's populous would be wiped out. "these basta*ds wont get away with it" she said thinking to herself. as she was thinking, another fellow white coated male, wheeled in a young boy, who was also strapped to a medical bed, and his bed was set next to hers. He was about the age of 14, he had grey fur and grey eyes, that gazed at Star in a scared and helpless way. "welcome to the club kid" Star said "This aint no joke girly, this is a madhouse......."He commented "then i guess we've all gone mad" Star said with a chuckle "apparently. Im Rick, how about you?" he asked "Star. i guess your new" She commented "yeah. i love it already" he said with a slight chuckle "it gets better ya know" she said sarcastically "wow! i would have never guessed! sounds like it will get MUCH better" he said, laughing as a guard came in "QUIET! no talking!" he screamed "hehe...........i guess he woke up on the wrong side of the bed" Star said quietly, but he heard it. he walked over and tazed her, causing her to pass out from the pain and exhaustion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star_Dragon Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Yeah, this sounds familiar. Still, nice story. I look forward to the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 well thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjrathbun812 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 I really like this, but the thing it really needs is decent text format, and the English could use some work. There are capitalization and punctuation errors. Also, I'd like to point out that using multiple dots in text like, "I wish I was there.........But then I guess that doesn't matter..........." is a no no. Works much better and gets the point across if you use only three dots. Love the way you write dialogue. I think your good at that! But the words could use more variety when they describe what the character is doing while he/she is talking. Often the same word can be overused. Primarily chuckle. That works fine, but it's awkward when it's used over and over in cases like say this, "Wow, you're a goof," he chuckled. "I'm not!" she chuckled. "Are too!" he chuckled. Yes, I know it's not that bad, but this is just to show what I mean. It's a good read, honestly. But it would be great if you fixed up the format, gave it some better description, and cleaned up some errors in the English. I've learned a lot since my own previous fanfictions, etc, so I know a thing or two about writing myself. Just wanted to be a helpful critique, here. Best of luck with the story! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now