Psy_Commando's journal with some weird stuff

[psy_commando]

Well, I decided to go with school and see how it goes.. I will probably regret it though.

However, I feel a ton better without cipralex and strattera in my blood. And I no longer feel super depressed like before ! And I also stopped feeling like murdering everybody that piss me off

Though, they replaced ritalin 2 days ago, with aderall, and this far I feel dizzy all the time. And I got that sensation when I move, like if my body "lagged" behind me(not sure how to explain it). I get the same sensation when I'm having fever while having a bad flu. :S

Anyways, Its getting better. And also, just curious, anybody reading this that's a good businessman ? I'm looking for someone familiar with how business works and how to start them.

Oh and I do believe I have a little too many tab opens :

[Thu'um]

lol tabs....

i know a tiny but about business, but i live in the USA, and its probably irevillent to you

[psy_commando]

lol tabs....

i know a tiny but about business, but i live in the USA, and its probably irevillent to you

Well, I imagine business in Canada's pretty similar, maybe that Canada has more government help though (really not sure). And besides, I'm not sure in what country I'd which to establish my potential company in, since these days laws and politics make me want to not live on this planet anymore :S

[Thu'um]

Well, I imagine business in Canada's pretty similar, maybe that Canada has more government help though (really not sure). And besides, I'm not sure in what country I'd which to establish my potential company in, since these days laws and politics make me want to not live on this planet anymore :S

what do you plan to do for a business?

[psy_commando]

what do you plan to do for a business?

An indie video game studio

[psy_commando]

Might have spoken too fast about me not feeling depressed anymore ..

Anyways, spent lots of time on TF2 again this week, and I can't do anything I should do.. And I can't seem to build the will to do anything else :S

I could use some motivationnal tips and stuff like that I think.

[CrypticQuery]

Might have spoken too fast about me not feeling depressed anymore ..

Anyways, spent lots of time on TF2 again this week, and I can't do anything I should do.. And I can't seem to build the will to do anything else :S

I could use some motivationnal tips and stuff like that I think.

Pfft, playing TF2 during the week is something you can and should do . I know the feeling of a lack of willpower though; it'll possibly subside once something captures your interest once more, I guarantee it. Try some new things, visit somewhere you haven't, or find a hobby small enough to complete within a relatively small timespan.

[psy_commando]

Pfft, playing TF2 during the week is something you can and should do . I know the feeling of a lack of willpower though; it'll possibly subside once something captures your interest once more, I guarantee it. Try some new things, visit somewhere you haven't, or find a hobby small enough to complete within a relatively small timespan.

Well, I pretty much play TF2 during my entire free timeof the week, which is way too much. I've been neglecting so much things. Like the mod project!

Yeah, that makes sense. But I already tried lots of hobbies, guitar, electronics, drawing, 3D modelling, music composition, and a few other things. And I wasn't able to put enough energy into it to constantly improve and progress, I just gave up on them when I got tired of not seeing improvement.

However, like you said having a hobby small enough to complete quickly would be great. I just don't know what hobby it is :S

[RennardFuchs]

Actually, having more than one hobby is good, so you will be better in more things...

For example, I'm a multi-hobbyist (strange word), and I enjoy that and to be honest I enjoy every of my hobbies, the key is not to push it too far.

Just like playing on the guitar, you're buying a classical guitar, starting with a few accords, get used to hurting fingers in the beginning, then you learn Power-chords, eventually buy an e-guitar, try your first solo, improvisation etc. You don't have to (you even shouldn't) start with solo's, or an e-guitar...

If you don't have the mood to play, paint, etc. nobody should force you, you'll come to an point in which you actually do it on your own.

^^

A small hobby of myself is keeping birdspiders, praying mantises and ants... It requires some knowledge in the beginning, but it's cheap, and I enjoy everyday with my pets.

[psy_commando]

Well, I'm not doing too bad these days. Which is kinda surprising, given all the crap I still have to fix..

Like, if I should go into 3D modelling or stay in programmation at school, since I think trying something new would probably give me my motivation back. But, I'm not sure the parents would like it at all, given the fact that they've been supporting me financially all these years, because of my learning problems. Plus, to get into a 3D modelling class around here, you seem to need to be a good at drawing, since in the list of prerequisites it states that you'll need to pass an evaluation of your drawing abilities..

I'm not exactly really good at drawing, I'm somewhat more or less decent, with perspectives and proportions, but I don't draw often enough, nor I find stuff to draw often enough ! Why don't they just teach me drawing if its that relevant to 3d modelling in the first place ? I've been modelling much more than drawing, and never had any real issues with it, besides my inability at making really complicated objects (mostly high poly models).

Yeah, and earlier last week, I learned that I couldn't pass my English and French course even if I had 100% in all my future evaluations. So I guess I'll have to take that French course again, for the 3rd time already and that English class for the second time .. I'm actually doing much better in English usually, since French courses are really ridiculously complicated for nothing, just like the language itself.. What killed me in French is those stupid reading test on really shitty books that you have to read for the course, I didn't really read those at all.. What killed me in English, is the homeworks I forgot about, along with the student strike, that forced my teacher to make less evaluation that were worth more points. For Example, an oral I had to do, was supposed to be worth 10%, but jumped to 20% because she had to cut some evaluations out of the course, given the short time they had to finish the semester. The last course left that I still have chances of successfully completing, is a badminton course ! And even then, I already failed the same course 3 times before, because I kept forgetting to do my training program and progression log and if you fail those, you fail the course !

Also another bummer is that, my social worker, my parents, my psychiatrist, the school's special needs teacher, all said either that they don't know how to help me or that my case was pretty discouraging

The special needs teacher even told me to try to find something easier to do, like a DEP (Diplôme d'étude professionel) which is basically one big step below the DEC(Diplôme d'étude collégial) I'm trying to obtain. With a DEP in computer science, the only job I can do is fixing PCs, but with a DEC I can be a programmer too.

I'm so damn tired of all that school stuff that now it makes me laugh when I think about it for some reasons :S

Moreover, I'm now loaded with the maximum dose of Aderall ! And it gives me some weird ass side effects..

I constantly feel these strange "shivers", if you can call them that, like when you have a very bad flu along with fever, or when you're really tired.

Then I have been suddenly brought back into the subject of fanwork and right holders. I really don't get at all why fanwork is technically illegal, and I don't get it that copyrights are supposed to encourage creativity, even though people still manage to copy each others.. If those laws are really for the greater good, why don't we see things like the fan's bill of right, or ever hear about the copyright holder having any responsibilities ?

I'm also very concerned about the whole "lets take down every file hoster on the internet, because some guy uploaded our crap on those" movement that started lately. Its all so damn ridiculously overkill and unfair.

I also got some TF2 stuff I'll add to this post pretty soon.

[Gene Inari]

Yeah, aderall has some odd side effects. An ex-girlfriend of mine was prescribed it and I could tell when she took the stuff.

I need to get into college and such, even for more basic stuff, but I still have no clue what I want to do with my life beyond picking up my cousin's hobby of fixing/building PCs.

[psy_commando]

Yeah, aderall has some odd side effects. An ex-girlfriend of mine was prescribed it and I could tell when she took the stuff.

I need to get into college and such, even for more basic stuff, but I still have no clue what I want to do with my life beyond picking up my cousin's hobby of fixing/building PCs.

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one to have weird reactions to it ! We'll see how long I'll tolerate that thing ..

You have no clue at all ? There must be something that you're curious about or that you'd think would be fun and rewarding to do.

Maybe you can see if you can find a list of the different programs American colleges offers, and the possible job those programs lead to.

Also, you could see a career advisor, they'll probably have you pass the Strong test to see what your fields of interest are and help you find a good starting point in your search for a field to study in.

Personally, I had no idea what to do after high school. The thing I found I was good at was computer graphics, mostly with corel draw. I didn't want to be designing signs and websites or all that crap, so I decided to find a program that would teach me 3D modelling. However, the big bummer is that you have to be able to draw to be accepted in a 3D modelling program, they're too cheap to teach you how to draw.. So finally, for some reasons, I joined the computer science program, and found out there wasn't any 3D at all in that program. But I started to really enjoy the courses and working with computers. So I stayed with that program until now.

And building/repairing PCs can be a job. If you really like that, more than just a hobby, you can study to be an IT technician. But its not all that great, at least when I had an IT technician job, it was all about helping grumpy old ladies sending e-mails or unjamming printers, and only sometimes repair PCs..

But yeah, a good first step would be to consult a career advisor.

[psy_commando]

Well, damn.  Its been I while I posted here.

I shouldn't even be, given how low priority it is..

 

These days I'm beginning to do a little better at school. I'm finishing my internship next Friday. And if all goes well, I might just get a diploma after 8 fking years. And, it should have only lasted 3... Though, now people are telling me I shouldn't attempt university given my problems. And, I'm getting worried because I think I might not like programming enough to do it everyday for years and years..  Which would mean I'd have gone through all that for nothing.

 

 

Between last September and now, a lot has happened, and most of it was bad, really bad. I'll sum it up here:

 

- Adderall + Wellbutrin = heartburn. Wait 2 months. Get prescribed more Adderall + Wellbutrin = more heartburn. So get prescribed Pantoloc to stop heartburn. Adderall + Wellbutrin + Pantoloc = no more heartburn + constant diarrhea.  Wait 2 months. Psychiatrist, says keep taking it, its just initial side effects. Wait 2 other very long and excruciating months. Psychiatrist stops Pantoloc. Wait one month. Heartburn are back, and diarrhea is less constant but still there. Psychiatrist lowers Adderall. Heartburn calm down, but still here..

 

- Meds don't stop ADD or anxiety anymore.. In fact they make things worst. I got literally a 2 second memory, and even forgets about things I'm currently doing.. And I get some major almost uncontrollable mood swings, especially when I forget to take my pills !

 

- Thanks to daily diarrhea I lost any desire to eat. And just eat because I need to.

 

- The good side is that I stopped drinking soft drinks, eating sweets, eating my entire meals, and I subsequently lost weight, about 3 - 4 holes on my belt, in 2 months without doing anything special.. Though, I feel I really lack things in my diet, mostly vegetables and fruits. And dairy products.

 

- Anxiety is back.. And its just as crippling as it was back in 2005-2006 and before. I just get completely paralyzed by anxiety/fear whenever I have to do something that makes me anxious. Posting in public debates, sharing my opinion on sensitive topics, doing my job on the mod team and discussing issues with people or telling someone to redo something for the X th time, or contacting member we haven't heard from in a while, replying to annoying people on DA and elsewhere.

I'm afraid of driving to college, because of people constantly tailgating me because I drive only 10km/h over the speed limit, except in school zones. Its like being intimidated into doing something reckless that might end up badly, or getting punished by the police for the other guy behind (who would probably laugh his ass off). And also because of the enraged and aggressive drivers..

Just talking to other people on Skype or in tf2 or other games is really hard. I get so focused on not speaking in French and not messing up words that it makes things worst.. And I get mentally exhausted as much as after a 4 hours exam..

 

- My last grandparent died, my grandmother. I feel weird about it because, it didn't gave me much emotion.. Sure I cried for a few minutes, but then its as if I had no emotions at all...

 

- My legs have begun hurting like crazy when I walk for 5 minutes and up. So much that I literally limp after a while..

 

- I can't take my dog out for a walk anymore because of the above problem and that I'm too nervous outside, and nobody else wants to do it. Its been nearly 4 months now..  Which just makes me feel extremely bad and guilty about it, especially when he asks for it..

He's 12, but he's still running everywhere and generally acting like a pup. And he's a russell terrier (or a bulldog / jack russell terrier mix), so he needs a lot of exercise or he gets really anxious and nervous.. And it would probably help him live better for the few years he has left. The sad thing is that he needs to have his teeth cleaned and one of his canine fixed because the gum at its base is getting seriously "eroded". And the vet said they'd have to anesthetize him to do that, but that its really risky on old dogs. Though, I'm sure it will get worse, and eventually they'll have to do it... Given my luck and his, it looks bad.. I almost cried in the examination room, and had a hard time trying to speak without it sounding like I'm sad..     

 

- I created a lot of problems on the mod team. Because I'm way too anxious and sentimental nowadays. I just avoided making decisions about big problems, and avoided anything that made me nervous. Which in turn was extremely unfair to some team members. We got some kind of debate, and put someone else in charge. Though after a few weeks, I was there much more often and I didn't want to lose entire weeks to hear from someone else when we needed to address something right now. So, eventually went back to playing the leader, at least in practice..  I had some really huge and stupid, stupid, stupid episodes.

 

Like, at one point I was doing my finals and working on my last program of the semester. I had spent the entire week sleeping 2 hours, and not sleeping the last day. And we were discussing maybe adding some fluff to Fara's head hair given that, her head looked kinda flat and bland and not really furry. The thing is the other kinda caught up to the fact that I like the character, not that its hard not to.. And so they photoshopped one of Alain's concept, to look as if she had a huge hilariously retarded mohawk. But, then they decided they wanted to pull a prank on me and make it seems as if it was what they had all agreed on. Though, Nathan pretty much said, "I want him to shit bricks".

 

And when I looked at Skype for the first time in a while, I was dead tired, my program wasn't working, I had not very long before I had to deliver the program, I still had 2 other programs to start, both of which were late of several weeks and took several weeks normally to do. The joke was not too bad, but when I read the "I want him to shit bricks" I didn't take it very well, I found the remark to be of really bad taste given the whole ordeal I was in, and felt like it was a lack of empathy..

I was really upset, not just angry, but I also felt alone and shunned. So I turned Skype off for several days to cool off, kinda make them see how it is when I'm not there doing my job. Then, I made a huge message to explain how much that was not really a good time to pull pranks on me. I think I really created an awkward feeling in the team. Then I noticed I had seriously overreacted and attempted to fix things... I still feel like I really made a big dent in my friendship with the others....

 

And then in other episodes, I accidentally insulted a few members, went full drama queen on the chat quite a few times, and went against everyone's opinion about a character's specie when I said they could choose it... Ugh... >_<

 

And I just turned 25, last Sunday, the 26th. Its really scary how fast it goes ! That's 1/4 of a hundred !

And I still haven't really lived. Neither did I develop any real skills, besides computers in general, but even then I'm pretty average

Its really strange how when you're younger you really can't wait until its your birthday, because you'll get gifts, have a party, and "get" a little older. I can't remember when I stopped anxiously waiting for my birthday. But it was probably around 16 years old, since I could drive then.(And driving is really overrated !!!)

But now, I just don't want that day to happen..

 

I kinda feel like I'm riding the  "bus of life" with everybody else, but its going too fast for me, and I want to walk instead. But then the driver won't let me out. And I notice I forgot all my luggage and stuff back home. So I'm not even sure I'll be able to face whatever will be there when I'll get off where that douche bus driver wants to..

 

There we go. Now lets finish the ridiculously big post for the mod thread !

[Thu'um]

I wasn't sure or not if i should reply, i've never had to take Adderall, so I wasn't sure if i could give advice.

 

About happiness, from my own life i controll my happyness in two ways. Try getting more sleep, that generally effects mood. You mentioned you don't eat well. I've noticed when i eat unhealthy for a couple of days i get deppresed. I'm not suggesting you eat less, but find away to eat whats better for you, like a good salad.

 

I'm not even 17, and I feel like life is flying by. Two mores years and i'll be in college. To me its unfathomable. We may not get to stroll through our lives, but we're responsable for making what we can of it. Try to do somthing everyday, even if its small you think will bring a sense of acomplishment, weather it be talking to your mom over the phone, or maybe taking your dog on that walk.

 

I'm sorry your having a bad time at things, but you have the ability to make it better.

[psy_commando]

I wasn't sure or not if i should reply, i've never had to take Adderall, so I wasn't sure if i could give advice.

 

About happiness, from my own life i controll my happyness in two ways. Try getting more sleep, that generally effects mood. You mentioned you don't eat well. I've noticed when i eat unhealthy for a couple of days i get deppresed. I'm not suggesting you eat less, but find away to eat whats better for you, like a good salad.

 

I'm not even 17, and I feel like life is flying by. Two mores years and i'll be in college. To me its unfathomable. We may not get to stroll through our lives, but we're responsable for making what we can of it. Try to do somthing everyday, even if its small you think will bring a sense of acomplishment, weather it be talking to your mom over the phone, or maybe taking your dog on that walk.

 

I'm sorry your having a bad time at things, but you have the ability to make it better.

That's all good. Any advice can't hurt.

To be honest I didn't even expect replies. It seems I have a knack for making posts that nobody want to reply to ! XD

 

Anyways.

You're right, sleeping more is said to actually greatly help with depression and etc.. But its a little complicated. Its because I'm extremely frustrated because I'm incredibly slower at everything I could do faster before. Mostly because I can't focus on anything. So when its midnight and I notice I haven't finished what I really wanted to do that day, I just try to finish it asap, but it makes me go to sleep at like 3am, and I usually haven't finished it. And I got a todo list , and a plan but it doesn't seem to work

 

As for having the ability to make it better. I probably do, but I don't know what to do exactly. I don't know what I want, or like, and the plans I had when I entered college kinda fell apart when they told me I should avoid university, at least until things get better.. When I was in a much worse phase, I just forgot instantly everything I liked, my ambitions, etc..

 

And I'm not really having a bad time right now. But I did earlier this year. I was just more or less listing what happened during these last few months. Now I'm mostly focused on finishing college and its keeping me busy, so it should be good for a while.

[psy_commando]

Well, I just stopped completely my anti-depressants. So I feel like shit and want to kill everyone..

 

And I'm pretty much pissing everybody off around me. For some reasons, I can't restrain myself from saying things that could sound mean and etc..

And its probably gonna last a week or two..

 

I'll probably have to be less involved in the mod for a week at least, just so I don't make things worst..

[sroberson]

Just curious, but why did you stop taking anti-depressants? I wont try too hard to relate and say "I know how you feel" since that sounds really trite, but I was having depression issues on and off for a while recently (probably the worst in a while)...I don't envy you if yours is severe enough it required medicine. I hope you find a way to fight through this.

[psy_commando]

Well, mostly because I was beginning to be fed up with prescription drugs, and in August I'll be off my dad's health insurance. And those pills are ridiculously expansive and ineffective, not worth the money at all.. 

 

The only effects I had were side-effects. Diarrhea, slowed down train of thoughts, massive ups and downs, heartburns, etc.. 

The only effective one I ever took was Zoloft and even then it seriously diminished my physical endurance. ( like under the effects I could barely do 3 push-ups and be completely exhausted, but one week afterwards, when I had just stopped it, I could do more than 15 no problems )

And I had a vagal episode at school because of it, in the middle of a class.(first day of school actually) And the result was that we had to pay for an ambulance trip, And I wasted half a day waiting at the hospital, just so the docs could tell me there were no problems, and that the vagal episode was benign and was probably due to the anti-depressant being too strong.. (let me tell you I canceled that course ! No way in hell I was going back there after lying on the classroom's floor for like 15 minutes whining inconsistencies )

 

To be frank, I'm also pretty desperate, because our healthcare system is total crap around here. My mother's father and mother both died because of medical mistakes in the same hospital (the same one I went to). Her brother, who's having mental health problems and some form of neurological disorder that makes it hard for him to even stand up,  is being bullied by controlling and uncompassionate medical personnel intimidating him to do things and etc.. My mother who's dealing with all that crap firsthand is on the verge of serious depression, and yet, the medical personnel just treat her like shit when she intervened to protect her relatives.. 

And of course, its been nearly 6 years that I'm being "treated" for my depression, which originated from the bad treatment for my ADD and the resulting series of constant social, scholar, and professional failures..

 

To be honest, at this point I'm scared of ever needing to be admitted in any hospital around here.. (I'm even joking sometimes that I'll keep a gun with one bullet in my car, so if I get a serious accident I can avoid torture..)

 

I hope for you you'll get competent psychiatrist and psychologists to take care of you though !

[sroberson]

After reading just a bit about Canadian health care (since I am severely under informed on how it works) I take it that medication is just subsidized through insurance programs?  For some reason I was under the impression that it was a single payer system...but then I wouldn't trust much of anything my brain has to say today since I think I am a bit sleep deprived.  

 

Is your depression considered clinical/biological?  I've been the fan of therapy to try and work through it, but I do recognize the cases that it is a biological issue.  Is Zoloft too expensive to afford as well?  I don't know about you but I would rather give up physical energy to not be morbidly depressed - or do you try exercise to try and fight off depression?  I apologize if I am just being the broken record and you have probably heard all of this before im sure.  A while ago I got into the habit of taking fish oil which supposedly have some beneficial effect on depression (http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleID=175405) - can't say it worked 100% since I had a hard time keeping up with the regiment and i'm sure its hard to 'know' if you are getting better that way.  I had a coworker who said he was on some other medication that caused serious depression and alcoholism in himself...always found something strange about it like it was an oversight by the drug manufacturer that they didn't bother to warn people about.  

 

I used to have a personal distaste with doctors and hospitals the same reason you do, then it turned more into a distaste over the bloated and overly expensive system (kind of like my distaste for the handling of higher education in the U.S.).  Can't say I would be to the point of carrying a gun to make sure they don't get the chance - might save it for later though when a hospital ride and a trip to the emergency room costs me tens of thousands of dollars though and the insurance here screws you over because they opted to not cover something. That notion sure did make me become a "safer" driver - I used to be 'that' guy driving down the roads trying to be a bad ass.  

 

Not sure about up there, but I can definitely say that there is a sense of shame in receiving mental health care down here.  It's like you are stigmatized as being too weak to just "get over it" (boy I just love that phrase).  Then I can't help but feel the irony of "hey you are feeling depressed because of hopelessness?  Why don't we schedule our short therapy sessions during your time at work and price it out of your range.  Feel better?"  I like to think my issues are mild enough for me to work on and just get through but I wonder sometimes.  

[psy_commando]

After reading just a bit about Canadian health care (since I am severely under informed on how it works) I take it that medication is just subsidized through insurance programs?  For some reason I was under the impression that it was a single payer system...but then I wouldn't trust much of anything my brain has to say today since I think I am a bit sleep deprived.  

 

Is your depression considered clinical/biological?  I've been the fan of therapy to try and work through it, but I do recognize the cases that it is a biological issue.  Is Zoloft too expensive to afford as well?  I don't know about you but I would rather give up physical energy to not be morbidly depressed - or do you try exercise to try and fight off depression?  I apologize if I am just being the broken record and you have probably heard all of this before im sure.  A while ago I got into the habit of taking fish oil which supposedly have some beneficial effect on depression (http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleID=175405) - can't say it worked 100% since I had a hard time keeping up with the regiment and i'm sure its hard to 'know' if you are getting better that way.  I had a coworker who said he was on some other medication that caused serious depression and alcoholism in himself...always found something strange about it like it was an oversight by the drug manufacturer that they didn't bother to warn people about.  

 

I used to have a personal distaste with doctors and hospitals the same reason you do, then it turned more into a distaste over the bloated and overly expensive system (kind of like my distaste for the handling of higher education in the U.S.).  Can't say I would be to the point of carrying a gun to make sure they don't get the chance - might save it for later though when a hospital ride and a trip to the emergency room costs me tens of thousands of dollars though and the insurance here screws you over because they opted to not cover something. That notion sure did make me become a "safer" driver - I used to be 'that' guy driving down the roads trying to be a bad ass.  

 

Not sure about up there, but I can definitely say that there is a sense of shame in receiving mental health care down here.  It's like you are stigmatized as being too weak to just "get over it" (boy I just love that phrase).  Then I can't help but feel the irony of "hey you are feeling depressed because of hopelessness?  Why don't we schedule our short therapy sessions during your time at work and price it out of your range.  Feel better?"  I like to think my issues are mild enough for me to work on and just get through but I wonder sometimes.  

 

lol, well the gun thing was mostly a joke I was telling others. Because actually it would be quite hard to do that around here, and besides, chances are you're not going to be conscious or the bullet would probably ricochet on your skull.. Anyways, enough with the morbid talk

 

As for the insurance system, I'm not sure how it really works, I thought I knew, but since I've read the leaflet, I'm really confused...

Supposedly that the government pays a part of the medical costs, but you have to pay a certain percentage, and pay monthly too I think, if I understood correctly..

 

And they say that sleep deprivation is actually worst than not exercising for depression.

As for my depression, my psychiatrists refuse to tell me what it is exactly, they don't want to say its a depression, but sometimes calls it depressive disorder, yet my psychologist calls it a depression..

I feel I'm really left in the dark on all this, and the web isn't very useful..

 

Zoloft is like around $250 a box.. So its pretty expansive. And I would give up energy too, but frequent diarrhea the vagal episode and having to sleep very often made my doctors change their minds.

I tried exercising, for more than a month, but I never had any fun doing it, it was a chore and stayed a chore. So much that it took one big down to convince me it wouldn't work. Though, there's something wrong with my legs because it gets really painful really fast when just walking, or riding a bike. Plus I'm incredibly nervous riding a bike alone around the town, and its boring too.. I don't know what to do with that really..

 

I also heard it was good with ADD, but I never found a practical way of taking fish oil.

 

And yeah, its no secret that those depression drugs those companies are selling is crap, and it got nasty effects when used over long-term. And all those can worsen your depressive symptoms. Its fairly common. And people even suicide because of that..

 

I don't think I've ever really driven "like a badass" personally I was always really anxious, and besides, I had some much better use for my money than paying speeding tickets and whatnot.. Funnily enough, I pretty much always drive 5-10 km/h over the speed limits, yet I constantly get tailgated by morons. Even cops... Every single time I have a cop behin me, he'll tailgate, and once he gets the chance he'll overtake.. And I'm actually rolling faster than most people.. I hate driving.. Its like constantly being held at gunpoint by the law, and also by the other drivers, who each have their gripes with your driving and are eager to make you feel bad for doing your job right...  

 

And its not just in the states that people don't get it.. They even run ads on tv to make people realize its no jokes.. Quebec has like the highest suicide rate in North America..

Though, at this point I can't even tell anymore who's right or who's completely off in the hints and tips they give me. Like, people tell me I get more nervous driving because I don't drive enough, but yet I got worse and worse the more I drove. Now that I barely drive, I don't even stress over it anymore.. And that was something my psychiatrist told me

People told me exercice would work for sure and have huge effects and I would enjoy it after a while, yet after a little more than a month it was still as much of a chore as it was, and I didn't notice any effects whatsoever, besides being able to climb more stairs faster at school..

 

And yes, psychologist are overrated and overpaid.. And the sessions are 2 hours too short.. They always have to stop me before I'm over whining about everything.. And even though the psychologist I hired uses a method where she actually gets involved instead of just "listening" to you, after the first few months, she was in full listening mode.. And it costs $120 per hours for this, if I wanted I could talk to rocks with more reactions for free..

 

Oh, I really find the "get over it" funny.. I usually just explodes when I hear it.. And just shutup the other by mentioning exactly why it won't work, and what happened all those times I tried.. That's really a good way to make people feel bad though, and try to avoid you afterwards.. So I also try to take it lightly depending on the occasion..

 

But the problem here is that I don't know if it would really work if I tried again. Because my doctors are so ambiguous about it. They tell me that its not my fault, but that I should really do something about it.. I'm really confused about this

[sroberson]

I'm also completely unaware of the gun restrictions that exist in Canada, but from what I gathered from one of Michael Moore's documentaries (which I know I shouldn't hold that up to be the golden standard for knowledge) I thought it was similar to the gun laws in the United States.  I guess the issue might be the background check?

 

Hah, that makes two of us that are confused by the whole thing.  Wish it was just single payer and you go to the doctor and that's it - no drama.  I even work for a company that develops some sort of "cafeteria plan" insurance plan that works here and I have no idea what it is all about.  I just fix the computers.  

 

Yeah, I know that sleep deprivation really screws you up.  Trouble is work often wants me to stay up late do things for the folks that we work with over in India.  What a joy!  I am guessing they want to treat it like a biological issue and medicate it considering you didn't mention your docs directing you to a therapist first....then again I guess if the medication that works costs that much on a subsidized insurance plan then maybe they are also making a racket on selling drugs.  Lol, I rarely had fun exercising for any real length of time.  I would feel good about it for a while but then after not seeing much results I kind of backed away from it.  I've been considering getting a stationary bike since I don't really have the time to go ride it somewhere and at least I can read a book or something if its at the house.  

 

Ya know now that you mention the bad side effects of depression medication I am remembering a time ago when I was taking some other medication, accutane, and they warned me about it causing depression.  I have to find some morbid humor in the idea that anti-acne medication caused depression - though I know there was class action lawsuit regarding it screwing up people's intestines (off topic).  

 

I use the term "bad ass" more jokingly than anything (or really, more sarcastically since I know I looked more like a jack ass than anything).  Luckily I have only been pulled over a couple times for things other than speeding tickets, some minor traffic violation that was total bull and because I had a front license plate on my care that didn't match my back license plate which I was driving around with for years.  I have to admit, especially after those two occasions I get nervous with a cop behind me (and they also always seem to tailgate and then zip around).  $75 ticket is a good chunk of money.  I hate driving just because I don't really like getting out - also its just expensive and I have a bit of a distaste for big oil.  If it wasn't for a job and a roommate that doesn't drive, I would probably be a shut-in lol.   

 

I was hoping maybe outside the States things would be different .  Oh well.  And I figured New Jersey would have the highest suicide rates... (har har).  Lol I get nervous driving because I realize more and more that someone could just be a moron, run into me, and chances are they don't have insurance and I am left up creek because I didn't happen to some special policy with the insurance company that covers that....boom...broken car.  I think its the principle more than anything that bothers me about the chance of someone else hitting me and then the moral issues I have with accidentally hitting someone else.  

 

Hah, that's what I felt like what I was doing when I went to a therapist for a while - whining.  Don't get me wrong I am not going to throw that word around to describe someone with problems, but that's just how I felt...like the problem was something I had to face and fix and spilling it to someone I didn't know or really care about felt weird.  Luckily it was "free" through the University so I went there for a while between some classes for about 40 minutes (talk about short!).  

 

I don't think I have ever exploded on someone when they tell me to "get over it" but I certainly give them a cold shoulder and go off to sulk - and by that I mean I just stop answering their texts for a while.  At the moment I can't explain how it feels to hear it since I feel on top of the world at the moment but I know it bothers me and really feels demeaning like they are in a better position and are stronger than yourself for "getting over" everything that they have problems with.  I usually attribute people's ability to move on and not get upset about something so easily to be almost shallow on their part like they can't think about things around them...but I know that is an unfair thing to say since it isn't always true.  

[psy_commando]

Do you have this thing where you know you got stuff to do, and should do it, but can't get into it, and just start doing unrelated things until you're bored ? I can't work on anything, because of that right now

[psy_commando]

Well, I'm in a really weird pass..

 

First of all, there are lots of things I want to do, but its like I can't find the will to do them.. And that is literally the case with everything, school, work, friends, hobbies, etc.. I have no ideas why this is happening, and I don't know what I can do at this point..

 

Then, It feels like anything I ever write or tell anyone is ignored.. On the web or otherwise.. I feel like the guy in the sixth sense.. But, is it because I'm uninteresting or something? If only people would tell me if its horseshit, I'd have somewhere to go from..

 

I also got the result from my neuro-psychological test I passed 2-3 months ago, and they basically say I'm socially anxious, and I'm under average in term of working memory, visual analysis, mental calculation and etc, and that I'm too slow in most tests. Some I wasn't even able to complete. I knew that already to be honest.. It used not to be like that, but in the last years it just happened.. Another thing I have no ideas what to do about..

 

 

 

On another note, I got pokemon Y a few days ago, and its great! It feels like a breath of fresh air to a franchise that had been stagnating for a few generations!

 

Also, I had the strange idea of "roleplaying" as if I was a dark type gym leader XD Not seriously of course, but its just that I'm trying to build up a dark type roster and use those all the way through the game! And, kinda act evil the whole game (Well intend to, but I can't seem to do the few things that could be qualified as "evil", since it got very little incentive) XD

Because I love dark type pokemons!

And my favorite dark pokemon is Poochyena / Mightyena! Its not the strongest, and it desperately needs some love from Nintendo, seeing as Absol and Houndoom have got themselves mega evolutions, and each have had traits to make them competitive and worth picking one over the other. Mightyena has been the same since Gen III.. And it has less alternatives than those two in terms of movesets.. Which is lame, because mightyena has lower stats, less moves, and a not very good ability, though its hidden ability, moxie, is quite neat but not redeeming..

 

This far though, I boosted my mightyena so much that it can one shot most oponents, even fighting types.. His current moveset is : Bite, Strength, Rock Smash, and Dig. I plan on raising another mightyena later with: Ice Fang, Crunch, Dig, Rock Smash

With those move the coverage is quite good! But slightly underpowered.. Meh..

 

I put a lot of EV into his attack which is its dominant trait, and it defense and spec defense, then speed, then HP.

 

(That greninja didn't last very long btw.. )

 

 

And it evolved from this:

 

 

 

I had to ask someone to trade one over.. Given I bought Y instead of X..

[psy_commando]

Finished Pokemon Y today!

(These icons... They're soo ugly! Raichu and Mightyena don't look like that... And Lucario... Well.. )

I completely destroyed the Elite 4 and the Champion! My mightyena just tore through pretty much all of the champion's pokemons with little issues. Well, besides when she used like 10 full restores on her crappy Mega-Gardevoir one after the other.. Thankfully Crunch reduces the opponent's defense sometimes when it hits, and stopped the infinite loop! I had setup a substitute but my mightyena just dodged every single of her moonblasts.. XD

I'm a little disappointed, its the easiest Elite4+Champion I've went against.. I wish they were at least all level 80, not 60..

And I have no ideas why I find the whole AZ side plot so sad.. Its just so forced, yet its just sad..

I can't wait for the DLC now ! Anytime Nintendo !

And Team Flare is now my second favorite vilain team in Pokemon, after Team Rocket of course !

They loose point though because of Lysandre's plans which are highly stupid and hardly make sense.. Especially the whole thing about the pokeballs..

Please tell me we'll get some relatively consistent, and mean villains like Team Rocket again ! <

I hope Lysandre isn't dead.. I really feel his character could have been much better handled than that! Maybe all those explosions will have made him realize his whole plan was pointlessly dumb?

And does anybody know what happens if you side with Team Flare ? By pressing the red button, and also covering up team flare on a few occasions (like the running team flare dude in geosenge when serena comes running and ask you if you saw him, and you can say no)

And what happened with AZ anyways ? I really want to know what he's gonna do now, or how the hell he even survived that long! Or why he has a mechanical leg thing.. He'd be a cool sidekick in an eventual post-game DLC!