I have a question. Please help me out!

[TheRedFox8]

Okay, so I'm writing a story that's broken up in three (possibly more in the future) chapters. The first is called "A day he'll never forget," (this one's posted online in sofurry.com) the second one is called "A day SHE'LL never forget," and the last one is "A day gone horribly wrong."

I have finished the first two, but I'm kinda stuck on how I should end the third one. I'll recap everything that has happened thus far:

You have two Vexans (foxes): Rikimaru, a guy, and River, a girl. Both love each other very much and would practically die for one another.

They have known each other since about the eighth grade, and have grown closer and closer over the years, eventually going out on a date in their Sophomore year of high school (chapter one).

In the second chapter, they have another date, and end up having the obligatory mating session.

However, in chapter three, it starts out as raining in sheets pretty much. River drives Rikimaru to school and promises to take him back home after school. However, during lunch he gets visited by a girl that's screwed up in the mind at the moment and she ends up grabbing him by the shirt and kissing him. It just so happens that River was there and saw the whole thing.

She goes batsh!t insane on him and tells him to never try to contact her ever again. She leaves, but not without giving him a good slap across the face, letting her claws rake across his cheek. At the end of school, of course, he ended up walking back home.

Now there's a change of view to River's. While driving home, she was thinking to herself how she shouldn't have been so hard on him and should have let him explain things. Then she realized she forgot to take him home, but he was neither at school, or at home. She drives back home, thinking he has gone to work and didn't want to bother him.

The next day, he isn't there, and is then told by the girl she saw him with the day before tell her that he was in the hospital. The reason is in a spoiler, because I don't want to risk anyone taking offense or bringing up bad memories:

The reason was hospitalized because of a failed attempt at overdosing.

Anyway, she makes it to the hospital in record time and they end up apologizing to each other and making up. In a couple of days, though, what he did to himself ended up damaging the lining of his stomach, and the doctors tell River that his own stomach acid is going to eat away at the weak parts of his stomach and leak out, slowly destroying his other organs, leading to a very slow and painful death.

...and this is where I am stuck. I made it this far, but I have four different endings in mind:

The first is that Rikimaru has his stomach taken out and replaced with a synthetic one, but it is rejected. Now without a stomach, he can only survive by having nutrients directly injected into him, so River tells the doctors to euthanize (basically) him.

The second is that Rikimaru's synthetic stomach is accepted and he lives on through his life with a fake stomach. This opens the road to new chapters and he could have problems with it down the line. I'm not to fond of doing this one to be honest, but it's up there.

The third (and my favorite one, being a tragedy writer and all) one consists of his stomach transplant being rejected and River ends up privately donating her own to save his life. She doesn't live through it of course, but when Rikimaru wakes up, the doctors tell him what happened and he reads a final note that she left him before going under for the operation. I like this ending best, but I don't know what my readers would want. Do they want a happy ending? Would they want more? That's why I am questioning it.

The last, and perhaps the most cheesiest one, is that the doctors by some freak miracle manage to save his stomach and he doesn't have to get a transplant in the first place.

So those are my options. Any input and feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know if you all need anymore background information.

Thanks in advance.

[Drasiana]

Oh dear. Um, none of the above?

This story is...not a particularily unique one to the genre, fox-people or no, and just reeks of teen angst. I don't believe that this girl who's loved this guy for years upon years wouldn't even hear him out after some crazy chick randomly kisses him. I think he's kind of an idiot for having such a knee-jerk reaction to a completely infantile situation, and I think she's an idiot for not actually giving any thought to it. Sympathy = gone.

Have him really, actually hurt her. Not maliciously or intentionally, but have him make a conscious choice to do something that can't be so easily explained away (an opportunity he is not currently taking, despite it being painfully obvious). You want an emotional situation that'll lead to tragic consequences, right now this reads like a slapstick sequence out of a high school romcom. Having it actually be HIS FAULT makes sense of his later actions, too, instead of just making me want to smack him for being an emo dork.

Don't put in a sex scene just because it's "obligatory". If you desperately NEED to include the murrpurrs, put it in where it matters and is relevant to the characters, and I'd probably develop their relationship for a chapter or two before jumping right into the only chapter most furries will probably even read.

Now here's where this really gets problematic.

You can totally live without a stomach. It's often completely removed in cases of stomach cancer, and if I'm not mistaken a surgery is performed to directly connect the esophagus with the small intestine, and the patient usually has to take nutritional shots/supplements from then on. But you know what? You might actually want to go this route.

I'm not really sure if this degree of stomach damage is possible via drug overdose, I'd think it would effect the liver or kidneys more directly, so you'll definitely want to research that. However, whichever organ you go with, having your character forced to live the rest of his life on a medical crutch due to a stupid-ass mistake he made as a kid is a suitably tragic ending, but could be rerouted as a bittersweet one if the girl is willing to help him through it.

As of now, none of your endings really work. They're all silly because of the "can live without a stomach" thing, but the "synthetic stomach" one borders on the weirdly science-fiction and I expect him to develop super-vomit powers or something as a result. The worst one is the "she donated her stomach to him but she died in the process" one because it's exactly what happens in all those incredibly terrible yet hilarious Facebook copypastas that manage to make no medical or ethical sense and exist to make twelve-year-olds weep melodramatically (check out "a girl was walkin2 skewl" for another classic). The fourth ending...I guess sort of works because that "freak miracle" would be "performing the actual surgery that's necessary for everyone who has to live without a stomach".

[Arashikage]

XD, that picture was so terrible, yet so fitting.  But yeah, I do sort of agree, not to say that you don't have a good baseline.  I'd touch it up a bit, but I'm not only here to reiterate Dras's point.

I think that there probably could be some crazy weird drug out there that could excrete the mucus from your stomach, but as of right now, it's either not in large quantities, not discovered, or not sold period.  You'd be better off explaining extensive brain damage, maybe minor blood loss, kidney failure, pancreas failure, or even psychological conditions that maybe were a result of certain traumatic events that occurred, perhaps such as PTSD, schizophrenia, hell, he could even develop OCD if the event is right.  However, I would be careful, because this character is going to need to go through this for the rest of his life.  

That being said, I think if you go that route, the way he develops his condition needs to be believable, perhaps he is given a choice, like Dras said, and chooses the one that will end up hurting River quite badly in the short term, but somehow will end up saving her from something in the long term.  How she is dealing with it might hurt him as well, she could even try to be rid of him for good, completely destroying him.  In lieu of this, he could try several things, drowning his sorrows or the like, rethinking his entire life and actions, the works, it's really up to you.  I can't wait to see what you come up with!

[Dragon Jedi0]

Well, depending on the level of technology you gave your world, I voted for the synthetic stomach.

Not having read the story myself, I do agree with what Dras said (btw, Hi Dras! ). I would change the stomach to a liver, though. The liver would most likely to be hit the hardest first when overdosing.

I would also like to say that during reading the medical part, I was hearing the HOUSE M.D. theme xD

[TheRedFox8]

Thanks for all the help, guys.

As I have said, chapters one and two are already one, but I am just stuck with three. Do I want to end the series or go on? I do like Kage's ideas of having him choosing something that ends up hurting River and her leaving him, leaving him to whatever I come up with down the road should I go with that route. But do I want to go that route, or do I want to save them both and they both have a happy relationship? That's what I can't decide on.

It's also right (and unrealistic) to have his stomach be the problem. I haven't written out none of this yet, but I might chose to do damage to both his brain and liver.

Once I actually know what to do, I'll lay the brick and mortar and finish this thing up. Chapter one's posted online (sofurry.com, just look it up) but chapter two I have written on this deployment and can't post it until I get back.

Again, thanks for the pointers.

[Drasiana]

Ultimately you're going to have to make the choice for which ending you want to go. Both of them are workable scenerios, I'd prefer the happy ending simply because it'd be too easy to fall into melodrama in the other, but again it's your choice; just choose whichever one feels right.

[TheRedFox8]

Yeah, I have been leaning towards the "happy" ending route, but I'm gonna have to find a stopping point sooner or later. What I might do is build up tension by having his brain and/or liver damaged, and he gradually gets worse over the days as he lies there, causing him much pain, and River is left wondering what to do. I could end chapter three there, and have chapter four being where she decides to have the doctors do some kind of surgery (I'll work that out when I come to it) that has a low chance of succeeding, but ultimately works.

From there, he could have a permanent disability or something that affects him in the long run, or he could not. I'll work that out when I come to it.

[Drasiana]

Okay, they're sophomores, right? That's grade ten. These characters are 15-16 years old. The girlfriend is not doing ANY "deciding" for him.

[TheRedFox8]

Hmmm, that puts up a roadblock.

While I want no parental involvement within the story, there comes up with the problem with how the hell the both of them can survive on their own at that age. Maybe in their race they leave the nest early or something.

What do you suppose I do about that part?

[Arashikage]

Perhaps you can time lapse? She leaves him for a time, shit gets bad at home, like a parent leaves or something? That on top of River leaving has a negative mental effect on him?

[TheRedFox8]

The thing is, there are no mentions of parents besides how Rikimaru got his alarm clock as a gift when he left the house.

I could insert a time lapse where River leaves him, yes, but what would be the reason? They already explained themselves and got "back together" again since the incident. Perhaps they need a break from each other judging how quickly she was to react that way when she saw what happened in the cafeteria?

Eh, that's a lame-a$$ excuse.

[Arashikage]

Well personally I think it's a little flimsy how she reacted that way to something that wasn't his fault. If anything she'd have a good talk with that other girl, not poor Rikimaru.

[TheRedFox8]

She did have a good talk with that other girl. She explained what happened (she was a little loopy in the head at the time) and explained to her why Rikimaru wasn't at school. She is one of his neighbors, across the street and a couple of doors down. She was the one who called the police on him because he was doing something suspicious (sitting there burrowed in his own lap, appearing to be crying bitterly and then standing up about ten minutes with a very determined look on his face. A face she did not like at all) on his porch, and when they got there they found him on the floor and yadda yadda yadda.

If the chapter was already read, it would be more clear, but it is unfinished and can't be posted online (even if finished, it can't because the story is not on this computer XD).

[Arashikage]

I'm not sure how justified she'd be in doing that to her boyfriend even if she was a bit "loopy" in the head though.

[LoneWolf]

I hast voted for him getting saved, because I don't think you can transplant stomachs. I think it's going to be possible to rebuild them in the near future, but getting a transplant is IMPOSSIBRU as far as I know, not to mention you could just raise the pH of his stomach with some chemicals and stop the decay. Also, option 3 is kind of nonsense, having one character die in a transplant for the other seems kind of ridiculous.

Now, if you do want my opinion, having them either do a tandem suicide, or having River go either postal or suicidal would be much more interesting, and/or sad. Still, I agree with Dras that the premise is a little bit overdone. Whilst I don't encourage you to go dropping the thing entirely, you're going to need a bigger twist than stomach failure to make an interesting story. Perhaps the acid is the result of a zombie virus, and as such River has to kill her lover. Or maybe River goes all gangsta and shoots up people to get her lover a new stomach. Perhaps she goes grave digger and acquires a stomach from a corpse, and Rikimaru is never quite the same again. What about this: she has to go retrieve a stomach from the black market but has to kill a member of her family to pay for it. Or maybe...

Well, you get my point, do something not quite as ridiculous as that, but still interesting enough to give it some punch.

[Drasiana]

While I want no parental involvement within the story, there comes up with the problem with how the hell the both of them can survive on their own at that age. Maybe in their race they leave the nest early or something.

No.

They're foxes, but they go to high school. This is a normal teen high school with normal teen problems (my boyfriend kissed another girl omg LIFE = OVER etc). You don't need to heavily involve the parents, but when it comes to making life-saving surgeries, they're kind of important. The question of how involved they are has yet to be determined, though, and that brings me to another point. What exactly did Rikimaru (does he really need to be randomly Japanese?) OD on? If he's a kid that lives in an extremely ghetto neighborhood with a single parent or parents that aren't overly involved in his life, that would make it far more believable that he managed to get his paws on an assload of bad drugs AND that he would be depressed enough to go through with an overdose, giving more reason for him to be upset than just "my girlfriend is mad at me"

She was the one who called the police on him because he was doing something suspicious (sitting there burrowed in his own lap, appearing to be crying bitterly and then standing up about ten minutes with a very determined look on his face. A face she did not like at all) on his porch, and when they got there they found him on the floor and yadda yadda yadda.

Who does this? "I saw my neighbor look sad and then stand up and go inside, quick, get down here?" You'd be laughed off the phone! Maybe that determined look was just him going "maybe I should stop crying like a baby and go make some bacon, bacon will make me feel better!" She has to either catch him overdosing or buying drugs, OR the mysteriously absent parents can find him instead. I care far more about the poor parents' reaction to finding their kid OD'ing than some random crazy bitch who...why did she kiss him? Is there justification beyond "o she's just crazy lol"?

[TheRedFox8]

Quick update:

They have known each other since the seventh grade and are seniors in high school. Yes I reread what I wrote in chapter one (all on a different computer than this one, hence my lack of knowledge of my own story XD). He has emancipated from his house and has his own job. No I didn't go back and rewrite it.

Anyway, I usually keep a bank of names at my disposal. I am extremely horrible for coming up with names for things. I just be careful not to have characters have the same name in the same universe.

I just dunno. Maybe I should remove the whole OD factor and put something else in. For one, it doesn't really fit with the story, though I put that River has been a little upset with him for being so down on himself all the time. Hell, that is hardly a reason to want to attempt suicide now that I think about it. Also, a normal doctor wouldn't know how to work on someone such as Rikimaru, they'd have to bring in a veterinarian or something

Problem is, I still need to come up with something that's equally as effective that doesn't have as many loose ends that I have to run around and tie up. The chapter is titled "A day gone horribly wrong," so I need something bad to happen. Pretty much any romance story has the relationship turn rocky for a bit, though it just makes it stronger in the end.

Maybe I should have one of them get abducted, attacked, or something, and the other is worried sick about the other. Racism does exist in this world. It's not to the point to how it was in the south with the white and "colored" people back then, and they are the only beast people for quite a ways.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think about taking this route. I want to make a good story and not one that makes absolutely no sense. You guys have helped immensely so far, and I thank you all for that.

[acechampion1600]

Perhaps you can time lapse? She leaves him for a time, shit gets bad at home, like a parent leaves or something? That on top of River leaving has a negative mental effect on him?

heck ya brother krystal rules :friends:

[TheRedFox8]

Any other thoughts?

[CrypticQuery]

Any other thoughts?

If you're still looking for some type of event to replace the OD'ing, something simpler with circumstances harder to control would be a good choice; a car accident for example.

Just from reading the brainstorming I'm looking forward to the story; it seems to be shaping up nicely! ^_^

[myu]

Dras has pretty much hit most of the points I wanted to make, so I'll try not to repeat anything.

First off, I know you weren't asking for suggestions about titles, but I think you should really change them, like, for realsies. They aren't particularly intriguing and don't help this story get away from the cliche. We already know the chapters are related because, well they're chapters, but also because they have the same characters in them.

As for the overdosing, I don't think you need to replace it with something less intense. I just think it needs more justification. Rather than being emancipated from his family (him leaving loved ones) you could give him some abandonment issues (loved ones leaving him) that way when the girl starts pulling away from him, him freaking out as much as he does, to the point of trying to kill himself, will make more sense. He doesn't want to be alone in the world and she was the only thing there keeping him stable - perhaps she didn't know this because, even though they been together for however long, there are still some secrets. Maybe she doesn't know him as well as she thought she did. Then you have a basis for things being a lot more emotional and people might not question them as much.

Just out of curiosity, why can't the characters be older? This is some pretty heavy stuff for seniors in high school to be dealing with without adults of some kind stepping in. I don't think them being young really adds anything to their situation, honestly. I agree that you should head toward a happy ending. There's already a lot of emotional stuff going on in this that you don't want to bog the reader down after all the events take place. You want them to finish reading feeling satisfied with how things turned out. A lot of the time when writers kill off characters, it's because they didn't know how to end it any other way. It feels kind of like you want this story to go the way of "And she takes care of him for the rest of their days," which isn't a bad idea. Maybe it's not out of love though, but rather, she feels responsible for what happened and that's why she cares for him.

Lastly, my stance on sex in literature is that it should either come at the beginning of the story or after something bad has happened. I feel like, if it's after a date or something and everything is wonderful and butterflies and perfect, then it just comes off as cheesy. Even in romance novels, there's usually something that goes wrong or some kind of realization that happens. If he still does something that hurts her, intentionally or not, she could always use sex as a way to maybe make sure he stays with her. This adds some depth to her character as well, making her actions seem less erratic. Why does she stay with him though, is what I keep wondering. I mean, other than they've been together forever and have had sex.

[TheRedFox8]

Thing is, I can't make them older. I already put up chapter one, and it states that they are seniors. I can't change that unless I do a time leap, which I'm not doing this chapter.

I was thinking more along the lines of ditching the OD idea and going for something else, like a kidnapping complete with torture or something. In chapter two, they had a run in with ruffians on the street when River took a wrong turn on the way to Rikimaru's house. Rikimaru ends up saving her, because going through this neighborhood is on the way when he walks to work, and maybe they want revenge on them.

[Drasiana]

Okay, so, this is why you plan stories.

What is the actual point you're trying to make with this? Thus far it honestly just seems like you want to string together a handful of concepts because you think they're deep or edgy but you haven't a clue what the actual theme and intent of your writing is. Suddenly going "ooh maybe she should get kidnapped and tortured!" is just random as all hell and takes the story in a completely different direction than anything you seemed to be writing towards, and honestly given what you've already set up, just seems rediculous and excessive. Having a high school kid turn into the badass that saves the day by miraculously beating up all the thugs to save his girlfriend is something out of the fantasies of an actual high school kid that watches too much anime, not something I could see happening at all in a story that takes itself seriously.

If you want to make a statement about youth gang violence, make a statement about that.

If you want to make a statement about teen drug use, make a statement about that.

If you want to explore a character who has abandonment issues, and whose only beacon of hope is a girlfriend he's pushed away, then by all means explore that.

But right now you're playing ping-pong with a story that's already in progress and don't really seem to be able to see the point in what you're writing, haphazardly aiming to include evens that don't seem thematically or emotionally justified by either your setting or protagonists. Before you do anything--before you add some thugs beating up the kids or stomach transplants or whatever--you need to know what the point of your story is. An actual theme that you can put into a sentence. Because we can honestly not help you if you yourself are not even sure what your story is trying to accomplish.

[myu]

Thing is, I can't make them older. I already put up chapter one, and it states that they are seniors. I can't change that unless I do a time leap, which I'm not doing this chapter.

I was thinking more along the lines of ditching the OD idea and going for something else, like a kidnapping complete with torture or something. In chapter two, they had a run in with ruffians on the street when River took a wrong turn on the way to Rikimaru's house. Rikimaru ends up saving her, because going through this neighborhood is on the way when he walks to work, and maybe they want revenge on them.

...Yes you can. Just because you put up a chapter doesn't mean you can't go back and edit it. It's not like you've just put thousands of copies into bookstores and would have to recall all of them or something. No one is going to be upset if you say, "Oh, hold up, I need to change some stuff because I have a new idea." And if someone throws a fit, well, it's your story. And, honestly, things will be slightly more believable if your characters are older.

Kidnapping and torture are.... I don't know, they seem a lot more extreme than having him OD. You would have to handle something like that very carefully - I know someone who was trying to incorporate rape and other emotional/physical abuse into a story of his and he handled it very insensitively, and it offended SO MANY people. If you do go that route, just be delicate about it.

[TheRedFox8]

Thanks for the heads up. It won't involve raep or anything, but a character gets abducted by the same two people that they ran into the previous chapter and gets treated like crap for revenge.

Also, I don't know how how I could make them older without removing the school setting, as that would remove enormous chunks of the chapters. Perhaps if I transform it into a college environment, it would be better. Plus, it would explain how they could live by themselves without parents around instead of owning houses of their own.