StarFox: The Collapse

[jeth]

So yeah, I don't have much to say except that I've had this idea for about 3-4 years, but I only just now got around to writing it. xD I would be really happy if you guys could maybe read it *shameless advertising*. If it sucks feel free to chuck something at me. xD

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8433350/1/StarFox-The-Collapse

[Hidi]

If you feel I needlessly omitted things that you had in your fan fiction, please bear with me; my concentration is a little fuzzy.

 

I liked your approach on first-person, but you could have been clearer as to who it is. I also felt there could've been a little more emotion, especially the first part when he's dreaming. When you're running for your life, lots of things are going through your head. Capture the essence of the moment.

 

 

 

The ground just inches behind me explodes, nearly taking my tail with it. Moments later another explosion breaks through the night and then another. The android's aim is improving, if this keeps up I only have seconds left to live.

Displaced sand flies into the air behind my trail, moved by an explosion. My tail singed in its proximity to the explosion behind me. Every shot seemed to reach closer to my fur. My life could end in an instant.

 

This also brings me to another critique: I felt there was lots of room left to capture and engage me as a reader. It was good of you to use a vivid and dramatic dream to capture the reader, but there was much space left for depth. Don't be afraid to go a little overboard and express yourself. Many people in their heads are thinking tons of things!

 

And Jeth.......What are you calling Shameless advertising? (Do take a read at it. I'd like a critique myself and it might give you some ideas)

[jeth]

Update, if anyone's interested.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8433350/3/StarFox-The-Collapse

 

And thank you, Hidi for the support.

[Hidi]

Why not just post the text here?